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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do now? SA by friend

213 replies

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 17:45

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

OP posts:
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TheArtfulScreamer1 · 06/10/2024 18:00

Something similar happened to me a number of years ago and I walked out of the house and have been NC ever since. I didn't consider going to the police as it'd have boiled down to one word against the other and I could be doing with the rigmarole for no conviction if I'm honest.
I've no real advice to be honest as I've sort of locked my experience away in the box of numerous other incidents of when men thought they'd the right to chance their arm but I didn't want to read and run and you're certainly not alone

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/10/2024 18:06

I'm sorry that this happened to you op. Do you have support irl?

Skyrainlight · 06/10/2024 18:07

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would never speak to this person again. Be prepared for them to come to your door and if they do decide what your plan of action would be, call the police, etc. I don't have good advice but I would call one of the help lines to get some advice.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 06/10/2024 18:08

Disgusting behavior
No contact ever again.

Please seek counseling. This is horrible to go through

Tiredandneedtogotobed · 06/10/2024 18:10

I would ring the police. Maybe talk it through with a SA charity? It must be so confusing. I’m so sorry this happened. It is not your fault. Xxx

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 18:12

I would message them (just so it’s on record, in writing, in case you do decide to take it further at some point)…

“I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.

And then block them on everything.

Dotto · 06/10/2024 18:13

I would contact the police and make a report and gain help and support from a SA charity. This person is a predator and it was most definitely sexual assault. Do you have anyone IRL to confide in?

Seashellssanctuary · 06/10/2024 18:15

You should definitely contact police.

This person may not get the chance to repeat this with you but without consequence will not give a second thought to trying it with others in future

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 06/10/2024 18:18

I'm so sorry. This is unforgivable behaviour. What would his stopping point be had you not woken up?

It's up to you whether you want to call the police. Whether you think they will do anything or if you're comfortable with what they will do.

I'd say it's clear you're not safe around him. You need to go NC. Block him. You don't need to explain why, he knows. Any words on his side are to protect himself or keep you as a friend which he's proven he isn't.

Do you have support in real life?

Original poster
lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:22

Thank you, I don't even know what I'm asking for but I think I just wanted to put it down in words and have others opinions.

I told two friends in real life both of who know him really well and they are both in agreement that it is sexual assault but no advice on what I should do next.

I just can't get it out of my head and I feel so disgusted/betrayed. He was probably the person i was closest too and i held him in such high regard, i cannot believe he done this.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 06/10/2024 18:22

I’m sorry OP, you’re right to feel exactly as you do. How despicable of him. What (if anything at all) you do next is entirely your choice so do what is right for you in every moment. He does not deserve anything at all and has no say at all about how you respond.

Seashellssanctuary · 06/10/2024 18:22

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 06/10/2024 18:18

I'm so sorry. This is unforgivable behaviour. What would his stopping point be had you not woken up?

It's up to you whether you want to call the police. Whether you think they will do anything or if you're comfortable with what they will do.

I'd say it's clear you're not safe around him. You need to go NC. Block him. You don't need to explain why, he knows. Any words on his side are to protect himself or keep you as a friend which he's proven he isn't.

Do you have support in real life?

At no point did the OP mention gender.....apologies it was added in the following up post

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/10/2024 18:23

@Seashellssanctuary it's a very personal decision.

A close family member was sexually assaulted by someone they were friends with and reported it to the police. An initial statement was taken , they then had to wait a month for the appropriate department to be available to take full details of the incident. It was then dismissed by the cps as lacking in evidence. It was a terrible time for her. She moved on with family support and counselling.

I'm not saying this discourage the op from reporting what happened , merely to paint a realistic picture of how these things can go , and how the process can add to the trauma.

Please be kind to yourself op.

*Edited to acknowledge your response about discussing this with friends.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 06/10/2024 18:26

Offer up an ultimatum . Either he accepts he sexually assaulted you and respects your decision to end the friendship or he gets reported to the police. And mean it. If he keeps harassing you then do report him. In your shoes being rid of him and moving on would be sufficient for me
.

EPankhurst · 06/10/2024 18:32

I'm so sorry this was done to you without your consent. It's not your fault, it's 100% his.

You might like to get some counselling to process your feelings about it.

Who knows what they would do if they were actually in the position that you are in. I think I would want to send him one message: You sexually assaulted me. and then block and keep blocked. So that he could not continue to pretend that it was all just a big misunderstanding.

OverthinkingOlive · 06/10/2024 18:33

I would try and get him to admit what he did via message, maybe ask something like "why did you do it?" And hopefully you'll get something on record.

Then go to the police and get this fucker arrested. Sorry you're going through this OP x

WhereAreAllTheOddSocks · 06/10/2024 18:36

I'd say get him to admit it.
Ask what exactly he's sorry for. And why

Then report. The next person may not get the chance to get up and walk away

Elderberrier · 06/10/2024 18:37

Would you consider reporting it to the police? This man is a sex offender and risk to women. But many women would not wish to go through the legal process which I completely understand, no judgement if that is not right for you. It’s very sad to have lost a friendship too.

Original poster
lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:43

I don't think I would report to the police. He told me that he felt suicidal before after a relationship breakdown and after 10+ years of friendship I feel like this was a serious blip in what I otherwise seen as someone morally sound. I'd feel guilty if I reported and he decided to do something like take his own life.

I suppose I was in two minds to reply to the text and call him out on it but I'm not sure it would achieve anything.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 06/10/2024 18:44

Id love to believe that in this situation I would straight away report to the police, but I know the reality is very different.

I hope you can access some support.

I agree that you should message him stating what happened and asking him to not contact you again. I bet he will and could well incriminate himself.

DoYouReally · 06/10/2024 18:46

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Yes, it's sexual assult and it's compounded by the fact you thought you could trust this person.

I woukd actually text to say, I woke up to you sexually assaulting me, don't ever come near me or contact me again.

Personally, I would report it but I know that's not the same decision for everyone and it's also a case of he said/she said.

Would you consider talking to someone about it, either a sexual assult helpline or a clinic?

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/10/2024 18:48

@lookingforadvice26 I can absolutely understand you feeling this way , as until he committed this crime he was your friend. It'll take you a while to detach and find your anger. But please base your decisions on you , and your life. His feelings stopped mattering when he touched you without consent.

Dotto · 06/10/2024 18:48

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:43

I don't think I would report to the police. He told me that he felt suicidal before after a relationship breakdown and after 10+ years of friendship I feel like this was a serious blip in what I otherwise seen as someone morally sound. I'd feel guilty if I reported and he decided to do something like take his own life.

I suppose I was in two minds to reply to the text and call him out on it but I'm not sure it would achieve anything.

You don't owe anybody anything, but in a similar circumstance I reported so the police had a general picture of a person. He had children and I didn't want him to think that being a predator was OK as long as women and girls keep quiet, for him.

Suicide would be entirely his choice and not your fault, and not a green card to assault women with impunity.

sonofrageandlove · 06/10/2024 18:57

im not saying it’s your responsibility OP, but this is unlikely to be the last time he tries this kind of thing. At least if the police have a record of it, then at least it’s building a picture of this person incase it’s needed in the future.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 06/10/2024 19:04

I had a male friend who made it clear he wanted more. I didn't. We spent a lot of time together.. Always sober at home but went to clubs with other people.. 1 night he said he was prepared to be making a mistake but could he kiss me? I said yes but he would never have done so without specific consent.

Ultimately he has no respect for you op. So sorry you have lost your friend.. I lost mine too. We were both too fresh out of marriages and it was doomed... Haven't spoke to him for 16 years. A big miss.