Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

I recognise this dynamic - its unhealthy. Your DM is the eternal martyr and victim - she is on a pedastal - and you are chained and constrained by this unrealistic depiction and she has subtly and maybe unconsciously exploited this by leaning on you as a child and parentifying you. I was also this child. It does huge damange to your relationships with others and your MH as an adult.

You didnt deserve to have your childhood crushed and your DCs/DH dont deserve to have their childhoods/familylife/marriage drained by the unspoken focus on your birth family and their ongoing enmeshment and toxicity. Your involvment is inadvertently enbling them all. Step back, step up and see it for what it is. Good luck. Give 99% of your mental energy & time to now/next generation. Trying to save your DM is futile. She didnt choose to save you, she leant on you, you were collateral damage in her marriage. All the good things you say she did - thats what all good parents do anyway - why is she the hero for this? But the currently enmeshment is undermining your own adult life now.

IMO your choices are wrong.

100% agree ... would add though that the OP might not see these as 'choices' as she likely feels an impulse/compulsion to carry the burden in a reactive way as she has been trained to do this through her toxic childhood. Some good therapy to gain awareness of what you experienced and how it still impacts your thougths now so much so that you actions are distorted. You cant be attuned to your DCs if you are preoccupied with your DM. She had her opportunity to run her motherhood as she liked - dont let her nonsense take away from raising your own children in the best way they deserve. You cant be in two emotional headspaces at once - pivot all your focus to your own marriage, DCs and family. Your DM will never be saved and your own little family will lose so much if you continue in this futile vein.

I also think there is something in this idea OP.
I was going to say when I saw you write that.

"The entire thing is stupid and my fault. I accept this. It's just ridiculous."

You cannot blame the entire thing on yourself. You are caught up in a dynamic that you didn't create. You've been trained to fulfil a role that has been laid upon you so are your DB and D Sis..and now you have your own little family, you are starting to recognise the unfairness and wanting to correct it... part of this "role" seems to be accepting the blame for everything.. so don't take all the blame for this. At least you can see it now.

When you describe your childhood, your DM tried hard to shield all of you, but since then has had trouble coping and so you've been put into the Shielder role. The "good" "protective" "helpful" one. All great qualities but not when the person is being completely taken advantage of. I note from your other thread that if you dare to question or criticise or ask for things to change, both your DB and DSis respond explosively and then treat you to The Cold Shoulder... as punishment. so in the past you have fallen back into line.. to protect your mum and not cause her more pain... to heal the family breach and keep on having to sort out both DB and Dsis, shelter them, help fund them, plan and host their religious wedding ceremony. So you've been trained by siblings to obey them or they will punish you by exploding or ghosting you. And what is more, there is never any gratitude and you will always be in the wrong. That is them training you to redouble your efforts to please them under the guise of healing the family relations again.

In practical terms, I would bin off the DB and the DS, you have learnt the hard way that nothing you do will be good enough. Let them sort themselves out in every particular from now on. Take no more responsibility for making them happy and be very clear in your own mind about this.
Next, you said you want to help your Mum. Don't just assert he should be paying towards the house. Provide her with evidence that he can more than afford it. sort out... on a spread sheet the monthly/quarterly and annual bills. ...This is what your DB is saving every year. You can roughly calculate how much he has left over every month. If you want to go the extra mile. Calculate how much he's been earning in total from the property you helped him acquire so that your DM can see for her self that he is not penniless.... and weigh that in her own mind. You should do the same for yourself, go back through your statements and work out how much you have been subsidsing both DM and DSis..include the times you've paid for your DM to stop her subsidsing them. then think what you could do for your own DH and THREE children with that sum.

Then do a simple schedule for your DM to show your DB and ask him to pay his way. She will feel more confident if she has the facts to back this up. Without arguement or recriminations.. simply... Oh I noticed that I am paying this amount for xy and z and I need you to contribute half or I will have to take in lodgers. DB "Oh but DF and debts and why should I?" Her, "You have had a bill free decade so the bills for the resources you are using still need to be paid now." Don't let her argue. Let him think about it.. then repeat again.
With gatherings, meals etc. Texting in advance is your friend. Download a copy of the menu, text in advance saying I cannot afford to pay for everyone's meal again, neither can DM. You Each pay your own" I think there are split the bill apps. Or ring the resturant in advance and ask if you can each pay for your own. Stop taking responsibility for other people's bills. If they threaten you with the cold shoulder, let them... its a great respite....AND DON'T TAKE THE BLAME FOR THEIR PROBLEMS EVER AGAIN.

I really don’t understand your enabling behaviour OP towards your Brother.
Everyone pays for themselves, problem solved . Can’t afford it do something cheaper. My family always pays for themselves- we don’t have “big man syndrome “ where you have to be seen be perceived as more affluent.
Stop playing the victim