MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

So do you stay in bed till 3pm and freeload off your children Indianajet?

If you follow this advice you’ll be divorced before too long. How aggressive! His mum has just found out her husband has been cheating - or maybe he orchestrated this too to control you!

No wonder divorce rates are high if this is how people conduct themselves.

My advice is to be a grown up and talk about it. Don’t flounce off to your parents like a petulant child as some others have suggested. Communicate.

I hope it works out.

Well In that case. Do nothing.

Just do nothing. Don’t go buying the food for the dinner don’t you dare cook the dinner. Do nothing.

If he wants to invite someone without asking. He is the host. Let him host. He can purchase the food, he can prep the food, he can cook the food. He can wash up after.

You and little one just have a lovely day opening gifts and playing together.

I wouldn't have an issue with my MIL coming for Christmas, but i would have an issue with my husband unilaterally deciding that she was, and deciding that I'd be doing the hosting duties without any form of discussion first.

Your husband's entitlement and failure to communicate are the issue here, not his mother or siblings.

You'd still have a conversation about it, wouldn't you?

Or tell him great your dc will get to see dgm's on Xmas day after all. After he has made lunch you are taking dc to see their other dgm. What can he say?

Absolutely

But as he's moved the goalposts he should have discussed it with his wife first.

How much of the work will he be doing?

I feel like the plan has already been made and now there is no wiggle room. I’m still intending on going to my parents in the afternoon.

FYI, my partner told me yesterday he was planning to invite his dad (We had the same convo) but then his Mum mentioned it when she came over and he forgot he invited her first.

He cooks

My ex never cared about Xmas. I took dc and stayed a few days with my family. Every single year. He was a nasty selfish twat. Never saw his dc much before or post divorce...

I obviously missed the bit about staying in bed till 3p.m. - no I am generally up by 6.30 a.m. Our family look after each other, and it just makes me sad that others don't seem to want to.
No, I don't 'freeload' but I do accept offers to take me shopping occasionally, or to doctors appointments as I don't drive and have mobility problems. I also help out with childcare - as I say, our family look after each other.

They were separated prior to this “affair” happening but they were still living together etc.

So it was not an affair, he just met someone else.

If you accept her coming over, with you doing the hosting and cooking, it will be your new tradition from now. So think carefully how to handle this.

It sounds like you need to stand your ground this year or it will become the routine. I can’t see that spending your time doing the donkey work while MIL plays with your baby is going to be enjoyable for you.

I would go to your parents for lunch with the baby. DP has changed the rules, make it clear that this is not a tradition that you are buying in to.

We always do everything for her. We make sure she is looked after all the time. This isn’t about whether we look after her. We just always do everything and I’m honest enough to say I want to be selfish for once. It’s the fact I have to plan my days around what my partner is doing for her every day or when he’s seeing her each day that has created this negative view. Absolutely nothing wrong with being there for family but even whilst she was surrounded by her then husband, her son and her other daughter in law (who all lived in the same house) we still went out of our way to do everything and she began to expect it. She even got used to me doing her toenails after I did it once and even asked me to do them whilst heavily pregnant; so..

Your description of how your DP normally behaves at Christmas made me shudder, even before you said he has invited his mum without asking. Sounds like he always does what the hell he likes and this year is no exception. How old is your MIL? I've a horrible feeling you are going to say early 50s given your age. Just because you have her this year doesn't mean to say you will have to have her every year. I'd be way more concerned about your DP and the fact he only ever appears to do what he wants.

I am happily married many years, perhaps because we treat each other with coutesy and respect and wouldn't dream of being controlling of each other and when we each see our family.

We also wouldn't invite anyone to the house without checking with each other.

The issue is NOT his wanting his mum to come, the issue is he told her she can't go to her parents because she needs to have Christmas at home AND THEN inviting his mother without the basic courtesy of a conversation with her to see if it works for her.

Yep, I can well see why people end up divorced if such a pattern of controlling behaviour and disrespect is the norm.

By seeing her everyday I assume that gets him out if parenting and doing chores in your house?

My partner works 365 days a year. He’s always made and effort with me in the morning but just didn’t like eating so he would do his work hours at home before joining us all after lunch. I’ve never really experienced anything else. My MIL is in her early 50’s.

Your entire problem is

'He expects me to host'

Why?

Have a lie-in on the day. Make brunch.
Open up presents with them both present.
Take your dc to your parents in the afternoon
He makes his mum lunch - M+S have lots for two people.
You will regret any other choices.

Oh, yeah. I know I’m on Maternity Leave but I do..

• All cooking
• All washing
• All cleaning
• All nappy changes
• All “contact” naps
• All feeds

I know it seems crazy that I think this is healthy but it’s just what I’m used to and he financially provides a lot for me as my Mat Leave is rubbish.

If anything - you’re under reacting! You’re not unreasonable. Nip this in the bud ASAP and tell him you need to set boundaries.

How does he work every day? Why does MIL need help with things when only in early 50s? Will she either move in with you or you move in with her at some point?

I would counter his announcement by saying you are glad he is telling you as you also made plans without telling him and invited your parents.
So now you both need to re-arrange.
Maybe lunch just the 3 of you and then visit to both families? Or what does he suggest as a compromise (make it clear that the compromise can’t be to just do what he wants and ignore what you wants)

He works from home and splits his hours up. He’ll work some in the morning, do anything with his Mum around lunchtime ish, then go back to work.

my MIL has always had someone do everything for her and she’s not prepared to learn. My partner has said that he’ll have to set her up her own bank account, help her handle the money from the house, help her get a new house etc. So she’s never been “independent”