What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

You should report it to the police. If nothing happens it is at least logged if he does anything like this again. I hope you're ok, and plenty support around you ❤️

Agreed with this.

You've made it clear you don't want contact.

He's trying to ignore that now. He's, once again, not respecting you or your wishes.

Your friend is a good friend. They now also know how firm you have been in your request.

Indirect contact ALSO constitutes harassment - please make sure you are fully aware of this.

That update is yet another red flag. Take note. If it happens again its definitely time for the police. You've said this very clearly. Now if he does it again YOU MUST follow through. Look into the civil route too.

I had an ex that behaved like this. In the end I reported it and was ultimately prosecuted for stalking and harassment. Men like this don't do 'NO'. They don't take responsibility and they don't stop unless they are forced. Please consider going to the police.

Op is there any chance he's been drugging you when you've stayed at his before and it just didn't work this time? (I think you said you'd stayed there before) Just wondering this could have happened before, after reading the horrifying stories of that guy in Manchester preying on students...
Sorry,I don't want to add to your anxiety over the whole thing but it coming out of the blue and his reaction to getting caught is freaking me out, like he didn't expect you to have woken up and caught him.

You are all so kind thank you ❤️

I promise if I have any sort of contact from him again then I will go straight to police. I don't feel scared of him exactly... I don't like confrontation and the whole thing makes me feel sick but I don't think he would be violent or cause me harm in that way.

Will try and sort cameras/more home security for this week.

I don't think so, it's always been last minute unplanned times that I have stayed and I have always felt ok the next day.

Part of me wonders what he said to my friend in the message and the other part of me doesn't even want to know as it's unlikely he will have admitted what he done and him trying to say it didn't happen will only upset me further.

Could you ask your friend to read it and tell you if there's anything concerning/threatening in it, without giving details? It's best she hangs on to the message in case things escalate.

Sorry I didn't update fully, she said he had deleted it before she had a chance to go in and open it.

He wouldn't have said 'hands up I did sexually assault her and now I feel terrible'

He will have his own story which is lies that makes it sound like somehow that was something that I wanted him to do... whilst I was sleeping. Wanker.

I've nothing helpful to add but what an absolutely abhorrent thing to have happened! I'm so shocked that a 'friend' could feel that they could do this...wtf was he thinking? It's beyond fucking awful. 😲

So he sexually assaulted you (eventually as he'd probably been planning how to get you in a vulnerable situation for ages), he then tried to minimise it by texting you, then tried a sickening attempt to apologise with a bunch of flowers?!?! And is now trying to sort babysitters for your kids for a holiday he clearly believes you'd still go on? I mean, the guy is deranged isn't he?

You've said you don't think he'd be violent etc towards you but you probably never thought he'd sexually assault you either. Sadly, even after a 10 year friendship, you don't know him as well as you think you do.

Your response via your friend needs to be carried through if he continues to attempt to contact you. He may become a stalker OP so I'd definitely speak to the police sooner rather than later.

He's a creepy little bastard Op, he thought your friend would help him but obviously thought better of it, maybe he thought it was too outing. I'd be speaking to the police about a Claire's Law request, it seems more and more likely he's done this before.

I have come back again not to pressure you into reporting him but to speak to a counsellor about this man and your relationship with him. Your feelings will already be conflicted and you don’t owe anyone (even possible future victims) anything. You do owe yourself the chance to process and heal - that will include unpicking your relationship with this guy in the first place. Did you ignore red flags? Were they subtle? Etc…. Some of us are lucky and learn from this one experience and some don’t have a family history where their judgment would have been listened to, so don’t grow up learning to speak up or trust themselves. I really hope you make the right choices for yourself.

@lookingforadvice26 I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not responsible for his mental health. Please don't use that as a reason not to report.

Ultimately it is your choice. There are two reasons why I wonder if reporting may be possible. Firstly, so he stays away and secondly because if he would do it to you, he would do it to others. Going to the police lays some ground work in that regard...

It is your choice but don't not go for him, if you don't go to the police make that be for you.

I would highly recommend specialist counselling through a SA charity.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

hope you’re ok OP