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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Younger brother never pays his way

204 replies

Aandespine · 11/10/2024 14:10

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 11/10/2024 15:51

You’re enabled this man child. He is continuing to behave this way because you say nothing and let him get away with it.

Why would you be financially supporting him when it puts you into debt. It makes absolutely zero sense and honestly more fool you.

Aandespine · 11/10/2024 15:58

Thanks for all your responses. To answer a few questions:

I didn't tell my husband about this particular incident. We've spoken in general about my brother's sense of entitlement, more generally as a common thing amongst younger siblings.

I have been very blunt in the past. I've told him I'm not working, I'm a SAHM, have no income, I've even been explicit about the amount I have in my account at times, but he still doesn't get it. In fact he's blamed my financial situation on my husband and suggested my husband wasn't taking care of me properly which hurt me a lot. For reference me and my husband rent, have 3 kids, and he's working a good job but with the outgoings that come with a family of 5.

This particular trip to the café came about following a huge argument a few months ago in which I called him immature and told him to man up. I suppose I expected things might have changed since.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 11/10/2024 16:03

@Aandespine he doesn't have to "get" it. You just have to say no to him and mean it! Follow through and don't allow fear of upsetting anyone to put you into debt. Younger siblings do not all have a sense of entitlement, it depends on how they have been brought up.

BMW6 · 11/10/2024 16:06

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have been an absolute fool and it's high time you told him and your Mum the gravy train has ceased forever.

Don't spend a single penny more on either of them. He can support your Mum financially since he lives in her home.

If it means being NC with both of them so be it.

I've never heard anything so utterly ridiculous.

Pallisers · 11/10/2024 16:07

You haven't been blunt. Blunt is saying "let's meet in the cafe. And by the way let me make it absolutely clear I will not be paying for your lunch" explaining your financial situation is all just yap yap yap to him - tell him no and follow through. I can't believe you went into overdraught to pay for his food.

And younger siblings are not always like this.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 16:11

Why did you have financial commitments to your mum and your siblings when you were younger? Surely your mum should have been supporting herself and your siblings?

I also don't understand why you felt responsible for helping your brother buy a house when you aren't even in a position to buy a house yourself. And now that you are a SAHM with no income, you are still in the same position, paying for everyone in the extended family. You say your mum is struggling financially, but so are you.

RampantIvy · 11/10/2024 16:12

Just telling him you don't work isn't blunt.

"I'm not paying for you" is.

Why do you feel you can't ask him to pay his way? You either tell him you are not paying for him or you don't eat out with him again.

Dropping hints clearly doesn't work.

easylikeasundaymorn · 11/10/2024 16:14

howshouldibehave · 11/10/2024 14:15

He is an high earner and owns a house mortgage free but still lives with your mum. Why? How?

What do I do?

Stop footing bills for everyone and don’t pay for him at all. You’re in your overdraft! Why would you?

Use your words!

This! I've no idea why you seem to have decided that any option other than one person footing the entire bill would "cause a scene". Just say "okay mine and the kids' food came to £30" and just tell the server that amount when they come round with the bill.

Surely this is standard practice with most larger groups of diners whether family/friends/colleagues. Whenever I go out everyone just pays for themselves.

If your mum decides to pay for him that's on her, it's not for you to manage her money. She can't be struggling financially that much if she agreed to go out for a meal in the first place.

ComingBackHome · 11/10/2024 16:14

I wouldn’t explain.
I wouldn't make it a big issue.

But I’d say NO to paying for him and walk away.
Im pretty sure he’ll pay.

In the family situation, I’d be clear to your mum you’re not paying before hand (and before arriving at the restaurant).
And I’d wait.

I think it’s both your brother and your mum that have got used to you paying for them.

itwasnevermine · 11/10/2024 16:16

Pallisers · 11/10/2024 16:07

You haven't been blunt. Blunt is saying "let's meet in the cafe. And by the way let me make it absolutely clear I will not be paying for your lunch" explaining your financial situation is all just yap yap yap to him - tell him no and follow through. I can't believe you went into overdraught to pay for his food.

