Younger brother never pays his way

[Aandespine]

I have a younger brother (30 years old) who I've always been pretty close to. There's an age gap between us, and I've always felt a maternal responsibility towards him. I supported him through his studies, career, and even helped him purchase his first house mortgage free (I selected the house, chose the bank loan for renovation costs, helped with decisions during renovation, sorted out the accounting side of things, helped decide on a tenant, put together a tenancy agreement etc). He lives in my parent's house rent free. Has never paid bills. Has a fairly high earning job considering he has no huge outgoings.

Now, I'd never be in a position to buy a house. I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. I was earning a lot when younger, he was still a student, and I was happy to pay for things back then- I paid for holidays for the both of us - flights, accommodation, food (we both love travelling), whenever we eat out, sit in cafés, I'd pay each time.

Over the past couple of years I've hinted that he should be paying his way, and been quite open about my financial situation not being the same as when I was younger, but nothing changed. I was still paying for everything. I got married and started a family recently, stopped working to look after the babies. Granted I see him less frequently now, but whenever we go out the expectation remains that I pay for everything.

We went out the other day with extended family and he didn't even offer to pay his share. I ended up footing the entire bill (didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially) but have ended up in my overdraft as a result. There were young children with us and I didn't want to cause a scene.

I'm just so ashamed to admit this about him and so so disappointed in him, and myself I guess since I had quite an influence on his upbringing. I don't want to cut contact, but I'm really sick of his selfishness sense of entitlement. What do I do?

People like this know that other people find it embarrassing to ask/tell someone else to pay. They know full well that just sitting there silently will mean you pick up the tab to avoid embarassment. It's manipulative and deliberate.

It isn’t in the context of you having ‘had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings’.
Im not sure why you had those commitments as none of them were your responsibility as a young adult.

But the reality is that now your responsibility is towards your own family. And you and THEM need to accept the change.

I don't understand why you have allowed his situation to perpetuate.
You are infantilising him and he is exploiting you

None of this is relevant.

If he owes a share of the bill, he should be paying a share of the bill. It's not complicated.

You have two choices. Put up with it or put a stop to it. If you keep paying for him you lose the right to complain about it. If you put a stop to it problem solved.

OP - the fact that you say you had financial obligations towards your mum/siblings makes it sound as though your mum is hard up.

But she can't possibly be hard up if she is letting your brother live at home rent free and without contributing to the bills, can she? If she was genuinely short, she could charge him rent and utilities, but she chooses not to. He's 30, so this setup has been going on for a long time - a decade?

And if she isn't hard up enough to need to charge your brother rent, why are you even paying her bill in the cafe, let alone your brother's?

Both your mum and your brother are mugging you off, and have been for years. Your mum has financial options (charging your brother rent) that she chose not to pursue because she knew you'd pick up the slack.

That house your brother bought? You indirectly paid for that.

You need to find your anger about this.

Oh God it has to stop now, he is one of life's takers and that is not a good way to be. Take this as the final wake up call and also do what a PP suggested and directly ask him for his share/half the cost of the meal.

@Aandespine I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. what does this mean?? were you paying the bills for everyone in the whole family????? were you the only one who worked??? how many siblings do you have???

I don't understand why you're allowing him to do this, you don't need to cause a scene, just tell him before you go out you can't afford to pay for him and just pay for yourself. If he can't cover it for any reason he can't go, don't jump in. You're going to have to put your big girl pants on and say no, he doesn't pay because you just do it. No hinting just say no.

I would bet my mortgage that there has always been a golden child / black sheep dynamic going on in the OP's family. I beg a lot of responsibility and blame was heaped on the OP from a young age.

This is definitely not just the brother's fault.

"I have been very blunt in the past."

Why only in the past, OP? The situation persists!

"I've told him I'm not working, I'm a SAHM, have no income, I've even been explicit about the amount I have in my account at times"

All good, but have you actually pointed out to him that he's an entitled, cheeky fucker and there's no reason he should expect the women around him to pay his way like he's a baby.

"but he still doesn't get it."

He absolutely does get it.

He gets it and he's very happy with it - he is counting on you not making a fuss so he continues to get paid for. He doesn't care that you can't afford it.

You need to start refusing, point blank, either to pay for him when the time comes, or - if that's too hard - to go anywhere with him that will require payment.

He wants to go for dinner? You say, "No, DB - I can't do that because you never pay your way, and Mum and I can't afford, and don't want, to pay for you."

I know it's hard to challenge bare-faced cheeky fuckers, but it's time to hoik the big-girl pants up.

Does he ever get you anything for your birthday or Christmas, out of curiosity?

Does he have a girlfriend or do they run when they realise he's a freeloader,

Aside from the money, why did you take such control of his house buying process? He’s an adult. I would have found it totally bizarre if my sister had sorted out loans for me when I bought our house

Your mum knows that he owns a house mortgage free, and she also know you rent. But she sat there and let you pay because he's her golden child.

All this "didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially" stuff is absolute nonsense. She is actively choosing to struggle financially rather than charge her golden boy rent/bills.

I'm guessing she was guilted into it, maybe by the mum as well as her brother

Quilted into it??

Stitched up you mean??
😂

Exactly this. Others have enabled him to to be this person and likely encouraged it too.

That doesn't mean that it should continue at all and needs to stop now. It is madness, others should not struggle financially to accommodate him.

I guess this hurts me a lot- that my mum, knowing how little I have these days since starting a family, is happy to see me struggle to pay the bills for my brother rather than request that he pays his own way.

Stitched up sounds about right!

(Typo corrected now)

I was the only sibling that worked at time, in a field that has a reputation for being well paid (but isn't really, similar to a PP). I wasn't paying for household bills directly but helped out whenever they needed it.

So? You can tell him you’re not paying his bill and he needs to pay for himself.

I think you need therapy because this isn’t normal. You need help.

Exactly this. My younger brother need help and I was expected to support him (often at the expense of my own admin).

I agree with the previous poster who said to WhatsApp him now and ask for half of the money.