MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

How do you approach the situation? Just say No to your DP - firmly! He had no right to impose this on you without consultation, and it represents the thin end of a very big wedge in future. Just put your foot down that you will be starting the new tradition as agreed. If he won't cancel or contact his siblings to try to re-arrange, go off to your parents with the baby and leave him to cook for and entertain his DM. Say you will do this and mean it - not just because of what you want, but because he crossed a line by arranging this without involving you in the decision. I'd put a bet he will change his mind if confronted by this scenario.

Do this.

We always do everything for her.

And here lies the problem.

You're 24 years old.
How may years are you willing to put up with your DP's mother/MIL having such a big say in your relationship?

Is your DP a DP or your husband?

If the former unless he's going to do the buying/catering I'd tell him you're going to your own DM's for Christmas.

If the latter I'd tell him as a married couple he should have discussed his thoughts with you before making decisions that don't only affect him.

why does he work 365 days/ year? THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

Farmers work 365 days a year

So he is my partner, not husband, and we’ve been together 6 years.

Our relationship has always been quite positive. I’ve understood him helping his Mum from time to time and I've never ever stopped him from doing so. I’ve never stopped her from being involved with my DS, seeing him or whichever. I made rules very early on about smoking, visiting etc. It’s not my fault she got ‘butt hurt’ because I got the final say.

For those referencing his work, he works for an international company as well as himself. I’ve never had a problem with it, and I don’t so no need to worry about that.

We live in a rented house (sorry boomers) because we couldn’t get a mortgage for our own personal reasons.

Anyone who works in the NHS knows that it is a fight to try and get Christmas off. This year, as I’m on Mat Leave - I don’t have the stress of trying to do so. So whilst ‘babies are portable’ and ‘babies don’t remember’ - this is a crucial experience for me.

I KNOW my partner has made the issue. Yes, it makes me somewhat selfish. However, I don’t want anyone to be left hurt or upset because I know how I would feel. However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

OP I understand that you don't want to upset DP or his mother but still want to find a way out that doesn't mean you're the one who's upset. YANBU for that. DP doesn't seem to mind dictating what happens and expecting (demanding) that you follow.

You're trying to be understanding now but based on everything you've written about their relationship, not just Christmas, there may well come a time when your patience runs out and you feel it's 'it's her or me' time. I recommend you stand up for yourself this year to set the precedent that you're not going to go along with his 'it's my way or the highway' every time. Make him realise that he has a family beyond his mother.

I wish you luck, I suspect you're going to need it.

However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

Have you read any of the replies here?

No, you are not.

he financially provides a lot for me as my Mat Leave is rubbish.

Why are sounding grateful that he is providing for his (supposedly life) partner and the child he created with her, whilst her income drops as she raises their joint child? You are meant to be a team - this is what any decent man should see as an absolute MINIMUM contribution- less alone doing his share of childcare, housework and life admin for the household.

You need to get over the worry about being seen as a 'bitch' for stating your needs and wants in a relationship and as parents. You must tell him in detail what he needs to be doing to be a decent partner and father. That's way bigger than just about the MiL & Christmas day, though that's one example of where he's letting you down and showing he doesn't respect you as an equal.

Also, re MiL. I just about gagged at the toenails thing when you were pregnant. I hope you said no, but am guessing you didn't. Why are you letting her treat you like that? You need to look inside yourself here, about why you feel so subservient to both your partner and MiL - you are very young and need to put a stop to that immediately. You could have 40+ more years of this woman in your life, so you have to put your foot down now, with them both. This is assuming your relationships survives which I rather think it won't as men like him rarely choose to prioritise their partner over a mother like that.

Obviously your partner shouldn’t have changed the plan without discussing it with you, but the glaring red flag here to me is that you don’t know how to raise this with him. You’ve expressed yourself perfectly clearly here; why on earth haven’t you just said this to him? It honestly baffles me that anyone could decide to have a baby with someone that they feel unable to openly discuss Christmas plans with.

Think long and hard before changing what you enjoy about Christmas for a husband who doesn't celebrate it.

Your baby deserves to have happy family times.

I would commend your husband for thinking about his lonesome mother this year and embrace her for Christmas.

Invite her to share Christmas with your family with all the usual things you enjoy so much.

Your baby will be a lovely distraction for all three grandparents while your husband is moping in the corner with the dog.

It’s not about the baby having memories though is it? It’s about OPs memories of baby’s first Christmas. It’s ok for her to be upset that she’s not getting what they agreed.

I completely get it OP. DH and I had a plan for last Christmas - 6MO’s first Christmas (we also had a 3 year old). 3YO first Christmas wasn’t what we wanted due to lockdown, following year we all had Covid, the year after that we were mid house move and I had awful morning sickness. We were determined that year would be a good one. We planned a lovely Christmas and instead we had a relative have an incident which resulted in us having several unexpected guests and all of our plans had to be torpedoed changed.

You do it because it’s your family but I get it. We are still upset as instead of the nice Christmas we planned, it was us being sounded off at about the (admittedly awful) incident and a raft of unwanted people coming to the house as a result. It completely changes the dynamic and we didn’t really get a say in it either so we are still resentful about the situation (not resentful of my relative as it wasn’t what she wanted for Christmas either!). It’s the other way round for me as it was my lovely DH who had this forced on him without being asked but it wasn’t something I was happy about either (think police social services etc where we were told it was us or somewhere awful). He should have spoken to you first.

