What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

A betrayal is always a 1000 times more painful when it’s done by someone you trust.

I’m sorry this happened to you. For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing by sending that message. I don’t think you’ll hear from him again. If you do tell him if he doesn’t leave you alone you’ll go to the police.

I am in the uk, we had planned a trip to Australia together.

I feel the same, my spidy senses are tingling. I really hope this is just the end of it though.

He's persistent which is a worry.

He's trying to minimize and gaslight you. He's determined to plough ahead that everything's fine, maybe you overreacted (you certainly haven't) and he's trying to play this as you were both a bit drunk and it was a "misunderstanding". I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I would report him for harassment if he tries to contact you again. I hope you have supportive people around you OP, this man is awful and you don't deserve any of this 💐

@lookingforadvice26 I was SA’ed at 14. I understand your reluctance to press charges. Just don’t let his supposed suicidal ideation from the previous relationship breakup be a reason for not reporting this. His “Fragile MH” is actually a studied behaviour used to ingratiate himself (fake safety) and excuse boundary-crossing and bad behaviour. I would be greatly surprised if he hasn’t done this before. It might be smart to speak to the police about doing a background check as he sounds like he has a history of stalkery behaviour at the very least, but I suspect you are not the first object of his obsession. Right now he will be shitting himself - hence the panic/nice guy “proof” messages. Please speak to the police and get the information you need to decide if you want to press charges.

How far into planning the trip were you? Enough that he could try and get nasty?

I was raped when I was 18 and I suppose it’s comforting to be fully awake exactly what happened. There is something so sinister with what he did to you. He waited until you were asleep, he took total and utter advantage because he knew you would say no when you weee awake and it was like he was playing a game with your body “if I turn her on when she is asleep she will wake up and want it”

that is premeditated on his part and truly awful. Please don’t underestimate what he did to you. It is so so NOT ok on any level. It is even more complicated because he was a friend.

I am so sorry. I really mean that. This will be hard whatever you decide to do as you have been violated and betrayed and your wishes and boundaries trampled over.

I would recommend finding a therapist to talk to.

the man that raped me sent me a text message after I drive home and said “hope you got home safe xx” which was so confusing. I blocked him and never heard from him or spoke to him again. In contrast to another posted I do not regret it.

what I did do was go to the police two weeks later and they documented What happened but I never gave his name-if I had they would have arrested him. But it was all written down in case I changed my mind later. I never did

if you need to talk I’m here

@Fraaahnces His “Fragile MH” is actually a studied behaviour used to ingratiate himself (fake safety) and excuse boundary-crossing and bad behaviour.

This is interesting as I've had similar experiences with men who I feel protective towards and feel empathy for, and then months later realise I've been manipulated. Do you have any links to research?

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP 💔

That man can't even see that after SA you you wouldn't want to go to australia. I'm sure he won't ever take enough accountability to be suicidal. Could you report just so there is a paper trail?

I find his note really scary. Very calculated.

Unblock, send the message, re block. Don't wait for his answer. It's irrelevant. But he needs to be clear what he did.
If you want someone to talk to and for advice, Victim Support are excellent. They offer emotional and practical support and can advise you of your options. They will also run some safeguarding if it seems necessary.

To add - Victim Support have a live chat facility if you don't feel able to actually speak what happened to you out loud.

I think his fragile MH is a load of bollox,he is manipulative and knows he can tug on your heart strings. I had a boyfriend who would do this too, in the end I told him to do it,he never did,just got angrier instead. Surprise surprise 🙄

Hmm you haven't booked flights have you?

And he posted this AFTER the incident?

Hmmm. Watch out for a 'big gesture to make it up to you' of buying tickets to try and guilt you and manipulate you.

Or if you have just booked tickets for yourself, watch out for him randomly turning up.

Make sure your social media is locked down. Consider changing your password.

Something smells off.

Report him to the police.

The lack of boundaries from this man are scary.

The sexual assault, the flower, card & it's contents and he's now requesting babysitters for you online.

I would contact the police.

I’m so sorry Op. I get your reluctance to report to the police at first but based on the flowers and the FB I really think you should. Just in case he persists.

Have you got a ring doorbell?

I'm quite disturbed by your last post @lookingforadvice26 , he's playing the lovely man trying to help his friend. It may be that now you've messaged him he'll stop pretending but I wouldn't bank on it. You've worried about him but you should be worrying about yourself, he has everything to lose now and you need to protect yourself. I'm not trying to scare you I'm trying to make you see that he's not your old friend anymore, you owe him nothing

Report it. Even if you're worried the Police won't take it seriously enough to prosecute, REPORT IT. Not just for you but for the next woman he could try this on.

Fuck him and his mental health - that has nothing to do with his disgusting actions.

The messages this morning are him panicking. And he should be!

It is 100% sexual assault, and yes, 100% your word against his BUT the creepy bastard is more likely to stay away from you if you report him.

I'm so sorry, OP. That must have been horrible but you really need to put yourself and other women before him now.

Op I’m so sorry for u !
But u must report regardless of the outcome if he does this again then it will be on record if he attempts to do it again ! And then maybe they wud get justice !
u mention he felt suicidal from a long term friendship ending did he do it previously to that friend ?
Block him if he can’t see what he’s done he isn’t sorry he isn’t a friend he is a predator friends don’t do this x

You can't turn back time and report him now but you really need to if he contacts you again.

It's the only thing that will stop him.

He's clearly desperate to control the narrative and in keeping quiet you're playing into his plans to cover this all up and 'make it better'.

There is no making it better and that is 100% his doing.

You clearly need to focus on you at the moment but how can you with this hanging over you?

Maybe ringing WomensAid might help? For a bit of official advice and clarity?

I would absolutely get a Ring door bell or similar.

@icelolly12 - no research sorry. Just the vast experience of a once very vulnerable young woman who is now much older and wiser.

I think the baby sitting enquiry has several motives.

He's trying to pretend that everything is normal. that he's a Helpful nice guy and looking forward to Australian trip. then he can play the victim when the trip is cancelled by you.
He's maybe also hoping to use it in a further contact to to say.. Oh by the way, I've found a baby sitter for the Australian trip etc. to make you feel guilty about cancelling it and to pretend that what happened was all a misunderstanding and so why wouldn't you go on the trip.
You mentioned that you have been friends for years but recently split up from your other half.. I think the timing of his behaviour is no co-incidence.

So sorry you are going through this. Could you report to police but put a pause on whether you press charges? so that its on file at least.
Your text to him was very clear and he has no leg to stand on.

I think you were right to send it. He tried to rape you and he can't get away with not even being called out on it. I'd be inclined to report it tbh in case he continues stalking you, his mental health is not your problem.