MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

This is A very difficult situation, OP, but I wouldn’t rush to have a row with your DP about this. Only you know what he’s like. Is he manipulative and sneaky so deliberately invited her after telling you he wanted a Xmas just the three of you? Or is it more likely that he feels sorry for his mum, knows she’s incapable of independence so invited her in the spur of the moment?

If it’s the latter and as she sounds like a difficult woman going through a tough time, why not welcome her into the house. Make Xmas dinner, insist your dp shares the work - shopping cooking clearing up. And then invite your family round for tea and cake so you can all be together for the rest of the day. Or go to your family in the afternoon, taking dp and mil. Will you parents welcome her? That way her presence is diluted by lots of people.

Agree …
And yes of course he should have discussed it, but he didn't, get over it!! It’s one day 🙄

Take your family and mil to your parents house for Xmas.

Well done for explaining to your DP why you were upset. And it’s heartening to hear that he understood why you were hurt. I agree with you: this is not about your MIL but about mutual respect in a committed relationship. I am sorry to hear about your MIL’s situation. She is very young to be so dependent. I hope she will be able to take some computer literacy classes and gain some confidence to enjoy life more independently. I wonder if she is depressed? She is behaving like someone 30+ years older than herself. She still has many years of life ahead of her hopefully. Does she have any interests or dreams that her family could encourage her to pursue? All the best to you OP :-))

"And yes of course he should have discussed it, but he didn't, get over it!! It’s one day 🙄"

This is how people end up in relationships where one partner does whatever the fuck they like, regardless of how it affects anyone else, and the other partner ends up seething with resentment!

It's good that you seem to have sorted Christmas, but your focus now needs to be on reducing mil's complete helplessness. Shes 50, not 80 and it's utter madness that she cannot do even basic things for herself. Your dh could help her with setting up internet banking or at least telephone banking, But there's absolutely no reason why she cannot make her own appointments and go her own shopping. Supporting this level of dependence isn't good for her and it certainly isn't good for anyone else!
You seem resentful that your partners siblings aren't helping - it might be that they simply don't see the need to baby a grown arse woman and aren't willing to indulge this ridiculous behaviour.

I’m really glad you’ve got it sorted OP and I’m sorry to hear about your MH challenges.

On a lighter note, my DH hasn’t invited anyone for Christmas at our house without asking me but my mother-in-law has, on 2 occasions 😂

Needless to say, both invited parties did not attend.

Op, are you and your partner married?
he should have discussed it with you and come up with a plan that works for you both. Tit for tat doesn’t work for everyone in a marriage so be that person and take your baby to your parents or exclude your mother in law if that’s the Christmas spirit you want to teach your child. A young baby won’t remember his first anything. It’s not your call to make demands on his siblings because current plans are inconvenient for you

I think you’ve handled this well op.

hope you have a wonderful Christmas the way you want to. Baby may not remember, but you will ☺️

This is the best answer. I can also understand OP's annoyance at not being consulted, but I think it's best to rise above it and make MIL welcome. I sounds like MIL has had a shitty year, the last thing she needs is to be made to feel unwelcome.
Christmas 2025 will be the first Christmas that baby will be able to properly engage in, keep that one for the 'first family Christmas'. MIL's other DC will have to step up and take their turn to host her.

very good answer OP 👏

They were chatting, your DH blurted it out, so what. It's one bloody xmas, hardly a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Crap happens to everybody, usually when they're least expecting it, so a son inviting his mum for xmas dinner is hardly crime of the century even though he didn't ask for your 'permission' first.

Your name feels a bit hypocritical. If you’d read my other posts you would understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t owe anything to anyone and, as stated, I’m not hosting anyone for Christmas. Yes, bad stuff happens all the time but I’m not going to be continuously leant on by a woman who is incapable of even logging online to order repeat prescriptions because she can’t “be bothered to learn how to do it”

If it’s any consolation, my partner has ferried around for her as soon as he learnt to drive 7+ years ago and the other day she pulled the “you’re supposed to be there for me” when he said he wasn’t visiting this weekend because we had plans. So, no it’s not the crime of the century but life happens, happens to everyone and it’s not my job to help a woman who has been nothing but inconsiderate and overbearing.

Yanbu.
This is your life if you do not push back.