MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

Yes he should have asked you, but I’d welcome her now, and let it go, and hopefully he will discuss with you another time …

I’m sorry to hear you feel you could’ve done things differently for your own family situation. I am also sorry to hear about your father and send wishes to you and your family.

Firstly, I just wanted to have lunch the three of us. I wasn’t planning on excluding anyone out. I just wanted a relaxed morning at home, some lunch (just us three; four with my dog) and then go and see everyone and ‘celebrate’

Secondly, as much as I respect the whole “everyone seeing the baby, getting the chance to take turns holding” - I’m essentially quite controversial with my family. I have quite bad PN Anxiety and I struggle on a day-to-day basis with people holding my child, doing anything that I would do. For example (apologies if this is strange to you) but I won’t let anyone else feed him unless I say so (excluding my partner; I have no boundaries with him). Everyone (both sides) wanted this baby just like us but he’s not something I want being passed around. He’s my baby, I worked hard to get to a space where I could have him physiologically and everyone in both families know I struggle with my MH so don’t push. So, as much as I appreciate the suggestion, it was never about picking sides of picking my family over my MIL. The idea of everyone getting so “involved” especially when I have had to set many boundaries over the last 5+ months, makes me feel uncomfortable. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help that I feel this way or respond this way (subconsciously most of the time).

But this wasn’t a post about excluding her completely and ensuring she was left out - I just wanted to spend Christmas lunch with my new little family (Partner, Son & Doggie) before heading on to see everyone and have family fun.

I’m really happy you found a solution @NavigatingAdulthood

Your dh has your back.
Your MIL isn’t too inconsiderate.
Youll, together, find a way to make it work fir all of you :)

I would ask him why he didn't communicate this with you and tell him that as he expected you to give up family traditions to have a nuclear family Christmas at home THEN has offered to host his mom, he does all the food shopping, preparation and cooking for his mother as you won't be lifting a finger.

Well done to you OP, I posted too soon earlier without having rtft, sorry, I don't usuually. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, it sounds just right to me!

You need to get tough with your partner coz if mil is that young then you have a lot of Christmas’ to deal with!
Would you invite your brother and sister in-law over and say we need to sort this out fairly, list out the areas that mil needs/wants help and ask who will do what? See what they say…

He should have discussed this with you. When we had our first we decided that it would just be us for Christmas. Everyone can come to us to see kiddo then clear out so we can enjoy the day with our child and relax. When you have your own kids, that is your family and it’s not your responsibility to host and house everyone. If you do, decisions must be made together. I’d be furious because I’m set in my ways and have firm boundaries in place because our families are a pain in the arse on a good day.
mid leave him to it and he and his mum can do their thing. You go to your parents and do your thing there.

Tell your DH you’re glad he’s invited his mum over because you have arranged to spend the day with your parents and this way neither DH and MIL will be alone. If he gives you his shopping list you will be happy to pick up the ingredients for their lunch together. Smile sweetly as you say it, and say it as you mean it.

Your partner sounds like a kind and thoughtful man inviting his mum over for Christmas when she’s been through the trauma of an affair. Could you also invite your parents over so that you can all spend Christmas together?

That 👌🏼

It was mean of DH to invite MIL without discussing it first. Of course she can’t be disinvited in the circumstances so you’re stuck with it. There seems to be a lack of trust between you and perhaps this can be a wake up call.

Omg big deal!!!!!One day you will be MIL so be careful because karma is real.

Exactly.So many women call their partners mummy boys yet visiting own parents regularly.I hate the hypocrisy.If you don’t want maybe is time for him tonging woman who will respect his mother

Bit harsh. I see my own parents maybe once a week, if that. Never called my partner a mummy’s boy.

It is one day. Your baby won't remember it, or know what is going on. You don't even need to eat turkey. Just enjoy spending time as a family, eat what you want and include the MIL if she's on her own, that's what families do

I think to be annoyed that your MiL, so recently having experienced such trauma - has been invited to spend Christmas with her new grandson by your DH is mean-spirited. You have years to make traditions. A good one to start with is to share Christmas with MiL. So, she has other children, but your DH has chosen to step up in what must be a miserable situation for her.

OP hasn't called her DP a mummy's boy. The issue is that MIL is only in her early 50s but is completely helpless and can't do anything for herself. She doesn't work, can't use the internet, can't make her own doctor's appointments, can't do housework and sleeps until 2.00 pm every day. Her DP would find it hard to find someone who would respect a mother like that.

