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Original poster

What do I do now? SA by friend

213 replies

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 17:45

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Jaehee · 19/10/2024 13:59

So sorry you are going through this. Could you report to police but put a pause on whether you press charges?

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff it doesn't work like that in the UK. Once you've reported it, it's up to the police and the CPS to decide on the course of action. They won't drop a case just because you want them to.

Fraaahnces · 19/10/2024 14:03

I agree with @DuckbilledSplatterPuff - he’s also faking continued engagement. Like you’re continuing to dialogue with him like nothing happened and he can feign in innocence. He’s very practiced.

MadeForThis · 19/10/2024 14:03

He's trying to act normally so he can defend himself if you ever accuse him publicly.

He's pretending nothing happened.

GesmereldaWeatherwax · 19/10/2024 20:39

I'm so sorry to read your update. He sounds like he's still trying to manipulate you and control the situation. What a horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry he's continuing to put you through this. None of this is your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. I do hope you're in a position to cancel the Australia trip, like others have said I'd be concerned he'll turn up anyway if you do still go. Reporting aside as I think that is 100% your decision, I think your best bet is to block him on every form of contact you can think of that he'd be able to get to you so that you don't have to hear from him. If he sends you anything again it would be worth considering reporting him for harassment though as he's clearly doing it to intimate you.

I do hope you're doing as okay as can be right now. Also RAINN have a helpline which you can contact if you feel you need to speak to someone. They were recommended to me when I was sexually assaulted, I didn't end up contacting them in the end but they were highly recommended by one of my university lecturers.

MzHz · 19/10/2024 23:16

@lookingforadvice26 for me, that post is a kind of future faking, he’d have found someone and come back to you with details trying to distract you from the SA

dont let it get to you, have a plan to contact the police if he becomes a problem

you got this. We got you.

Sauvblanctime · 19/10/2024 23:28

So sorry op, I would report tbh. He’s clearly delusional and needs a proper talking to about it xx

XChrome · 20/10/2024 01:36

lookingforadvice26 · 19/10/2024 09:44

A friend who has him on social media sent me that he posted this 2 days ago, he's been blocked since the original post two weeks ago now so why he is asking for babysitter for me for the trip we were supposed to go on is delusional.

Why would he be making plans that I'm going after that and me blocking him.

It's definitely about me as we had discussed organising a baby sitter for my kids when we were there when we had been planning the trip.

Wow. He is nuts. Stay well away from him forever. Do not ever unblock him and if you happen to run into him somewhere and he says hello, say nothing and walk away.

Savingthehedgehogs · 20/10/2024 06:26

He is going to try and brazen this one out op. There is a total absence of remorse. He is confident you won’t report him, he is calculating that he can gas light you into believing this is just another drunken night…. This is clearly not the first time he has done something like this either. He was very careful not to admit anything on the note, and the SM post doesn’t name you either.

Keep this man far far away from your kids. This is a grooming exercise where he tells you it is just one of those things and of course he would never hurt you. Despite already doing so. A dangerous predator that needs reporting to the police.

Original poster
lookingforadvice26 · 20/10/2024 12:15

Recent update

What do I do now? SA by friend
OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/10/2024 12:18

I really would call the police, it doesn't sound like he's going to give up. Very persistent which is worrying. Protect yourself OP, get a Ring bell at the very least .

Great message to your friend, nice and clear, well done x

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/10/2024 12:21

@lookingforadvice26 I think it’s police time now. Take all the things from after; texts, flowers etc and leave it with them. This appears to be escalating and you do not need that hassle in your life.

Dotto · 20/10/2024 12:22

So now it's harassment as well as sexual assault.

Confusedgoosey · 20/10/2024 12:27

Please call the police. You deserve justice and he could be dangerous.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2024 12:29

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 19:33

Is there any benefit of unblocking him to send the message saying he sexually assaulted me? I don't see what good will come of it and the confrontation just gives me more anxiety waiting to see what he says back.

You won't know because he'll be blocked

And you'll have had your 'say' so he's very clear about what he's done

Cross post

Report him

He's being purposefully delusional about what he's done and minimising the seriousness of it

MzHz · 20/10/2024 12:55

I’m so glad you have your friends @lookingforadvice26

they really have got your back.

i think you do really need to process the thoughts that you may very well need to go to the police.

prepare yourself for this now just in case. You’ve told him not to contact you. He’s been told not to contact you directly or indirectly or you’ll contact the police.

one more incident and that is precisely what you will have to do.

im sorry for all this, you really don’t need this in your life atm.

