Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

I can only think you must get a buzz out of being by the one to 'splash the cash' because why else would you allow this to continue?!

However close you are to your Mum she is allowing this to happen.

Use your words and stop. No one else should be spending your money for you!

I was actually anxious at the thought of paying. I've had to excuse myself from other family get togethers for this very reason, and I made a very big deal about agreeing with everyone how to settle to prior to another get together at a restaurant (while my me and brother were not on talking terms).

I'm trying.

I haven't rtft just the ops posts but op your brother is NOT oblivious, he is doing this on purpose. He is clearly a fucking selfish twat. He must have no respect or empathy for your mum Or you to do this.

Dickhead 🙄

I mean, you'd have to be seriously hard of thinking to the degree of needing support in day to day living to not be able to work out that it's not right to Never offer to pay your own share of anything (let alone treat loved ones).

I'm guessing that as you say he has quite a well paid job he isn't short of brain cells 🙄 ergo: dickhead 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP Your care for your little brother has created a pattern that traps you. Goodness knows why your mother doesn’t grasp your difficult situation, but I think the PP is right: you have to tell your brother to grow up.

I think the observation by a different PP that you like to flash the cash is unfair and completely misreads what’s going on

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have tried to get the message across and still got the same entitled behaviour. It means that the communication method chosen didn’t work so you need to either find a different way to communicate, accept the status quo or not see them.
My suggestion would be that you write an email to both, or letter to your mum, being very clear. You were happy to help in the past but you are quite simply not in a position now to pay for more than your share. At the time you could help more you had more than them. Your brother now has more income. If he does not start paying at least his own way then you can no longer join any family outings. Very calm language, very factual, very unemotional. Ball is then in their court, if they suggest any meet up check if it is on an each pay for their own basis.

Never mind stop paying for him, stop going out for things that cost money with him!

The problem is that when you refuse to pay for him, your mother says that she will pay. You know that she is struggling with money, so you then pay the whole bill.

I think your mum knows that you will do this. You say that you are close, but the caring seems one-sided. You care for your mum and pay for everything, even though you don't have any money either.

You need to harden your heart where your mum is concerned as well.

Stop babying him. Tell him it's his turn to pay. I'm afraid you've created a monster.

Then I asked the kids and my mum what they wanted, and stupidly asked my brother too (more a question of what do you think looks nice/what are you going to order). He made no indication of getting up to pay or to discuss the bill and how it will be settled. He just sat there. Then my mum got up to order and pay and I didn't want her to, so I joined her at the till and paid the whole bill.

In this situation I would have joked about him paying for himself or just gone up and paid for your mum.

Forget about this situation though and move forward.
You need to have responses ready for things like this.

The biggest thing you need to stop doing is offering.
Wait until he asks.
Even if you end up paying still, at least he’s asked and it’s not just assumed and then eventually you can work that part out too.

I would also stop going to places that cost money too.
If he says he wants to meet in a cafe, then say you can’t afford it and he can come yours instead or something.

What’s weird is I have a very similar relationship with my DB (not this extreme).
We grew up very poor and had a lot of trauma (DV, parents with MH, neglect etc) and so I’ve always lent him money when he needs it.
It was only the other day that it hit me, that he makes slightly more than me but he is in a relationship and shares the bills and has no kids and I am a single parent paying all of my bills myself. So although he’s not well off, he’s way better off than me.

So I can absolutely sympathise but for your sake you need to stop.
I would do it in baby steps though, so you don’t end up feeling bad.

What you need to focus on, is if anything happens to your mum, is he going to struggle financially because he’s always had it so easy.
Making him budget and pay his way now, will benefit him in the future.

In this situation, maybe could you have gotten up to order with your mum, each order for yourselves and paid for yourselves and then told your brother when coming back that he might want to order soon?
What do you think would have happened?
What if he then said ‘oh I thought you were ordering for me?’ Just shrug. Or if he said ‘why didn’t you order mine?’ Say ‘oh sorry, I can only afford mine… and actually I’ll wait for you to order mine for me next time haha’

Some people won’t take clues, you have to put them in front of their cheekyness, ie making them say out loud the unreasonable thing they are asking and showing them by a dismissive reaction that you won’t even entertain the thought.
Easier said than done, I know…

Why are you hinting?! He's your brother. Just tell him to pay his way. You've babied him and martyred yourself too, and you've fostered a huge sense of entitlement in him. Given the circumstances and that you're choosing not to address this, it's entirely unfair to just cut him off. Pull yourself together, woman up and say what has to be said

Can you sit down with your DB and lay it out for him as you did here? And then contrast his privileged position with your struggles, and point out that he never, ever pays. If he’s having a go at your husband for not providing, but he’s refusing to step up and provide for either your mum or for you, what does that say about him? Sounds as if he needs his hypocrisy really shoved in his face, because he’s either oblivious or is shameless enough to feign ignorance about it.

That’s not being blunt. Being blunt is saying I can’t/ won’t pay for you. What you did what confide your situation

So your brother has a well paying job and owns a house he earns an income from but he lives with your mum and contributes nothing? And your mum is skint?

Yeah no that’s financial abuse if he’s willing to see her suffer for his own financial gain, this set up is really toxic. I think you need to be frank with your mum and explain if she won’t tell your brother to pay his way then you are not in a position to financially offer her support. He’s a big boy with a job so I assume some brains and common sense, he’s very aware of what the situation is but he’s been allowed to escape any responsibility in your family dynamic and now he’s flush with cash and you & your mum are supporting him! This has to stop.

That’s not being blunt. Being blunt is saying I can’t/ won’t pay for you.

This!

What do you would have happened if you'd just put down the money for your meal, and left everyone else to pay their own share?

You need to start looking after yourself.

Your brother is incredibly selfish.

What do you think would have happened, that should say.

Stop meeting them for meals out if you are not able to stand up for yourself.

I don't think it's the big deal you think it is. Just next time you're out, pay your share. Literally just say I'm going to put my share on my card or even better put the cash down. You've just got into a dynamic of you always paying and you just need to stop.

Stop trying, just stop paying. There's no conversation needed, just a text from you to your brother explaining that the tables have turned, he is now the one with more disposable income and you are letting him know, in case he hasn't realised. Then say you will now linger br able to foot the bill, so it's either his turn or you just pay for yourself/family and he pays for himself. No conversation , just a statement that you don't need to discuss. While you are at it, tell him he should be paying rent also.

He owns and rents out his mortgage-free house, but loves with your mum (who's struggling financially) for free?! Why?

This is the real issue here, not a few meals out. He is an awful person.

Next time take cash for you and your kids food and no more. That way you can't pay. If they try to push you - oh, so sorry, only have £30 on me.

Spot on