MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

She gets to see her family but he doesn't even get to see his mum?

⬆️ This. And next Christmas it’s the turn of your parents. Next year will be so much better with your baby, he’ll be much more aware of what’s going on.

Glad you spoke up OP and voiced your opinion. Also glad he agreed and sees your point. Hopefully now he will follow through and not be as thoughtless in future. Fingers crossed for a happy Christmas for you all!

OP as someone older than this lady I cannot begin to imagine how and why she wants to live like this.
I am older, I have some significant health issues which mean I do need some physical help from my DP.
But I do the lion’s share of admin at home, I WFH when I am able to, and I would hate to be a burden on anyone.
This lady sounds like she needs to have friends of her own age, hobbies, interests and a routine. If she is sleeping until 2pm she is going to decline in health rapidly. To be relying on her son of 26 is not doing either of them any good.
But I have to say props to him for caring for her, as a lot of men ‘gift’ the care of their mothers to their significant others.
At 24, you are already very mature, a mum, with your own career and a loving family. You have spoken up and that’s brilliant - never worry about causing offence.
In families, people tend to just carry on when one person is providing the support. But over time your DH will need more time for his own family especially if there are a few young children in the mix.
What struck me from reading your posts is that you both work hard, you have made a solid commitment to each other, and are both caring and responsible. (I am just remembering myself at 24 - my mum was still doing my washing and ironing for me - I hold my head in shame!)
Maybe create a space just for MIL between Christmas and the New Year and take her out and make a bit of a fuss of her.

Thank you! Just to clarify to everyone, she is always welcome here. We will still be involved with her at Christmas - it was not a ploy to “get rid” of her.

He definitely should have had the conversation with you before offering. I’d be tempted to take the kids to your parents, honestly.

But you're a good person. There are some people on MN who really aren't.

For the sake of your child, learn to "offend" by setting boundaries. You don't need to get angry or confrontational. Just say what you will do and what you won't do and stick to it rigidly untill the message has sunk in. Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to. The reverse is true as well.

The reason I am saying this is because your child will be dealing with similar situations as they grow up. They will be looking at you on how to deal with this. They will take their cue from the examples you set today.

You are a new mom and there couldn't a better time to set some precedents. People will learn quickly what they can expect of you. They will get angry at first if they don't get their way, but when they learn their anger is as pointless as their requests, they will give up and treat you the way you want.

Good update OP.

Reposting it so that more people see it.

PS And hoping that it can be the start of him resetting the relationship with his mother. Not abandoning her but recognising that he has another family besides her.

This!

As long as he knows this is the expectation I can understand him wanting to have his Mum there, and not sitting alone.

He should have consulted you first though!

Good update.

She really needs some life skills though.

Well done for speaking up OP.
Having her for Christmas really isn't the issue.
The issue is you not being consulted.
It is basic manners to consult with your partner about these things.
The greater issue going forward will be her completely un-normal helplessness.

Speak to your partner about this.
She is a middle aged woman that needs to be able to care for herself.

Support her with kindness absolutely.

Allowing her to behave like a frail infirm geriatric incapable of her most basic self care? Absolutely not.

He should have consulted you first. But you should be pleased to have a husband who is a kind and loving son to his mother who has had a terribly upsetting year. YABU - Christmas is a time for families, extended families not just nuclear families, and your baby won’t know what’s going on and will never remember it anyway.

Sorry, should have read your updates first!

But these things are always more nuanced than this. For the most part there are no straightforwardly 'good' people and 'bad' people. Some simply may not want to be bothered. Others want a stress-free take on what is undoubtedly the most high-maintenance of all the annual holidays. Christmas for most demands a good deal more effort, labour, and conventional duty-bound obligation than Easter, for eg. Others might dislike being dictated to by others' ideas of tradition and want to sidestep the brouhaha; still others might have very good reasons for making those decisions on the basis of flaws in their immediate relationship or those with families on either side.

'Good' and 'bad' doesn't start to take account of these issues. That is very closed, may I say fairly typical MN thinking.

Glad this Christmas is sorted @NavigatingAdulthood But that is the least of your problems. Are you happy for the next 40 years to have your MIL dependent on you? Do you ever manage to go on holiday?

Apparently she took the news quite well (he told her yesterday about Xmas).

i have been on holiday yeah! Not since the baby or my dog, but that’s due to personal reasons.

It's shorthand - as you know. And we write our posts so quickly - and often on the run. So, I get your point but I wasn't thinking of it quite like that, but I do hate the way that people often seem encouraged to take the route that is less kinder on here, I really do.

For me, it's about kindness. I couldn't imagine leaving out someone who had suffered so much. And kindness, I suppose is about specific acts and not necessarily a pronouncement on the person as a whole. I hope that makes sense. I can't write a nuanced essay on here, and of course we are all complex.

@NavigatingAdulthood have you said anything about your MIL’s complete dependence on other people and how that is going to work long term, especially when juggling parenthood and you going back to work?

Also when you say ‘I’ went on holiday did you mean both of you as a couple? How did his work and MIL cope?

Whilst I understand your point, it is no good for me to constantly pick at his mothers behaviour, to him or her even. It is not my place to. The conversation consisted of encouraging him to reach out to his siblings to share responsibilties. She has lived that way for so long (enabled by her now ex-husband) and it won't change in one day. I am aware it impacts me, but I also feel that my partner knows my stance on this.

When I said I went on holiday, yes, I went abroad multiple times over the last six years just my partner and I. She had a house full of other kids and her 'husband'

Also, my partner spent around 3 months, alone, in France prior to even meeting me before jetting off to Finland and Poland for work. Also, this thread was simply for an issue I had with Christmas. I don't think there is any need to dwell. But, in case you're interested - multiple family members and even some old friends have been in contact with her and she is now doing her own thing some days.

This. He's basically told you you can't go to celebrate Xmas with your Mum on the premise it will be just the two of you and baby this year then gone behind your back and invited his Mum over for dinner. I'd take baby to your Mum's on Xmas morning then leave DH home to cook Xmas dinner for his Mum and you once you get back from you Mums. I get he didn't want his Mum to be alone but he was out of order saying to you you couldn't go to your family because it was to be just the 2 of you then changing the rules to suit himself so either carry on going to your family Xmas morning or invite your family over too.

But, in case you're interested - multiple family members and even some old friends have been in contact with her and she is now doing her own thing some days.

So within a day this happened?

OK, well it sounds like you have got it sorted for this year - a compromise everyone is happy with.

Just a thought I had on reading it - it sounds like you and your partner have built up this "baby's first Christmas" idea, with just the three of you having lunch together at home, into quite a big deal..... I can see why you it appeals in theory, but really won't it just be the two of you having a meal together, like you probably do most days, while the baby sleeps on, oblivious?

I just wonder if it would actually be better to spend time with family, while they are still around to enjoy their company, and let them share in seeing the baby in a little sparkly Christmas outfit, take turns holding the baby while everyone eats, etc....

I could be wrong. But I know that, now my dad is nearing his end of life, I would go back and swap every Christmas I spent without him, because I was doing my own thing with a partner, to one spent with him, and as many of the rest of my family that i could.....

Just a thought OP. The small Christmas may be perfect for you - indeed I hope it is.......

This is stuff she has told us, I know she went out yesterday. The separation thing occurred a couple of months back so no, it’s not instantaneous, but some people have reached out who will ultimately help her do her own thing.

This, but his siblings may yet step up?