MyEarringsAreGreen · 20/10/2024 12:59

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:43

I don't think I would report to the police. He told me that he felt suicidal before after a relationship breakdown and after 10+ years of friendship I feel like this was a serious blip in what I otherwise seen as someone morally sound. I'd feel guilty if I reported and he decided to do something like take his own life.

I suppose I was in two minds to reply to the text and call him out on it but I'm not sure it would achieve anything.

How he feels is not your responsibility. His feelings and his actions are his. Please don't feel some moral obligation to protect HIS mental health. Your mental health, what YOU can cope with are that you should be focusing on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Sugargliderwombat · 20/10/2024 13:03

So scary OP. Its up to you but if you were my friend I'd be hoping you contact the police now.

Fraaahnces · 20/10/2024 13:45

Also please don’t believe any suicide threats or even “attempts” are genuine or signs of remorse. They are simply acting. And post-dated attempts to create a MH excuse for psychopathic behaviour. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Just like with cheating husbands, there’s a predictable script for this shit too. You are not responsible for this. He is responsible for ALL of his choices he is trying to make sure that he remains unaccountable.

Fraaahnces · 20/10/2024 13:47

Also, enlisting others instead of you in a cry for “help” is to make you feel less inclined to report him, obviously. *You won’t want the weight of your friends “blaming you” for “making him do this to himself.”
Calculating Bastard.

Thunderpants88 · 20/10/2024 13:50

lookingforadvice26 · 20/10/2024 12:15

Recent update

Does this friend know what happened?

Sauvblanctime · 20/10/2024 13:58

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/10/2024 12:18

I really would call the police, it doesn't sound like he's going to give up. Very persistent which is worrying. Protect yourself OP, get a Ring bell at the very least .

Great message to your friend, nice and clear, well done x

Absolutely this

he’s playing it down massively, which is concerning

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/10/2024 15:37

Asking for help is just him attempting to get "his side" across to your friends. He thinks he can get them to reason with you on his behalf. He's trying to minimise as other pps have said.

He was probably hoping to use the MH excuse to your friend too, to emphasise that he is the real victim and the impact your cut off has had on him. Crocodile tears.
He has "no idea what happened", he thinks you are "over-reacting," he's "so unhappy," you were both "happily planning a holiday in Australia", he's "spent xyz already and was trying to organise babysitting because he's such a good guy when this bombshell hit," "please help me to get her to see this is all just a big misunderstanding," "poor poor me Boo Double Hoo." or similar.

It's good that your friend has your back..she is obviously wise to him, and your reply on what to say was very well expressed. Dont let any of this make you doubt yourself OP.

Errors · 20/10/2024 15:57

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/10/2024 15:37

Asking for help is just him attempting to get "his side" across to your friends. He thinks he can get them to reason with you on his behalf. He's trying to minimise as other pps have said.

He was probably hoping to use the MH excuse to your friend too, to emphasise that he is the real victim and the impact your cut off has had on him. Crocodile tears.
He has "no idea what happened", he thinks you are "over-reacting," he's "so unhappy," you were both "happily planning a holiday in Australia", he's "spent xyz already and was trying to organise babysitting because he's such a good guy when this bombshell hit," "please help me to get her to see this is all just a big misunderstanding," "poor poor me Boo Double Hoo." or similar.

It's good that your friend has your back..she is obviously wise to him, and your reply on what to say was very well expressed. Dont let any of this make you doubt yourself OP.

Absolutely be prepared for this. He sounds like a manipulative bastard. He definitely has his excuses and his script ready

TemuSpecialBuy · 20/10/2024 16:18

Nothing new to add to this other than I’m sorry this happened to you and others are correct.

the flowers the fb post about babysitters and the message to your friends are all massive red flags that this guys has an unhealthy obsession.

You really should contact the police now. He is not going to go quietly and could be dangerous. The sooner you are on the radar / in the system with the police the better.

Teeshs · 20/10/2024 16:20

Oh OP, you poor pet.
I am so sorry.
I don't for a minute believe that this is the first time he has behaved like this.
He is so premeditated and calculated.
Pushing back hard with his manipulations because you are not falling in to line.
He is absolute scum.
I too think contacting the police would be wise.