I totally understand you wanting to start your own family traditions. I think it’s important that your husband hears how you feel about him effectively going back on your agreement. I really get how hard it is in moments of ‘intensity’ to go back on agreements: like when he told his mum that she’d be welcomed may have been a peak in his focus of emotion for his mum and -only in that moment- he lost sight of his agreement with you. I think /wonder if men sometimes feel particularly sensitive about their parents’ feelings and somehow feel overly responsible for their wellbeing?

I was quite opposite to my husband with my relationship and feelings and attitudes towards my parents. Both his are and mine (were) really independent and have never pressured us to spend time with them. But my husband struggled with not seeing them every Christmas, using them for sitting when we visited and our kids were little. But they were really happy for us to go out. I was frustrated by it as it felt like he didn’t have the capacity to acknowledge my need to spend time alone with him/with our own family as he equated it to them feeling rejected!

I’m probably going to sound harsh to many people but if his family are all adult they could probably do a little more holding compassion for both his parents despite who’s done what, and understand that we never really know what goes on in other peoples’ intimate relationships and if his mum is currently on her own she might do well to try to adjust to that with the support of everyone in her life, rather than being reliant on them for actual company. It’s just one day and (I assume) she has other options.

I may be reading this wrong but I wonder if everyone is feeling sorry for MIL and making offers out of sympathy rather than because they actually want to spend time together? I would just hate to be on the receiving end of an offer/invitation like that. I’m sure you’ll be supportive going forward all the other days, but this time sounds important to you and I hope you can make that work. I think if you asked him just to hear you out - ie not to defend his invitation- just hear what you’d like, and how you see it might be hard for him too, this could be an opportunity for you to become closer.

im happy to say more if you’re interested. Also I appreciate I may have hot this wrong so apologies if I have. Your story resonated with me on many levels and I’ve worked it out a bit late as my kids are now adults and I regretted not being clearer about my need for solidarity in my partnership despite us holding opposing views.

I’m not annoyed at my MIL. The situation was that my partner (post parental separation) had made a big problem with me being unsure whether I wanted to attend my own family home for Christmas. This year is now different, we moved house and have a baby who will be 7mo at Xmas. We came to a compromise about having lunch at home, seeing my family and then seeing his. It was only after the situation where my FIL was speaking to another woman (whilst separated from my MIL) that my partner went over my head and invited his Mum over and changed the plans for the entire day. It’s not about choosing people. Also, surely my parents are just as entitled to spend Xmas with my son as my MIL is - regardless of situation. To clarify, she will not be on her own and this is only for Christmas Lunch. We were planning on spending the late afternoon/evening with her. Also, his siblings have previously done nothing to assist with MIL’s lifestyle, needs. So, selfishly, I think they should step up JUST for Xmas Lunch. Some of these threads insinuate I’m wanting to exclude her from the whole day and choose my parents over her but the truth is - I just didn’t want to host anyone (including my own parents) because much to people’s surprise - grandparent jealousy is a thing and I wanted it to be fair for everyone including me.

Totally off piste, but your mil is my age. How the hell can she not be able to use the internet?! I mean, my Dh made me learn how to do internet banking, I previously left it all to him, but he quite rightly asked what I’d do if he wasn’t there.

I didn't mean that you were angry with your MiL, just that you seemed annoyed she was invited, though your DH should have consulted you. You have a very busy Christmas Day planned. Why not invite your family, your MiL etc and spend the day all together, people can bring parts of Christmas dinner (or lunch if you like) and DH can cook whatever meat you are having. Play games, get slightly tipsy, put up whoever wants to stay. Have fun.

How will you feel when your baby has grown up
and got married and his wife doesn’t want you around

I am all for helping family but 50 is very young, most people still work so your ML should be able to be independent and should not need so much help from her son.

@JoBrandsCleaner its not that OP doesn’t want MIL around, she just didn’t want her for lunch. I hope when OP is in her 50s she isn’t demanding her DC do everything for her as she isn’t capable of doing anything

I like to think that by that time (all things health considered) I can order my own prescriptions, book and attend my own appointments, get and pay for my own shopping, cook food, paint my own toenails, get my haircut, not demand my son to come and see me every day and so forth.