And younger siblings are not always like this.

I think there's a tendency for them to be though, the babies of the family etc etc

JHound · 11/10/2024 16:16

Aandespine · 11/10/2024 14:10

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

What you do is stop paying.

Aandespine · 11/10/2024 16:17

Rereading my OP the situation does seem pretty ridiculous.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 11/10/2024 16:19

Tiredofallthis101 · 11/10/2024 15:13

Stop hinting, be clear. I can't pay for you any more so don't expect it next time we are out. I'd be very clear with the bill when it comes - right my share is £30, mum yours is £20, Bob yours is £25. If he tries to cry off (forgot my wallet etc) I'd say - ah ok no problem, happy to pay with my card, let's do a transfer now, and wait until he's paid you. He knows he can get away with it so he is - don't allow it any more. Maybe worth getting some therapy to help you address your challenges in enforcing your boundaries.

This. Or even better just take enough cash to cover you and the kids and say "sorry Bob I didn't bring my card either and only have enough money to pay my share", and get up and leave.

You've said you've had a huge argument and called him immature before so you clearly are able to stand up to him, so I'm not sure why you're so scared of just saying "I've paid for myself, lovely to see you, catch up soon" and going. There's no reason for it to turn into a scene.

Teddyjumper · 11/10/2024 16:21

Stop hinting. Stop paying. That would be a start. Just bloody tell him, before you're next out together, that you will only be paying for yourself in future, you can't afford to pay for him or anyone else.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/10/2024 16:21

not only follow the suggestions above re him paying for meals or at least his half, if your DM is struggling financially you need to suggest that she isn't charging him enough rent /board and lodging.

coldcallerbaiter · 11/10/2024 16:23

How did he pay for his house outright? From his own earnings?
Is he just getting rental for now and plans to live at the house he owns eventually? Does he want a family himself? Is he looking for a wife at some point?

Ivehearditbothways · 11/10/2024 16:25

This seems like it’s totally your own fault. You babied him. You’ve taken control of everything he has done financially, and you’ve continued to pay for things instead of opening your mouth and telling him he needs to pay for himself.

Grow up.

HiThereSquare · 11/10/2024 16:27

I don't understand why people let things like this happen to them
When all they have to do is say something.

All this agonising and feeling awkward and embarrassed is crazy just use your words.
'Sorry Bro but I don't want to pay for you anymore. You will have to pick up your own bills'

HotSource · 11/10/2024 16:31

How was he able to buy a house mortgage free?
And why did you choose the house?

It's all quite bizarre.

Fastback · 11/10/2024 16:37

OP, you really need to pull yourself together. You have no money. Stop paying for your golden child brother. This situation is utterly insane.

faithcrowley · 11/10/2024 16:38

I have an older sibling like this, who I feel has a sense of entitlement to my money because I work in a professional that people generally assume is well paid (but really isn’t!). They are paid more than me but are terrible with money and regularly assume I will foot the bill.

The simple answer is to start saying no. I know it’s hard because I’ve been there, but now I couldn’t care less about “causing a scene” and outright state I will be paying for mine/my family’s part of the bill only.

Cosyblankets · 11/10/2024 16:41

Here's the bill it's £30 each. Here's my share.
Job done

Chromey · 11/10/2024 16:44

He doesn't need to get it. You just need to stop paying for him, just refuse and tell him what his share of the bill is.

redtrain123 · 11/10/2024 16:45

Simple, when you go out, you blatantly ask him to lay his share. Don’t wait for him to offer.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 11/10/2024 16:47

Stop hinting and stop paying. Simple as that. Dont wait for him to offer to pay - tell him that it's his turn to do so.

If he is stupid enough to try to challenge it, you have every right to bluntly point out his scrounging (because that is what it is, at this point).