What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

Yes you absolutely call it out to him and then not only will he not bother you again, you are also standing up for yourself.

NHS has some advice and signposts to other helplines and organisations.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

“I’m sorry how the night ended”???
”I don’t want things being rubbish between us”???
And he suggests that you go round and take some food!!!

I think you really should tell him that you’re revolted and upset - you woke up to him assaulting you while you were asleep. Remind him that you had not given any consent whatsoever… Then block him again if you need to. But he shouldn’t be getting away with his Scott free. Without being made to feel uncomfortable about what he did. So he might just think in the future.

Agreed, I would do this.

I did report an SA to police a few years ago. I said I didn’t want it investigated as it was a he says/she says scenario but I wanted it on record in case he was a repeat offender they could come back to me to build a picture of him as a predator. The police were actually very nice and professional about the whole thing. Of course you don’t need to report him if you don’t feel comfortable - it took me a few years.

Also I am so sorry for what happened. It was not your fault.

I am so very sorry to read this. A 'friend' of mine did similarly only not physically fortunately - he kept messaging trying to be sexual and wouldn't stop when I said no - that made me feel grim enough, and utterly betrayed. I had held him in so much esteem and I was so disappointed. But that's nothing compared to him TOUCHING you.

Ignore his "suicidal" claims, I suspect he said that to see if he could get you to feel more open to any sort of sexual shennanigans. If he did do anything to himself, that is entirely down to him - but isn't it interesting that he feels suicidal, but also seemed to be able to feel sexual?

I would urge you to contact the police and report this if for no other reason than that someone else is talking to and listening to you and telling you this isn't OK. While they may well not be able to take it any further, they are very likely to contact him about it which will scare the shit out of him and may well put him off doing anything like this again.

However, this is entirely up to you. Whatever you do FOR YOU will be right. You do need some time to recover from it. Perhaps don't do anything for a few days and just block him so you don't have to worry about dealing with him; however I suspect he may not leave you alone... if you go to the police and they talk to him he will not dare contact you again.

Please ensure that all your mutual friends know about this so they're warned.

He planned it.
He could easily do the same, or worse, to someone else.
Your 'no' meant nothing to him.
I would seriously consider reporting him.

Unblock, write the message, then block. You don't need to see his response; it will never satisfy you. But you need to tell him. Write what @SauviGone has said. Factual, unemotional and absolutely cut the fucker off.

Sorry, it's grim. Been there.

I would send this message regardless of whether I reported to the police or not.

I am devastated that you sexually assaulted me whilst I was asleep. I am in shock, and currently deciding whether I will be filing a police statement in the morning. You need professional help.

And block.
Some sleepless nights and waiting for the police to knock on his door will at least slow him down in the short term.

The only thing you should be thinking about is taking care of yourself right now. Anything else can wait.
What is right for anyone else isn't relevant to you atm.
It's lovely you've had so many responses with wise words.
I hope you can lean on your friends irl 🌺

Unblock, send the message, then reblock him. Don't think about him or his feelings again.

This.
So sorry this has happened to you OP. What a creep :(

Something similar happened to me when I was 18. I know it was a 'friend' just don't know which one. I was asleep after a house party in a bed with my now dh and woke feeling there was a hand running up and down the inside of my leg. I thought it was my now dh, but he was fast asleep on the other side of the bed. I thought imagined it so went back to sleep. It happened once more before I decided I was going to try & grab them. But they got away and I couldn't find who it was, despite running from room to room.
I told other friends but no one took me seriously. My now dh was so upset he slept through what was happening. It kept me awake for so many years & I wish I knew for certain who it was, but I guess they'll take that to their grave.
I think of my situation was like yours, I'd send the message & then block him again. Who cares what he says after that. Like a pp said, if a man did the same to him you'd guarantee he wouldn't think nothing of it.

I'm so sorry that you've been sexually assaulted by a friend - it's a horrendous betrayal of trust. You don't need to make any decisions right now but I would definitely talk it through with a support charity who can help you think through your options and help you find a way forward. You have done nothing wrong OP and all you need to do is look after yourself 💐

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/#:~:text=Sexual%20assault%20referral%20centres%20(SARCs,appointment%20with%20your%20nearest%20one.

And yet I doubt very much that he feels guilty for sexual assaulting you.

What he is trying to do now is to soothe you into complacency and so he can smile to himself that he has eroded one of your boundraries and he has the green light to go ahead and go a step further next time.

And he hasn't been your friend, he's been very clear in what he wants and has in effect groomed you in a long slow game of cat and mouse and then tried to take what he wanted when he was convinced you were too far invested into the friendship and he felt 100% safe you wouldn't report him. His self reported suicidal feelings are a cover, a sheep like cloak hiding a wolf underneath and in plain sight.

To add to what others have said, please send him that message. You need to have something in writing in case you need it.
I won’t give my opinion on you not reporting him to protect his mental health because I don’t think it’ll do you any good…

Well I willl give my thoughts on what he could potentially do. Protecting his mental health means sacrificing alll of his victims past and future. Whom could suffer awful injuries and life long pain.

As a rape survivor, we have to find it within ourselves to protect each other and stand up to this, it’s not okay. It will never be okay. Or we give them the green light to continue… and all that means for the victims.

A bit nit picky I know but the police do not make that decision. The CPS do. However the assailant may be given a severe wake up call if he is arrested by police and questioned etc.

@lookingforadvice26 how are you?

I'm so sorry to read this OP. It is absolutely abhorrent.

And also the other posters saying similar has happened to them with ex "friends".

Do these men get a kick out of doing it when women are asleep or drunk as that's the only way they'd even get a chance to touch you - i.e. without your consent?

Do they think these women will wake up and have some how changed their mind and now want these sick men? I can't fathom what goes through their heads.

My advice is go to the police
You have been sexually assaulted

This happened to my BFF when we were in school. We had a male best friend and we all hung out together all the time. He was like a brother to us for literally five years with no funny business. Then one night after a party the two of them slept in the same bed (as we had all done countless times before) and she woke up to similar to what OP described. Absolutely destroyed her ability to trust boys/men and I honestly believe it fucked her up mentally for life. She didn’t report as it would have just been pointless and so awkward as we were still in high school at the time.

Having read the full thread
Why are you more concerned with his mental health,rather than yours
Why are you not fucking angry that his predator waited untill you were asleep to assault you ?
He knew full well you did not want him touching you ,which is why he waited till you were asleep...what if you hadn't of woken up ..would he of done it again ,next time you stayed over ...
This is not a nice guy who made a mistake
This is a vile predator,who most likely has done this before ,and without police involved,will carry on doing it to others .
Your future self will thank you for reporting him.
You may not be angry now ,but you will one day ,and you don't want to regret not reporting him .
Imagine if this had happened to your daughter,or your mum or your auntie...would you not be angry on their behalf,and tell them to report it .
If you hadn't of woken up ,how far would he of gone ......

So presumably be doesn't feel suicidal for having assaulted you, but might if anyone acknowledges it?
Bloody hell. So sorry he betrayed you like this.

I'd get very angry tbh.

I agree.

Let him sweat it out a bit. I'm so sorry OP, it's just awful.

He wasn't having a blip,he just showed you what he's been like all along. I would want to ensure he doesn't turn up and try to talk to you or SA you again so I absolutely would threaten to tell the police to keep him away. Then you can decide if you actually want to tell them or not. I like to think I would but I'm not in your position.

I would seriously be worried about a man who has no boundaries, he SAs you then wants to come round for a chat with some food? You need to ensure he stays away. I also agree with telling everyone, forewarned is forearmed.

Take care of yourself x