Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

Go to the toilet when the bill arrives, shouting loudly across the table that brother is paying for you both, as you paid last time. End of.

Whether he lives with your mum or not is neither here nor there
you just need to explain next time your out before you go that he will need to pay his share
he’s probably very used to this so you need to just say something
he’s not a monster as someone suggested . Just make it clear

It sounds like your parents and your self have enabled this entitled attitude. Stop hinting and have an open heart to heart and ask why he doesn’t pull his weight financially. He is a man child, will he ever stand on his own two feet? Time to step back and stop enabling. Maybe you could have paid for yourself and your mum when eating and not paid for his meal. You need to make a massive point and leave him to pay his way and stop hinting.

Stop paying his bills?

You should have said
Dont get up dm, db said he would pay next time we’re out. Off you go db.

Have you ever suggested to him that he should insist on paying rent given your mother's finances?

I'm shocked that an adult man has a mortgage free rental whilst living free with his mother who has used loan sharks and sold her belongings to get by!!!
How can he be so ignorant and selfish?
Is your mum scared of him?
He should be making a big contribution to your mum.

Did he acknowledge at any point that he should be paying his fair share?

OP, could you put us out of our misery and explain why he lives with your mother if he owns a house?

@Loz2323
Can I ask why you've quoted the entire OP? I'm always curious why people do this.

Next time the situation arises, make a joke of it: "OK Bruv, your turn to pay for me for the next 20 years!" The next time, "Still your turn!" Repeat.

Another thought: send your brother (and mother?) a link to this thread, or a printout.

It's entirely possible to deal with this with no drama.

1. Simply don't go anywhere together that costs any money.
2. If you do go anywhere that does need paying have a hard policy that you are no longer paying for your DB. If you go up to order food and pay for it simply do not ask him and let him get his own.
3. Be very strict about this, even coffees in the park - we'll get our own.
4. Ideally stop paying for your DM as well.Her choices mean that when you pay for her you are effectively still subsidising your B.

How did he come in to so much money that he could buy a house mortgage free before the age of 30??

I can only assume you come from a culture that puts men on a pedestal. But you've absorbed it more than most, to a masochistic degree. You need some independent support OP if you want to change from being a doormat, is there a feminist group near you? Or at least a woman friendly counselling service?

Sorry, didn't RTFT, I see theres some history.

Everyone needs to stop enabling this man child. He owns a whole house which generates income as he rents it out aswell as his earnings from work why is this guy not paying any day to day living expenses. He ought to be ashamed of himself watching his own mother struggle financially because his grown ass self doesn't want to put his hand in his pocket and contribute toward the cost of the family home hes living in. He needs felling straight that he cannot live for free

I have something similar. We are a family of 4 siblings grown up with our own families & our parents always treated us to meals out when all together but now it’s just my dad on his own & he is elderly . My sister definitely has form for ordering the most expensive things on the menu plus sides drinks etc for her whole family of 4 and then dodging the bill. I find it awkward in the restaurant so now I try & organise it in advance & just send a message saying “be nice to treat dad tonight for the meal so is everyone ok if we just split it per head & all pay a share for each family” That way they are well warned they are expected to pay & that often stops the entitled behaviour of adding on all the extras!

I really don't understand why this situation is ongoing if you've already had a massive argument with your brother about it. When you went out with them the other day, surely all you needed to do was to phone him beforehand to remind him of your finances and ask him to confirm it was his turn to pay, or at least that he would be going halves? At the very least you could have reminded him you were not going to be paying for him?

@mjf981
Probably because he's lived rent/bill free for a decade, whilst leaving everyone else to pick up the tab for him.

We had another argument in the days following the café visit regarding paying bills at home and are currently are not on talking terms again. The argument was about unpaid bills at my parent's house that my mum and me couldn't pay. He suggested I was jealous of him, that I'm mistaken in my belief that he is well off, and that I'm exploiting him.

In the end I learnt he settled the household bill in question. I wonder if I'm just managing this in the wrong way.

I think you just need to disengage a lot with respect to your mum and your brother. Don't pay anything for either of them, concentrate on your own finances and your own family. Say no to them, and then don't bring it up or engage if they bring it up.

Don't pay bills for your mum. Don't pay bills for your brother.

You probably need to tell your mum that, from now on, you are going to keep well away from her finances: if she chooses not to charge your brother rent or expenses, that's up to her, but you've been carrying his share of the responsibility for long enough and you have to put your own family first. And make it clear to your brother that, when going out for family meals etc, you won't be paying for him any more.

@Aandespine
Does he have an answer as to why he doesn't contribute to your mums house that he lives in?
He's hardly poor when he has a mortgage free house!!
Your mum should tell him to move out.

Have you asked him to explain why he feels he shouldn’t pay rent or bills? And did you bring up the cafe and ask him why he doesn’t pay for himself when he goes out with family, why does he expect people less well off with their own children to feed, to pay for him?

What’s his actual answers?

Oh - regarding this unpaid bill you’ve just argued about. Did you actually say “I can’t pay it, neither can mum?” If yes, then why did you bring yourself into it? Why would you say you can’t pay if? Why would you even suggest or hint at the idea that it’s your responsibility and you’d pay it if you could?

It isn’t your job to pay your mum’s bills. You have got to stop. You have to keep yourself out of that, refuse to pay anything else even if you have some money. Your husband earns that for you and your children, not for your mum. Seriously… he must be so bloody fed up of you doing this. Why did you suggest you’d have paid your mum’s bill if you had the money?

Step in and tell him to pay his share as he lives with her, but do not ever pay another bill of hers again or even hint that you would. All you should have said to him was, “You live here with mum, all of the bills for this hour are half yours. You need to pay mum half of everything and it’s disgusting that you’re watching her struggle when you have a job and rental income but think you should live for free.”

Stop offering to pay your mums bills. You might find yourself divorced if you don’t.

Goodness sake OP. SPEAK!

Why would he stop if you've never asked him to.