MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

My MIL is in her early 50’s
My age and I work full-time with two dependants on my own.
So, clearly this is insane.

You need to learn how to say no. The sooner the better. You don’t have to do things just because people tell you to. Like toenails and hosting for Christmas. It’s not always selfish to say no. Set boundaries. If you would tell MIL or your DH to jump, would they? This is your life and you have a baby now. You are just as important as anyone else.

THIS!! This is what I wanted, and what we had agreed to. I’m not saying I don’t want to see her - I do! I just thought we could have lunch the three of us and then do the rounds so it’s fair for everyone.

Oh and if he invites his mum at the end, I also suggest a lie in, brunch and then off to your parents. He can organise their lunch, don’t even entertain the idea of doing it!

How will she be financially when she divorces FIL?

Early 50s?!! She’s taking the absolute piss. Why can’t she get herself to doctors appointments?

Having said that, due to what she’s been through this year, I think it’s nice to have her at Christmas this year, but your partner hosts and you see your parents at a time that works for you. Next year it’s a siblings turn.

She’ll get the money from the house and when that’s running low we’ll have to get her to apply for benefits. I don’t know how the system works but I’ve made it abundantly clear how I feel about funding someone’s entire life when he has his own family.

How old is he OP?

So he hates Christmas and has not bothered before. Then changes his mind and makes a song and dance about starting a new family tradition celebrating Christmas. But this new tradition is that YOU will be cooking and hosting not only for him but now also for his mum. And you were not even asked about any of it. He doesn’t think it’s important what you think, how you want to spend Christmas with your baby or even care enough of you to ask you about inviting other people. It’s all about him and his mum.

Do you see how shit this is OP?

My partner is 26.

I do, I just don’t really know how to approach it without offending anyone. I don’t want to fall out with my partner and I respect/understand why he’s done it but I know there is a huge level of disrespect towards me. I also work in the NHS so there’s no guarantee that next year I’ll even get Christmas off.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

This doesn't sound like it's not about your partner 'not liking Christmas'. He's happy to visit his own family, and having you go with him. He just doesn't want to visit yours. Or spend Christmas with them. Hence inviting his own mum over after shooting down your plans to see your own family on the day, too, with your baby on their first Christmas.

I don't think he's being completely honest with you. He's just being selfish.

So at least he's not an older guy taking advantage of you. He's a mummy's boy who puts her above you and his child.

This seems to be a deciding point for your relationship. Have a conversation with him about the imbalance of the past - he does everything for his mother and you do everything for your child - and discuss how it needs to change so your new family is the priority, not her.

There are other people who could help his mum, including HERSELF! But there's only the two of you for your helpless newborn.

He may need therapy if he's open to it to assert new boundaries. But if he's not willing to have the conversation about changing the status quo then you don't have much to work with. Good luck.

Get him to go to his DMS for a couple of hours with the baby.
You pick the baby up and go to your parents and have lunch.
Mil then comes for St Stephens Day for lunch.

If you don't deal with this now, parenting your mil is going to be your life forever.

I would tell my 'd'p that since he'd invited her without asking, he could uninvite her and stick to the original plan that he wanted! If he was unwilling to do this, I'd be taking my baby to my parents' house, without any discussion either!

Actually, unless your partner radically changes how he is living, I don't see this relationship going the distance. He's effectively behaving like a carer to an able bodied, young, capable woman, who just cba to manage her own life. This is not sustainable if he's to be a good partner to you.

Practically, whose house are you both living in? Could you afford it without him? Do you have the option to move home to your mum and dad and start again?

I'd approach this with serious discussion about how life needs to change and depending on how receptive he is to that, would respond accordingly.

At your age I also had a baby and in-laws who would have moved into my house had I allowed it, who used to turn up uninvited and stay all day, didn't phone first and attempted to take over. They also had an unhappy marriage so were 'escaping' to my house. If you don't get a grip of it now, they will just take over your life. My then dp had to talk to them about phoning and arranging a mutually convenient time for visits, we had to pull back on the expectation that all time off work would be spent with them and that our time was up for grabs. It's hard but unless you have a partner who is willing to support you, the relationship cannot work.

Normally I'd say in these circumstances that mil should be invited over, but I think you have to prioritise sorting out your own relationship tbh.

I'm also now thinking be glad he's only your 'partner' and not your husband so it will be easy to leave the selfish arsehole...

I have just read you are 24 and your DH is 26 - how old is your MIL to be living like this? I have two female friends in their 80’s both great grandmothers use the internet, play golf, host families. One has been through cancer just two years ago and is out there living life to the full.

You're ignoring the 50% of posters who are telling you loud and clear what the actual problem is.

It's not the MIL.

It's the fact that HE has invited someone so that he gets the praise for it, but expects YOU to do all the work.

That is beyond shocking.

If you can't quite grasp how shocking it is, reverse it - would you ever invite your friend over, expect him to do all the cooking, and then would he be worried about your feelings in telling you no?

No he wouldn't. You are too nice. Too kind. And he exploits that.

He's so used to it now that he exploits it totally subconsciously, it's ingrained in the two of you, that he will do precisely what he wants and you will pedal furiously in the background to make it happen.

Say no.

Ironically - saying no now, you can do it politely, will actually SAVE your relationship long term.

I’d be raging at this, from a man who wouldn’t join inn a Xmas to the point you went to parents yourself, he then goes on and on about doing it yourselves even though he knows you would like to see your parents and then invites his mum over without asking you! Sorry I’d be saying that wasn’t the plan and still go to my parents, this is the start of him calling the shots with no discussion with you, your defo not being unreasonable to be pissed off

No, I 100% know that he is the person at fault. I just know he’s having a hard time with everything but I don’t want to seem like an utter bitch. I’ll approach him and have that conversation with him. I just want to get across my points without feeling like I’m being horrible towards his MIL.

Re the worry about causing offence. Don't worry about offending people who don't worry about offending you!

They are all merrily doing whatever they want - why are you the only one worrying about being kind and considerate?

It's okay to put your own desires first sometimes. Your dp is bring a right mummy's boy and it's not doing him any favours in life.

Oh dear OP this isn't good. I guessed early 50s because that's my age and you are a similar age to my DD. I work full time and shock horror can use the internet and look after myself. I also host all my family every Christmas including in laws because that works for us, not because my DH has abdicated all responsibility and told me that's what he wanted. If your DP works 365 days a year you've got a massive problem.

Sometimes, @NavigatingAdulthood , you just have to be a bit of a disruptor to make your point.
You are trying your best to bbe a people-pleaser and avoid conflict. But yoou are doing this to the detriment of you needs and feelings. Be assertive
You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm

You don't have to say no to the MIL coming over, if you want to do that.

You only need to make it clear that under no circumstances will you be doing any of the work involved. Not getting her room ready, nor doing the cooking, nor the shopping.

He invited her, he does the work for it.

That isn't bitchy, it's common sense.

He’s decided what he wants to do for Christmas and that’s spending it at home with his mum.

If you don’t fancy that, you can go to your parents (or anywhere else) with the baby. If you’re still breast feeding there’s no room for a fight over where baby goes.

You have been way way too nice OP. Time to stand up for yourself.

What would happen if you wanted to move away?