It’s ok to be selfish about this. Just the 3 of you adults - I guarantee she will get upset about the affair and how her life has changed (understandably) - in a more crowded household this would probably be absorbed by having more people around. I would invite your family too as buffers, or definitely disappear off there and leave him to support his mum.

he financially provides a lot for me as my Mat Leave is rubbish.
Why are sounding grateful that he is providing for his (supposedly life) partner and the child* he created with her, whilst her income drops as she raises their joint child? You are meant to be a team - this is what any decent man should see as an absolute MINIMUM contribution- less alone doing his share of childcare, housework and life admin for the household.*

This. It’s actually very worrying to have this attitude. Absolutely batshit crazy.

Just take your baby and go to your mum's on Christmas day. Let him cook Christmas dinner for his mother. No way should you have to do this.

It’s crazy how I posted about a specific situation but people are choosing the slate the way we parent. My partner steps up when I need him to and does to some of the stuff around the house but he also works and I’m not going to dwell on the ideology that he shouldn’t continue his life. I don’t think we need to drag on about that tbh. Thanks anyway though. Also, to the person who commented about “choosing to have a baby with someone like that” I don’t really think that’s even relevant but thank you for the input.

I’ll chat with my partner. I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement and thank you to everyone who’s given sound advice, I appreciate it :)

However, I don’t want anyone to be left hurt or upset because I know how I would feel. However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

But in a way you are the one that's hurt and upset and are definitely not wrong in wanting to put yourself first.

You're both still very young...
Coming from someone that's been with their DH since I was 17, now in our 60's you've really got to set your boundaries with his DM...
It was more my family that we did everything for...and it took me years of being put upon before I finally said no more...

I'm not saying that's the way you need to go or he has to stop helping his DM all together but you really do need to sit your DP down and have a conversation about how he needs to start putting you and his DC first.

The help seems very one way in OP's family. It makes sense in families where help is reciprocal but OP's MIL just sounds lazy and completely helpless.

For clarity, she’s not disabled. She hasn’t worked in 10 years. Can’t use the internet (chooses not to learn) and doesn’t order her own prescriptions, book her own doctors appointments, attend them herself, pay for anything and just hopes that someone will pay for stuff like shopping, tobacco etc. She sleeps in until 2pm every day, she doesn’t do any housework etc

She may not be disabled but she is not normal. This is not normal. I’d actually call this being disabled because she can’t live a normal life in the society. You are making it so much worse by doing everything. So much worse. She is lazy and you are enabling it. Imagine being 50 and not use the internet. This is serious OP. I’d actually move away. This is not a life you want to have, being a fucking unpaid carer 24/7 for a lazy 50-year old.

I’d be off to my parents. Leave him to it. He can arrange stuff without discussion then so can you. I’d be reconsidering my future as well-I’d this really what you want your life to look like? Enmeshed with a Mama’s boy who always puts you at the bottom of the list?

Op, if in your relationship no one else is respecting you and looking after you, then you have to look after and prioritise yourself. That’s not being selfish, that’s just being fair. He looks after himself and his priorities and doesn’t bother about his family or yours.
As well as now making sure you look after yourself is being a good mum, since I bet you do everything for the baby so it’s in the baby’s best interest that you’re happy and not stressed tired and angrily resentful. Go to your parents and have a lovely Christmas.

And how does someone in their 50’s not know how to use a computer and live life independently? She’s not old. You’d have possibly another 40+ years of this 🤮

I'd be saying that as he's changed his mind about starting our own family tradition this year and it's lovely he's invited his mum you'll be spending Christmas with your parents. Given he didn't speak with you before inviting her it shouldn't be an issue that you have taken the independent decision to take you and your baby to your folks for the day.

See your MIL in the evening before she goes home. Don't let it turn into a war it's Christmas, yes it's crap when your plans are upended but he's not going to un invite her so now you make plans that suit you and make you happy. It's your Christmas too.

It is a DP problem but the fact that her MIL is completely helpless in her 50s is a massive contributory factor.

Baby will have a lovely time anyway, and the poor mum has been left, so it will feel very tough on her first Christmas alone.

{Subsequent ones aren't as bad}

Your husband should have asked first, but some adult sons are close to their mums, like it or not.

Extended families are always a bit of a juggle.

She's been abandoned by her faithless husband, and her first Christmas alone may seem hard for her to bear.

It doesn't mean she's ''Useless''...Just look at the threads on here where women are left by their husbands - They are floored emotionally.

OP, you are so young.
You have had a baby so young.
His mother is 50?
Which is also her absolute prime.
Yet she is deliberately completely helpless.
Please, please think long and hard about what your future may be with a partner who has such a deeply unhealthy enmeshment with his mother.
There will now be 3 of you in this relationship and you are going to be the odd one out.
Not his mother, as she clearly comes first.
Bullet proof your contraception because I think you are going to find the future very difficult, parenting alone while you work, and he works and runs after his mothers every need.

Keep your family close to you, I have no doubt you are going to need them.