Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

@Aandespine you need boundaries, hard ones, in place right now. Your priority is your children and your husband. The other adults in your origin family can look after themselves, as they are competent adults.

OP - My family also had a golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on, so I know how much it fucks you up. You are gaslighted into believing that this is OK and normal to some extent, but it isn't.

The golden child in my family was given a car, holidays, cash gifts. None of which were ever offered to me. But I was expected to help financially when 'needed'. It took me a long time to recognise it for what it was.

I strongly recommend therapy.

And next time there's any kind of bill to pay, pay your share, and leave it at that. Your mum can fund your brother as much as she wants, but you need to refuse to play a part in perpetuating it. If she hints/asks for money because she's hard up, tell her she needs to charge your brother rent/bills, because you have no money to give. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Your mum's financial situation is a choice she has made - and it's not your responsibility.

Learning to say no, and carry it through, will be the most powerful thing you can do.

Tell him. Stop babying him. Just tell him it is time for him to step up.

Is this cultural OP because it seems unusual.

My mum would sell a kidney rather than ask my brother for help/rent. She's got herself into some pretty worrying financial situations (loan sharks, selling family heirlooms) as a result of hardship while my brother remains oblivious.

Try as I may, I just cannot turn off. Me and my mum are really close and I cannot stop worrying and caring about her.

He needs to be made aware of her situation, particularly as he’s living with her rent free! He’s not a child anymore. Pretty disgusting that she’s in a bad position financially and he’s still expecting her (and you!) to foot all the bills. Is she going to leave him the house too?!

Next time you go out, message him in advance and tell him he needs to pay for his own shit.

This thread is insanely irritating when it's perfectly obvious what the solution is.

Woman up and use your words for heavens sake

I have. If you read my PP- I had a huge argument with my brother over a number of days, the biggest altercation we've had in our entire lives, over this very issue.

You're asking what to do, the answer is to stop paying for him. He can't make you do it, so make it clear to everyone what the score is and stop.

Those are her choices though. And if you give her money you are helping her to continue to make those choices.

Sometimes tough love is what's needed. She will never charge your brother for bills while she has you to pick up the slack.

You worry and care about her, but it obviously isn't reciprocated equally. She prioritises your brother over you.

@Aandespine I don't know why you aren't more angry and your brother and then also at your mum for enabling this dynamic in the first place. These are adults who are perfectly capable, you don't need to manage them and try to interfere in their lives to this extent. Especially when you have your own children who should be your absolute number one priority.

I would recommend some therapy and reading up about the whole Fear/Obligation/Guilt concept.

As hard as it is, That’s 💯 on her.
you can tell your db explicitly what she is doing but you must NOT bail her out. You have 3 THREE! Children to think of…
you are taking food/clothes/music lessons/holidays away from them by funding your DM/DBs dysfunctional dynamic

I hope this helps you see how CRAZY this situation is

in the restaurant / cafe situation is put down a tenner and say “there you go that more than covers my share” then let them sort it out between themselves.

you can’t stop him leeching off your mum that’s between him and her ultimately but you can stop him leeching off you.

in addition to stopping paying for him and his lifestyle please also stop being his gofer / assistant / general dogsbody

ps I can believe this is real my DH and BiL have a similar thing going where BIL blithely takes and takes and my DH is expected by his parents to foot the bill. Pils also pay for loads of things for BIL when they would NEVER have do the same for DH
it’s so messed up but hard to see if you are on the inside. My DH struggles with it

I would recommend some therapy and reading up about the whole Fear/Obligation/Guilt concept.

💯

OP - you are so immersed in the sense that you are obligated towards your mum that you've lost sight of what's real and what isn't here.

Her need for money isn't genuine, because she could fix it easily by telling the adult who lives with her to e.g. contribute towards the utility bills.

You've been told your whole life that if you deny your brother (and mum) the financial and practical help they ask for, that would make you a bad person. Because they're family, right? And you support your family! But the support is only flowing in one direction, and it will only ever flow in one direction.

Your mum is never going to thank you for effectively buying your brother a house (because he couldn't have done it without your financial support to them both), and doing all his admin. You'll just have guilt heaped on you about something new.

But if you are simply going to go back to paying and moaning later, then what exactly was the point of the argument?
If you won’t change, why would he? After all, the current arrangement is working for him!

I think you are kidding yourself a bit with your mum too. If you were really that close, she wouldn’t be so obviously favouring your brother. I’m sorry to say she also appears to be taking advantage of your inability to adhere to healthy boundaries in order to keep the Golden Child happy

It is blindingly obvious that this man already knows the situation.

But why would he change anything when it benefits him? When his mum needs money, it's not him that gets asked, it's the OP.

(And yes, mothers like this do leave the house to the golden child. She won't see anything wrong in continuing what she has been doing for decades, and prioritising her blessed son.)

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill
Re-read what you wrote.
Next time just pay for yourself, don’t wait until he offers to pay his share. And don’t pay the entire bill if it puts you in overdraft, why would you do that? Even if you thought your mum would have to pay for him, why is it better if you pay it yourself?

@Aandespine so he is now a high earner as well as receiving a rental income?? and still doesnt pay a bean for his own rent and food!! what a prince harry he is, isnt he????

Just to clarify, this was just a café, not an at-seat restaurant. So I was looking at the menu and mentioned to my brother how unreasonably expensive a certain menu item was. He responded lamenting on the higher costs of food these days. Then I asked the kids and my mum what they wanted, and stupidly asked my brother too (more a question of what do you think looks nice/what are you going to order). He made no indication of getting up to pay or to discuss the bill and how it will be settled. He just sat there. Then my mum got up to order and pay and I didn't want her to, so I joined her at the till and paid the whole bill.

The entire thing is stupid and my fault. I accept this. It's just ridiculous.

Physically stop paying for him. Noone idms forcing you but yourself. You don't want to upset your mum either but sounds like she needs a reality check also. Id sit them down together and tell them to sort it out, you have your own family now to care for and they should be ashamed that they expect you to take money from them to fund adults who are capable

Just. Stop. Paying. For. Him.

It isn't difficult.

"Bro, I can't afford to pay for you and mum. Either you pay or we don't go"

Don't beat yourself up about it, you've been conditioned into it. Next time, let your mum pay and then give her your part in cash or transfer to her account right there and then and tell her you've done it. Tell your brother to pay his share to her too. You can't make him, but you should make it clear you're expecting him to.

you need to move from hurt into angry - they are both taking the absolute piss. I'd be very much limiting any time spent with them, win win as this also means you aren't in a situation where there is a bill to be paid. Your brother has learned from your mum.

My friend. He is your younger brother and you love him. Equally as a sibling you can tell him to sit down and have a word with himself about how he treats people and how if his mum and sister are struggling and he has a whole arse house plus no outgoings he should be looking after everyone else.

Is he going to be upset. Yes. Should he be. No.

I have a sibling like this. I had a word that turned into a screaming match. He refused to talk to me for a bit but he knew I was right and since then he has been expressively generous. He was the youngest spoiled kid in the family and he had to have it pointed out to him at more than 30 years old.

Forget words, they aren't going to help, simply refuse to put yourself in that position again.

Meet your DM at her or your house or in the park. Just say you are saving for a house deposit so you don't need to keep renting so you can no longer go out for lunches etc. as you don't have the spare funds.