What do I do now? SA by friend

[lookingforadvice26]

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

*find a good one not a new one!

My typos are awful in my post- sorry!

Please please report

OP there is zero doubt this is sexual assault. Don't let your brain (or him, or anyone else) put a justification or explanation on it that implies it isn't. No "mixed signals" nonsense etc.

This! Quote of the decade!

I'm so sorry you have had such an unbelievably difficult time, that sounds completely horrendous!! Be gentle with yourself and try to find a good therapist as soon as you are able, and use the free help lines to dump in the mean time if you need to.

If you are in the UK. The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy or BACP offers a good starting point for finding a counsellor or therapist both geographically and by area of experience/ expertise. Some work on a sliding scale in terms of payment.

Finding someone who you feel comfortable with is important and any good therapist will be happy to speak with you first to see if you suit each other.

There are several SA organisations across the UK who sometimes offer free counselling.

So sorry you have been through this experience.

I strongly advise you NOT to tell him to watch that, it's a BBC drama , yes it's powerful but will be completely lost on a man who has no boundaries and may actually encourage him to contact the OP again .

OP,just a thought but there's no way he'd try and contact your daughter ,is there?

No definitely not, he wouldn't have realised that the text went to her phone.

If you text my phone number and it's sends as an iMessage then it automatically goes to her phone as it's signed into my iCloud. He wouldn't know this. He's just realised he's blocked and is contacting me through IMessage.

I just reached out to a counsellor through the online registry that someone recommend - thank you ❤️

So glad you're going to see a counsellor, from your latest posts you sound much stronger. I'm so sorry this happened x

The more you have felt able to tell us about all the trauma you have been through, the more fucking angry I am as to what he has subjected you to.

Sexual assault centres are specialists and can help you with practical suggestions such as screen shotting messages, writing down an account now whilst it's Fresh in your mind, consider preserving CCTV of when you were out.

Then if you decide to prosecute at some point in the future you have it all documented.

Well done on finding a counsellor, or taking the first steps. That's a really positive thing and starts to give you back some
Control.

You have choices and as long as you keep yourself and your daughter safe and well in the meantime that's the important thing

Well done on reaching out to the counsellor. The website a previous poster recommended is a very good one. I hope you're able to get a session with them soon.

I'm glad you've found your anger op. And please don't be hard on yourself , you should be able to trust your (so-called) friends to not touch you inappropriately , it's the bare minimum. Shame on him for harming you.

I'm also glad you're reaching out for support. Keep looking after yourself and remember that this group of strangers is here if you need to vent.

Please don't ever blame yourself for any of this, these bastards are good at hiding what they are.

I'm so sorry you've been through this on top of everything else you've had to deal with. Please be kind to yourself.

This.

He needs to understand what he did.

I think you should report to the police. Getting into bed with a sleeping woman who you know does not want sex with you and assaulting her is not a 'blip' its a serious crime committed by a man with no morals/conscience and/or mental health issues. Either way, he is potentially a danger to other women, who like you believe his pretence of decency. The chances of conviction are low, yes. But every report is a piece of the jigsaw and if he does it again increases some other woman's chance of justice. Any threats of suicide are a separate issue to this. There is an extremely high rate of suicidal ideation amongst pedophiles but we wouldn't allow them to continue for fear they'd take their lives. The principle is the same. His mental health cannot be allowed to endanger women. I hope you're OK OP.

Totally agree with @5128gap it's very serious.

Update, came home from work today to flowers delivered with this note -

Are you ok? I'm sure that has thrown you.

He is minimising this. He might even mean it but it doesn't change what it did and drink is no excuse.

I would be tempted to tell him that what he refers to as a drunken night is sexual assault but I understand it's most likely easier to ignore him.

I'm sorry OP, he's a vile fucker. If you contact him, I would write "I was asleep! It was not an 'encounter'. I did not consent." Then it is on your cell in a message to him if it is ever needed in the future. But I fully understand if you can not do this. Take care of yourself

Jesus, that's turned my stomach. He knows full fucking well what he's done and I'm guessing he's shitting himself about the consequences, the bastard.

Oh no, that's awful. He's minimising what happened describing it as a drunken night.

I would send him a message saying " You're sorry for sexually assaulting me? If you contact me again I will go to the police."

It has thrown me, I had barely thought about it this week and was actually just nipping home to get ready for a date. Feel a bit all over the place now.

I'm not surprised. Regain your power and send him the message and mean it, police ofy he contacts you again as that is harassment surely?

Don't let him spoil your evening, try and enjoy your date x

Fucking bastard. I would do exactly what @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor suggests. He needs a strong message.