MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

She doesn't need to find an excuse. Her MIL is a needy pain in the arse in her early 50s who cannot do anything for herself.

He should have consulted you but bloody hell! He's trying to support his devastated mother and you're the one that's hurt?

Would you leave your mother all alone at Christmas following a traumatic year?

Would you want your DC to do it to you one day?

It's his mother fgs.

I'd be bloody fuming if my partner announced he'd invited his (extremely dependent) mother for Christmas Day when you'd already agreed to have a quiet one with your baby but I never understand why people don't air their views there and then!
I'd have had the conversation right then, not stew on it and wonder how I should bring the problem up!
Maybe I'm a bitch but the lack of communication that I read on MN absolutely baffles me.

I’d take the attitude that I’m going to my parents regardless.
‘Dp why does your mum think baby and I will be here Xmas day?’
’well obviously since you decided you didn’t want your first choice new tradition anymore I’ll be going to my first choice - my parents?’

Remember this is Mumsnet.

It's normal to make an enemy of your Mother in Law, and to detest a son who is decent to his mother, and call him ''enmeshed''.

The only way is to go ''No Contact'' - again, only on Mumsnet do I hear this term.

Yet- people who have baby sons forget that they too will one day be mothers in law.

Therein lies the irony.

He was trying to be nice to his Mum! If you have sons it's important to remember that you too will be a MIL one day, treat her now as you wish to be treated in the future.

It’s also important to read OP’s posts before replying.

You're being too nice and this is why he has been able to lie to you and walk all over you with his behaviour.

Who cares what if he thinks you're being a bitch about this. Seriously. His opinion is irrelevant at this point.

Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Think long and hard if he's actually a positive in your life or if it's all about him and what he wants. I suspect it is.

I also think you need to have a long hard clear -eyed look at his mother and his relationship with her.

She's only in her 50s and acting like she's in her 80s ... and he's catering to this shit.

It will only get worse.

OP has said that her DP did everything for his mother even before her husband left her. She's early 50s, hasn't worked for over 10 years and can't use the internet. This learned helplessness obviously pre-dated the shock of being left by her husband.

OP has said that she doesn't get up until 2.00 pm and does no housework. When OP was heavily pregnant, she made OP cut her (MIL's) toenails. Some of this behaviour may be the result of being floored emotionally but not all of it is.

Oh @NavigatingAdulthood - I do owe you an apology!
I'd only read your first post.

I'd assumed a woman {Your MIL} living on her own, entirely, seeing you maybe every couple of weeks.

I didn't realise she was this dependent - I can see that this could get annoying.

Sounds like your MIL is lazy.

I was initially sympathetic, imagining a woman on her first Christmas alone {which can be tough!} after a break up.

I do know men who are lovely to their mums, but they only see them every couple of weeks.

I just read OP's other posts...and replied to her {crosspost!}

Yes...this MIL is deffo lazy!

You also quoted the entire OP despite being the first responder.

I KNOW my partner has made the issue. Yes, it makes me somewhat selfish. However, I don’t want anyone to be left hurt or upset because I know how I would feel. However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

@NavigatingAdulthood No. You are looking at this the wrong way. Your partner didn't just "make the issue" he IS the issue. And you are not selfish. Quite understandable in the circumstances. He wanted to stay home with you and your child and not be involved with your parents but then invites his Mum over.

A kind thing to not want his Mum being on her own, following the death of your FIL and if that were all, yes, it would probably be selfish - but the situation is much more nuanced than that, so you are not being selfish at all.

You're very young and if you've been together for 6 years, it means you were only 18 when you met. Both of you were still growing up and people change as they grow up into full adults. Gently, You sound completely passive and lacking in self confidence and letting people walk all over you. Nothing wrong with making your point of view. The fact that you are scared to have the conversation with your DP is a very red flag about your relationship.

Your DP is still very much under his Mum's thumb and if his siblings don't want to see their Mother over Christmas, it would appear to me that they have got the measure of your very selfish and self-centered MIL, while your DP and your MIL seem to be in a codependent relationship.

This situation is unlikely to change, unless you are able to stand your ground - and things will only get worse as MIL ages. She could be around another 40 years. Is that what you really want ?

@thepariscrimefiles
Cutting MILS toenails..
That's a hard nope.

Why the hell can't she cut her own toenails?

That's just grim.

If she cannot cut her own nails, she needs a podiatrist to do it.

@NavigatingAdulthood That's seriously not a healthy ask.

That reminds me...I need to clip dog's toenails! 😆

You are being a doormat in all aspects, it seems. Stop worrying about "offending" people (do you think they care if they offend you?) and stand your ground.

Death!? He just met another woman!

I agree with you 100%. This is the kind of thing my DH would do . It's not consulting. That's annoying .if he'd asked you, and you'd discussed it, that's entirely different. Then it makes you look and feel like the bad guy because you're annoyed about it. Make it clear as to why you're annoyed, so this doesn't happen again!

How do you cope with that?

Okay, so an update! I’ve had the convo with him this morning.

He understood. I can tell he’s a bit hurt but he respects that he’s gone against the initial plan that he made. He said he would speak with his siblings to arrange something for her. Then we agreed we would see her at some point in the day. I explained I was not trying to be horrible and inconsiderate and he understood.

Thank you to those for the support. Postpartum anxiety is driving me insane so I’m glad this gave me the courage to approach it.

Oh God! Yes you are right and I do not know why I said that as I was also trying to work out whether MIL was still living in the same house at the moment, as that wasn't clear.

Can't change it now either😧😧

Is your mum coming over OP?
Is it just MIL who isn't welcome in her son's house to see her grandchild, or your mum too?

Oh, my god
I will flagellate myself immediately

You’ve set a precedent now. Be prepared for him not to give you any leeway now if you need to spend Christmas with your family in the future for legitimate reasons. This wasn’t a conversation for this year - it should have been for next year. This year you should have accepted that your mil was suffering and allowed it.

Could you all go to your parents and then start ‘your’ tradition next year. Not ideal but at least that way you get to see your family.