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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Younger brother never pays his way

204 replies

Aandespine · 11/10/2024 14:10

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 11/10/2024 14:15

He is an high earner and owns a house mortgage free but still lives with your mum. Why? How?

What do I do?

Stop footing bills for everyone and don’t pay for him at all. You’re in your overdraft! Why would you?

Use your words!

Ginmonkeyagain · 11/10/2024 14:15

Sounds like between you, you and your mum have created a monster.

Why did a 30 year old man with a high paying job need his sister to handhold him through buying a house?

Bachboo · 11/10/2024 14:18

You have to tell him that going forward he will HAVE to pay for his share as you can no longer afford it!

Singleandproud · 11/10/2024 14:23

WhatsApp him your bank details and tell him to pay his portion of the bill
Next time you go out and the bill cames you say "I always pay, your turn" and just sit and wait.

Stop hinting and actually ask for what you want.

howshouldibehave · 11/10/2024 14:25

Ginmonkeyagain · 11/10/2024 14:15

Sounds like between you, you and your mum have created a monster.

Why did a 30 year old man with a high paying job need his sister to handhold him through buying a house?

And why is he still living with his mummy, despite owning this house, and not paying any bills??

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 11/10/2024 14:34

What do I do?

Hints are not working.

You need to be straight either him and explain the situation and say that from now on he needs to contribute.

BarrioQueen · 11/10/2024 14:41

A precedent has been set. He has got used not to paying. You need to start informing him, or avoid going out for meals or similiar. TBH if your Mum is finding things tight, as are you, and he is a freeloader then maybe meals out should stop. Invite them round, and tell him to pick up a pudding and a bottle of wine.

I'm confused as to why he is so well off and yet isn't paying for anything. He sounds as if he has been babied for a long time. If your circs have changed and you can no longer sub him you need to be clearer.

Swissvisa · 11/10/2024 14:42

In the particular situation you mention, I would have just said to my mum and brother, are you happy to go three ways?

When you’re out with your brother alone, and the waiter comes just say, we’re paying separately, can I have the card machine for my half!

persisted · 11/10/2024 14:43

Tell him, be clear.

I'd also be having a conversation about how he owes you for his share of the last meal and he can transfer it here. This would not be phrased as a request - it would be, 'oh yeah, it seems you have forgotten about it but can you transfer £ asap please. As obviously you don't need big sis looking after you any more, given you're not a tiny child.'

If he wants to pick a fight let him. I have younger siblings and when something is being organised I make it clear what the expectation is.

itwasnevermine · 11/10/2024 14:45

My brother is a lot like this, however we are younger and both live at home still. He earns more than I do but he's not ever willing to part with his money.

We're going to London in four weeks and I've paid £270 and counting for all tickets for everything we're going to do. We agreed he would cover the hotel. He's now gone insane that he's had to pay the £160 of the hotel, even though that £80 share of mine doesn't come close to what I've spent on him!!

I just put my foot down and made it clear to him that if he didn't pay, he wouldn't have anywhere to sleep.

flyingmice · 11/10/2024 14:56

I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

Dear God, how can anyone be this passive. Use your words.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 11/10/2024 14:57

I think you're mad going into your overdraft, what on earth does your DH think of this? The fact that DB is living rent free whilst making money from a rental means your mum isn't going to back you up here because she's also letting him get away with being a stingy git.

The next time anyone suggests going out you need to be clear from the beginning that now you have a family to consider, the bill needs to be split and then repeat this when the bill arrives.

SilenceInside · 11/10/2024 14:59

Your brother is using your willingness to shield your parents from his behaviour to get away with appalling behaviour. You have to make it clear, in front of your parents, what you expect and then stick to it.

He's being massively indulged by everyone.

howshouldibehave · 11/10/2024 15:05

How has a thirty year old bought a house mortgage free?

