What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

I mean, I'm guessing he doesn't actually give a fuck about you, or your friendship, he's just trying to cover his arse.

This happened to me in my 30’s. I was in shock for so long. I am so sorry this happened to you op. They are awful entitled bastards.

no contact. Cut him out completely

I ran into one of his really close friends a few years later who asked me what happened and why we weren’t friends anymore . I told him. I am still glad I did this.

look after yourself op. It takes time to process and work out how you feel.

What a horrific time you’ve had, I’m so sorry for all the shit that’s been thrown at you and now this. It happened to me except it went a step further. I buried it but have struggled with body memories and flashbacks for over 15 years, so I’m finally addressing it through EMDR. I’m so glad you’ve found a counsellor, I think it’s really important to address and process these things sooner rather than later. Fucking bastards.

With the latest development of the card and flowers, it’s getting into stalking/harassment territory. Do you feel safe? Do you think he would turn up at your house?

I totally get why you don’t want to even think about it anymore but perhaps if you report it they can warn him off? Or send one message telling him he SA you and to never contact you again then block him on everything so you’re not waiting for a response?
I'm sorry you’re having to go through this

I think even if you don’t want to go to the police, I would send one message saying “You sexually assaulted me. I did not consent and you knew I did not consent. Do not contact me again”. Hang on to the written message.

rapecrisis.org.uk/

Don’t let this guy ruin your day, what you decide to do about him is another thing entirely and not something that you need to act on immediately

yes to the counselling, yes to rapecrisis and any other support in the meantime while you navigate your way through this difficult time.

youre in control here. He gets no say in your life or your mood. Take back your power

we’re all here for you @lookingforadvice26

in so sorry this has happened to you

@lookingforadvice26 it’s him, he’s disgusting. How dare he minimise this. As others have said, this was non-consensual, an assault.

He's trying to pretend nothing happened Op, or if it did it was because you'd both been drinking, so now he's trying to make it sound as if you're both responsible for what happened. Please message him, just the once, and state clearly that he SA you, it was his fault and in no way did you consent.
If he calls at your home again then I'd report him to the police.

Sent.

I just hope there are no repercussions, I blocked him again straight after sending. I think I would feel responsible if he done something stupid.

Well done OP. That couldn't be clearer.

I am sorry to hear about what happened, OP, and like many other posters, want to reassure you that this isn't your fault. it's ok to feel disappointed but hopefully you can stop blaming yourself for not realising before that he wasn't as 'morally sound' as you used to think.

I agree with everyone else who's recommended calling Rape Crisis and/or visiting a local SARC - they will all offer you non-judgemental support, and advice if you need it. It's totally normal to find yourself thinking about an incident like this multiple times a day, and lots of ways to heal and recover, which they can help you with. (eg sometimes writing down a detailed account of what took place can help you clear it from your brain a bit)

Well done for sending him such a clear, unarguable message about what he's done. I hope losing your friendship makes him seriously reflect on his behaviour and change how he treats women in future, but you are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing/ helping him to change!

It might be worth thinking about how you might want to address this with any mutual friends or acquaintances (anyone who's going to notice that you aren't friends with this guy any longer), and if you feel ok about doing it, work out a clear, unambigiuous message you can give them ("he sexually assualted me while i was sleeping, knowing full well that I had not consented to him touching me") to explain what happened, so they understand why you don't want any contact with him in future. and don't want them to even inadvertently share information about you/ your family/ life with him. and don't want to hear about them spending time with him.
This would have the added benefit of making any other women in his circles more aware of his disgusting behaviour, and less likely to trust him in future.

Only go to the police if you really want to. Not because lots of people on here have urged you to do so. The SARC is a much better source of help (in my experience).

again, I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

Well done!

Good message @lookingforadvice26 , short and clear, no chance of misunderstanding. I know you're worried but whatever he does next is not your fault, he's in the wrong and women shouldn't have to let men get away with bad behaviour to protect the man. Men always try to play down SA, you've let other men do it so it can't be that bad but he's had a profound and horrible effect on you. Stay strong Op and don't be afraud ti speak out

This situation and anything he does after violating your trust is unequivocally on him OP x

Thanks everyone, do you think that will be the end of it now? Will that be the last I will hear from him? He makes me feel sick now.

