What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

This is good advice.

This…
it is exactly what you should do.

i sadly also agree if it was me I wouldn’t bother with the police as it’s he said she said and then you have the trauma of it dragging on and him either not being prosecuted or being found not guilty

I agree with others, unfortunately I wouldn’t bother reporting to the police but it’s the best thing to do if you’re able. I would send a very clear and blunt message then block on everything. This wasn’t a blip, he has shown you who he really is – nice people don’t sexually assault sleeping women by mistake

Report to the police. They may not be able to press charges, but it might at least send him a strong signal that this is utterly unacceptable behaviour and maybe frighten him enough to not try it again.

@lookingforadvice26 I agree with @SauviGone - let him know that touching someone without consent is assault and that is why you are done with him then block. He KNEW you aren’t interested and has no respect and did it anyway. And he clearly waited to take advantage when you were asleep, hadn’t tried while you were awake. If he had you might have gone home.

Mimic what some others have said please speak to the rape crisis centre or a similar charity. They helped me when I was assaulted while drunk and asleep at a house party. I always thought it was my fault and it wasn't rape as I didn't fight.

I tried suppressing it and it was really really detrimental to my mental health but the amazing people at the rape crisis centre helped my awcknodge what happened and sort through my emotions

Is there any benefit of unblocking him to send the message saying he sexually assaulted me? I don't see what good will come of it and the confrontation just gives me more anxiety waiting to see what he says back.

It's a contemporaneous note if you do send the suggested message.

If things get nasty, it may be useful.

I would say the benefit of you messaging him would be to protect yourself in the future if required. If he turns up to see you and you want to call the police it would be useful to have something documented.

What he did was vile.

If a man did this to him, I wonder if he’d be ok with it or not (assuming you are a woman).

Funnily enough, these predators don’t find anything wrong with it until a man does it to them.

You don’t need to do anything right now.
Leave him blocked and give yourself time to decide what you’d like to do.

As PPs have said, perhaps speaking to a sexual assault charity may be helpful.
It doesn’t mean you need to go to the police or take it further in any way.

@lookingforadvice26
I just wanted to say first: I am so sorry this happened to you. It was SA, no question. I suggest that if you do decide to respond in any way, you could: take your time, compose exactly what you want to say (maybe on pc/other platform. When you are happy you've covered what you want to say, unblock, send, then immediately block again. If it was me, my message would include something along the lines of: "it is a matter of fact that I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. It is also a matter of fact that,due to this gross and unforgivable betrayal of our friendship, I no longer wish to have anything to do with you. So don't bother trying to contact me ever again. Any attempt to do so will result in an immediate report to the police." Then an immediate block. I hope your good friends are there for you and 🫂💐

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please seek advice from a rape crisis charity, they have helped me so much over the years when something similar happened. My biggest regret is not seeking help sooner.

Withdraw I would without engaging it's sometimes the best way.
Leave the block on. You don't need to engage.

Sometimes walking away is best for your sanity messaging just gets your more involved.
Silence is powerful.
He's not the right friend for you.

Something similar happened to me, I was quite vocal about it. He never admitted it but moved away quite abruptly. I didnt go to the police or get any counselling and I didn't appreciate a couple of friends trying to get me to so. Do what feels right for you and what you need, whatever that may be.

Something similar happened to me op when I was 19 (rape) and I didn't report it either because it was unlikely to go anywhere. I wish I had, tbh. It still haunts me. I think sending a clear, unequivocal message that what he did was sexual assault and non consensual means that if things were to get unpleasant, you've got a record, immediately after the event, stating your position.

Only you can decide op but I'd be making it clear that this was non consensual

Report him. You had a lucky escape but the next person might not. This is not a “blip” someone has to be a serious predator to do this. Even if the police don’t take it any further it might be enough for him to realise that this is seriously criminal and either get help or think twice before doing it again.

If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it. If you're unsure, You don't have to do it today. You can wait until you're ready. There are pros and cons to sending it. It's good advice but it could aggravate him and I can see why it would increase your anxiety. Do what's best for you.

@lookingforadvice26 if you do message, I would not wait for a reply but block immediately.

This is so, so not on you. You are not responsible for his feelings or his behaviour. He has absolutely taken advantage of your trust, utterly betrayed your friendship and completely disrespected you as a person.

What you do or don’t do is completely up to you but do not let yourself be manipulated by this man’s feelings. He has done enough.

Please report to police. He will do it again if he gets away with it. What advice would you give to your daughter if she came home and told you this ?

He is trying to minimize what he did. In no case should you allow it.
SauviGone said you should send him this: I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.
I agree.

He is not ‘morally sound’ but a sexual predator who is a danger to women, and clearly not the first time he has done this (too brazen)

I would report because he could gain confidence from this incident and escalate. He needs to be stopped.

These types of men hide in plain sight. Contact the police and ask for help.

This.

I would try to get him to admit in writing via text message that he had sexually assaulted me and then report it to the police.

If this was not an option, then I would in some way seek vengeance. The fucking bastard.

I’ve had this happen to me before. My
’best’ male friend of many many years.
adored him in a brotherly way, trusted him entirely. Used to stay over at his and him at mine, all the time, same bed. Then one night randomly I woke up to him fingering me and wanking himself. I froze, didn’t know what to do, so just lay there. Haven’t seen or spoken to him since.

im sorry this happened to you, it so so shit. Do you feel you could report it? Sorry if you have already answered, it took me a while to write out my experience. I really hate some men. It broke my trust in every man.