Well, presumably because he’s living rent-free with his mum and never pays any bills. But why would his mum and sister-both of whom are struggling financially themselves-enable this to happen?

Do you own a house mortgage-free, @Aandespine ? Doesn’t make you cross that he does?! Yet you’re still paying for his dinners out? Why are you even going out for dinner if you’re in your overdraft, let alone paying for someone else’s dinner.

I really struggle with how some people get themselves in situations like this.

lanthanum · 11/10/2024 15:06

If your mum is struggling financially, why is he not paying towards rent and bills? That wants sorting first, and then agree before any trips/meals out how the bill will be split.

saraclara · 11/10/2024 15:10

This is entirely down to you. All of it.

Why on earth, as a sibling, have you been doing ANY of this? It makes no sense, especially the house bit. You took control of his life, for no reason that I can fathom. And now you're annoyed that he doesn't pay for his own meals.

echosun · 11/10/2024 15:11

My youngest sister (12 years younger) is the same. I was happy to support her through college and uni (more moral support than financial) but have lent her money over the years that has never been paid back (only £10/£20 but it all adds up). Whenever we go out for family meals she goes into a weird baby mode and my mum ends up paying for her despite the fact she is in her 30's, child free and on good money.

If you're the oldest - like me - and your default has always been to support younger siblings and struggling parents, then it's hard to put your foot down and be seen as having boundaries. I've found it really hard but I don't pay for her or other siblings now and I don't spoil them and their kids (two have kids) when it's Christmas and birthdays. There is a good instagram account for older sisters called 'Homegirls Unite' which makes me feel very seen!!

Just say you won't be paying for stuff in the future - you don't need to say why but you do need to stick to your boundaries and do not feel guilty. Good luck.

Tiredofallthis101 · 11/10/2024 15:13

Stop hinting, be clear. I can't pay for you any more so don't expect it next time we are out. I'd be very clear with the bill when it comes - right my share is £30, mum yours is £20, Bob yours is £25. If he tries to cry off (forgot my wallet etc) I'd say - ah ok no problem, happy to pay with my card, let's do a transfer now, and wait until he's paid you. He knows he can get away with it so he is - don't allow it any more. Maybe worth getting some therapy to help you address your challenges in enforcing your boundaries.

BobbyBiscuits · 11/10/2024 15:13

I think you were very foolish to facilitate him buying a house when you were unable to do so on your own behalf. And what happened to this house?

Just stop paying for him. I don't know why you paid the whole bill for multiple people in a family meal just because your brother wouldn't pay his share. He's tight, spoilt and you don't need to give him anything. You've enabled him and need to stop.

Your parents, well, it's their house he's living in and you can voice how much of a piss taker he is but surely they already know and don't care.

He won't pay you back or suddenly act grateful. So just cut your losses.

TillyTrifle · 11/10/2024 15:18

If I was your husband I would be fuming that you put our family in financial difficulties by giving money to your layabout brother. What does he think of this?

lydiaaa · 11/10/2024 15:36

Next time you plan an event why not just be direct before you go. Do you fancy taking mum out for a meal this weekend, split the bill 50/50? He probably just doesn't think about it because its the norm.

Ozanj · 11/10/2024 15:41

You need to publically embarrass him or force the issue by not bringing your debit card. Stop inviting him too - things like your mum’s bdy should be things you and your direct family do with her 1-2-1 not with him involved.

ttcat37 · 11/10/2024 15:47

Next time you go out anywhere you say “I’ll pay for mine but you can pay for your own. You’re old enough and you earn a wage, unlike me. I’m not paying for you.” Then you sit through the moment of awkwardness and you never have to do it again.

Coconutter24 · 11/10/2024 15:50

Stop hinting, he probably is picking up on the hints but too selfish to listen.

LlynTegid · 11/10/2024 15:50

Be blunt. If necessary reduce contact where paying a share of a bill may be needed.

Pity you could not have done this earlier, but you cannot turn back the clock.

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