He knows what he did, he was trying to minimise it and gaslight you into doubting yourself and thinking it wasn’t anything bad, a misunderstanding or something

you know the truth, you know HE knows what he did, he was hoping you didn’t

he sent flowers right? Was that his handwriting or did he actually dictate that to the florist? If so, he’s ice fucking cold.

if this bloke has any sense, he’ll drop it, he’ll never contact you again.

but if he does, don’t blink, contact the police and tell them that you’ve told him to leave you alone (and why) and he’s not listening.

its up to them if they pursue charges.

for now, breathe. You’ve done the right thing, you’ve been clear and factual and you’re incredibly brave.

we’re all here for you

I agree that if he contacts you now you should contact the police.

In a way I wish you hadn't blocked him because I would've liked to have seen his reply to that. He didn't have a leg to stand on. It was a very good clear message and well done for sending it.

Well done op! To me, his note reads as a message you might send someone you had a consenting but I'll-advised drunken fumble with. It also reads to me as a 'this was headed to a relationship and our fumble might have scared you off'. He is trying to convince himself he didn't do what he did. You have corrected him.
If he contacts again I would unblock, repeat your last message and add that you will be contacting the police if you ever hear from him again.

You are now at a point where you have made it very clear you do not want further contact with him.

After this, if he does try to in anyway, you don't respond to him - he's looking for your attention.

If he contacts you again, you treat it as harassment. There are two options for you to go down in this situation (this is via citizens advice):

Reporting harassment to the police
You can report harassment to the police. They can charge someone with criminal harassment if:

the person has harassed you more than once

the harassment made you feel distressed or alarmed

If the police decide to charge someone, they’ll send the case to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS). The CPS is an organisation that can take people to court - this is called ‘prosecution’. If the CPS decide not to prosecute the person who harassed you, they must let you know.

You can report harassment to the police on their website.

Taking someone to court for harassment
You can take someone to civil court if:

they’ve harassed you more than once - this includes stalking

the harassment made you feel distressed or alarmed

The court can order the person harassing you to stay away from you - this is called getting an ‘injunction’. The court can also award you compensation.

If the person keeps harassing you after you get an injunction, they’ve broken the law - this means they could go to prison.

You can go to civil court even if:

you haven’t reported it to the police

you reported it to the police, but the the CPS decided not to prosecute the person who harassed you

the CPS prosecuted the person who harassed you and the court decided they weren’t guilty

If you’re thinking of applying to court, you should get legal advice.

If you go to the police you DON'T have to push for him to be done for sexual assault. It'd be difficult for you to prove anyway and they will probably acknowledge that.

The action of repeatedly trying to contact you against your wishes is enough of a problem altogether and much easier to prove.

For this reason I recommend you keep the note as potential evidence.

If you go down the civil route this then would make it easier for the police to act if he tries to contact you again.

In reality knowing both of these routes is useful because you can use them in combination.

The point is, you have now made it absolutely clear beyond any doubt that you do not want further contact.

Bloody well done!

If he contacts you again he's a fool because that adds harassment to SA. He'd hoped you'd let him get away with the assault and go on as before, your message tells him that isn't happening. Hopefully he'll have the sense to leave you alone

A friend who has him on social media sent me that he posted this 2 days ago, he's been blocked since the original post two weeks ago now so why he is asking for babysitter for me for the trip we were supposed to go on is delusional.

Why would he be making plans that I'm going after that and me blocking him.

It's definitely about me as we had discussed organising a baby sitter for my kids when we were there when we had been planning the trip.

OP I hadn't realised you weren't in the UK.

Make sure you have at least one friend who knows the situation. And look into how harassment is dealt with in Australia. I suspect there will be similar options to the UK.

That post is concerning. Not to try and scare you but it strikes me that this guy may have an unhealthy obsession with you.

Treat accordingly and with caution. Thats a red flag I don't like the look of and I feel it shows a potential risk of escalation.

Awful thought, but if you've stayed at his before after a night out, then maybe this wasn't the first time this happened, just the first time you have woken up to it/similar happening.

This behaviour from 'trusted male friends' isn't that unusual- plenty of stories on this thread and others. I think it is a sort of grooming process where they manipulate us into getting what they want one way or another under the guise of friendship.

You've done the right thing calling him out on his behaviour and blocking. Hope you're doing okay today, it will take a lot of processing and going back through your friendship. Glad you have a counsellor to unpick this.