Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

I don't think there's any point having a discussion with him, as he is so very entitled and accustomed to being indulged that he will see it as an affront to even challenge his behaviour as previous arguments have shown.

It's action that needs to happen, no need to ask him anything or try to reason with him. Tell him (and your mum) that you're not paying anything for them from now on, and then actually stick to that no matter what they say. Grey rock them if they try to talk to you about finances, or end the conversation. Don't engage with it.

I think your mistake OP is in thinking there is some way you can stop your DB being a freeloader without him kicking off about it.

The one thing you can do is resolve not to pay for him or your DPs, but also not to allow yourself to get into an argument about it. Pride yourself on remaining logical and clear headed, even when he is being an absolute idiot.
At the moment he is kicking back because he thinks if he makes a fuss you will give in for the sake of a quiet life or not to upset your DM. Show him you won't back down and he'll get his wallet out because he has to.

We've all been pretty traumatised by my father's abuse. I suppose he feels he's becoming stuck managing the financial fall out of my father's maltreatment and financial abuse of my mother (much like I was before I married I guess). He considers these bills as my father's debts and doesn't want to be saddled with them.

I didn't bring up the café incident- it seemed petty in thr grand scheme of things.

I'm just bereft at having fallen out with him again.

@Aandespine I'm just bereft at having fallen out with him again.

I wonder if some relationship counselling would help all three of you? It does sound as if there’s a whole thicket of brambles to get through.

If he was paying his share of living expenses in her home then she could probably manage to pay off these debts herself.

If he doesn’t want to contribute to your mum’s house then he is more than able to move out and live alone. So, he has his choice.

You need to stop spending your family’s money on your brother and mum. They are adults. Leave it.

I agree stop paying for your DM & your brother.
If you go out, split the bill 3 ways.

Your DB should be completing a yearly self assessment tax return on the income gained from his rented out property. Did you set that up as well ?
If he is not declaring this, HMRC can look back 25 years into the past for unpaid taxes.
So this may bite him in the future ?

Of course he is declaring his rental income. I sat with the accountant myself to sort this out.

You can sort out the tax

But you cannot sort out paying the bill for a meal out & go into over draft ?

Sort out your own finances first, before sorting out other people's finances surely ?

You’ve made a rod for your own back.

So your father was abusive and now your brother is.

Kindly meant OP, but if I was your husband I would be furious with you.

What about your loyalty to your husband and children?

I NEVER get this.
No one, absolutely no one comes ahead of my loyalty to my children.

Certainly not a parent or sibling.

She is my mother. She was our only consistency and stability growing up. Only she cared for our health and well being. She encouraged us in our studies, supported us morally and financially, and was a buffer for the worse of my father's abuse (which on his children was occasionally physical). Everything good and decent in our lives has come directly from her influence. Up until I started a family, she was my entire world, and I would have lay down my life for her. Even now, she helps out with my children, she lends a listening ear even though she has enough struggles to occupy her mind a million times over.

It's very easy to recognise the ridiculousness of this situation and advise me to reduce contact, to not reciprocated her kindness or concern. It's different if your life is marred in its entirety by the abuse.

So you have enabled his dependence and infantilised him for most of his life and now expect him to behave like an adult? Oh dear.

That's how it looks, unfortunately.

@Aandespine you just need to stop enabling your brother's bad behaviour. He is angry with you because you have called him out on it. So stop engaging, and if there is another meet up planned in a cafe or restaurant you make it VERY CLEAR that you are not paying for him, and he needs to go 50/50 with you for your mother.

You’ve created the monster here. He’s got a fabulous life where he gets to save all of his money while his mum and siblings look after him financially. Of course he thinks he’s entitled to every penny as this is all he has known. He’s going to get a short, sharp shock if he meets a woman and is expected to provide for her and any future children.

A friend of mine has adult sons in their 30s like this. She spoilt them rotten, spends thousands on birthdays and Christmas, taken them away on fancy holidays where they haven’t opened their wallets once for her. One of them lived with her until his 30s and she cooked for him and of course didn’t charge him a penny while he went on fabulous trips away. She had to purchase him an apartment for him to move out as he refused saying he had no money. He’s now ghosted her after finding a woman that comes from a family with money. His mum was just a cash cow and he’s found a new one now.

Paying his way as in chipping in to the running of the home he lives in isn't paying your father's debts, it's being a decent human being.
Does he literally not give your mum a penny? food? utilities?

Why? He was a grown man? Why did you take over and do everything? Did he even want to house or did you decide it was happening?

If he paid what he should to your mother, you probably wouldn't need to help her financially. In any case, why are the debts your father left any more your responsibility than your brother's?

In effect your husband and children are subsidising their uncle/brother-in-law. Tell him that. It ought to make him feel shame.

Sounds like you are both struggling with the fallout from your childhood but in very different ways
He is resentful and refusing to step up to what he sees as problems entirely of his father’s making (fwiw, I disagree. Rent is fair in a household of adults and his upbringing is irrelevant. He doesn’t get a free ride on that score)
You however are trying to overcompensate and over help your mother (and brother to this point).I’m no therapist by far, but could you be trying to make up for the past with your family?
Either way, I agree with PP that therapy would be beneficial for you all

Why do people offer themselves up to be taken advantage of?? If you don’t want/can’t afford to cover the full cost, then just say so, preferably in advance! Start communicating and stop enabling awful behaviour.

Due to your severe internal struggle with money if I was your DH I would stop access to money. People won’t like that but in a case like this where the op lacks the mental capacity to make any sort of decent decision's with money I would do it on a temporary basis.

I have a SIL who is shit with money and has taken advantage of both MIL and now dead FIL. I have always made it very clear if DH assists her I would consider divorcing him. She has earned plenty of money throughout her life she just can’t manage it.

But what has also come from your mother is that if a man is abusive you don’t leave him and protect yourself and your children you just stay and „buffer“ them from the worst of it. Which is something you are now repeating with your brother playing the part of your dad and you buffering your mum from the worst of it albeit not physical abuse. She’s modelled a warped and wrong way to deal with abuse. I am sure for many reasons but that’s not helping you extricate yourself from this enmeshed position with your brother and mum.

OP, you can explain it any way you like, but the bottom line is you are spending family money when you don't own a home to subsidise your abusive brother and mother.
Putting these people ahead of your own children.
You have your excuses but they are not right.
Your childrens security and your husband should come first, most especially when you have so little.
IMO your choices are wrong.

Next time pay half then send the waiter to him for the other half.

But what has also come from your mother is that if a man is abusive you don’t leave him and protect yourself and your children you just stay and „buffer“ them from the worst of it. Which is something you are now repeating with your brother playing the part of your dad and you buffering your mum from the worst of it albeit not physical abuse. She’s modelled a warped and wrong way to deal with abuse.

I agree.

I get it OP. I also had one abusive parent and one enabling parent. The enabling parent presents themselves as the saviour and protector, in contrast to the abuser, but that isn't the full picture.

It can be very hard to recognise that enabling behaviour for what it is, but you do need to recognise it in order to break free of the toxic aspects of this relationship.

When you were a child, your mum had the option to protect both of you by leaving your father, but she chose not to. Now that you're an adult, your mum has the option to treat you and your brother equally, and expect him to pay his way (just like she expects you to pay your way). But she chooses not to. In both cases, she is acting as an enabler.

You have the option to step away and stop enabling abusive behaviour here. It's your choice whether you take it.

I was a bit worried to suggest to the op that her mother wasn’t as marvellous as she thinks but you’ve done it on far better words than I was contemplating.