I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

Have clearly defined roles and responsibilities, or take turns week to week. The conversation for me would go along the lines of 'you either step up and fulfil your fair share of responsibility or I leave, I won't model this inequality for my children'

I totally get it and don't think it's your fault. It's important to you and expected of you. Society for many years hasn't expected the same of men.
Would he listen to the parenting hell podcast, they are trying to get it.
The other trap it leaves you in is the nagging trap.
We were more equal/on board, but things I found helpful were

• I'll clean half the house every week, you do the other half (we can each then at least clean to our own standard fortnightly)
• Totally back off when pick ups or drop offs are his
• you do guides admin, I'll do football admin

Etc

In our house, one person has all the responsibility for specific tasks.

So DH does all the food shopping and cooking for example. I don't always like what he buys/cooks but I try not to get involved. Obviously I would buy food if asked, if passing the shop, if he's away etc.

I do all the school admin (for various reasons ours is complex) but do make him do a packed lunch once a week so he's grateful I do it the rest of the time...

I am brisk with the wandering off. "DH would you rather do the dishwasher or put DC to bed?; "Laundry or supervise homework?"

I strip the beds so he's forced to put new sheets on. Or he'd leave it months maybe. That way he has to do half.

I employ a cleaner.

We are still much more equal than anyone else I know (apart from, ironically, PIL from whose excellent example he has apparently learnt nothing!)

Harden your heart. Structural sexism is not your fault.

I grew up with a default parent. My mum was a stay at home mum until I was in my mid-teens, when she took on a VERY part time, one day a week, job.

She did absolutely everything. Frankly, my dad was, most of the time, just a bloke who happened to live there as well. Of course, I loved him, but he had some mental health problems, and wasn't always the easiest to get on with. He's no longer with us, and I miss him every day, but I never had the tight, loving relationship with him that I have with my mum.

I understand you mentioned mental health problems which does perhaps put a different slant in it but I also think in the past, lots of fathers were like this. Quite aloof sort of figures in the house who worked, came home and whose interactions with their DC were fairly limited. Remembering my own grandfather, I imagine he was very like this when his children were growing up.

Well maybe that's true (my dad was certainly a bit crap when occasionally left to look after us) but there was no expectation or need for my mum to earn a proper income either, while he worked long hours in a paid job, so there's that.

He was useful as we got older, helping with homework, lifts, cars, housing, work etc.

So he was there, he provided financially and gave practical help when needed. This is what was expected of fathers decades ago. I think it's a more recent thing that we now expect fathers to be emotionally intune with their kids and involved in more day to day care. Not saying one way is preferable to the other...just that expectations and roles have changed a lot.

It's the same way women are now expected to go out to work and earn a living. I agree with you about how it used to be for men but it also used to be different for women. Somehow they've risen to the modern-day standards of not being SAHM if they choose. Men can't have that excuse to not rise to the modern day standards too if they choose. It's a choice that some take and some don't, for both men and women.

Yes I agree. Too many men nowadays seem to want a 1950s style housewife who also works full time. They want the best of both worlds...but if women are working too, they need to step up.

this isn’t really your fault. I think some posters don’t realise how ruthless some men can be about this kind of thing. Asking nicely doesn’t work. Explaining doesn’t work. Trusting them to handle it themselves doesn’t work. It’s like number 1 on their agenda is to do fuck all at home and they are determined to stick to it. There isn’t a magic combination of words or actions from you that makes a difference.

yeah some men (and women) avoid tasks because they’re micromanaged and nagged over the specifics but that is a different thing.

This is the reason my relationship with my kids dad ended. There is no real solution when one person is parenting to a decent level and the other parent is doing a terrible job.

Two things which I tried which had an impact at the time, although not a truly lasting one were:

I went away for a week with work and left him to do everything. It was hard, and I was worried about the kids, but it made him realise how much I was doing and he was more open to directions after that.

I sat him down and made him look at basic parenting standards on the internet. Stuff like is it safe to leave a baby in the bath, is it abusive to put a toddler to bed with no dinner, what is the neglect threshold for social services etc. He was very angry but I really forced the conversation around whether he was ok with this parenting standard (the answer was no, he was only ok with his parenting being this standard because I picked up the pieces).

We’re separated now and he has the kids 4 nights a month. Still does quite a shit job but better than before.

I agree.

Like I said before too, in almost all cases multiple children are usually involved, sometimes 3 or 4.

Even if he didn’t become useless until baby #1 arrived. Why have baby #2, #3 etc and then complain that he’s useless and doesn’t do anything? It’s making things more difficult than it has to be.

I think a lot of women would rather have children with a useless man than not have children at all.

That’s part of the problem and something women can control to a certain extent. It doesn’t have to be a choice of children with useless man or no children at all.

Agree with you and @Merryoldgoat Tale as old as time.

Agree as well and with the reply above from PP.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

Read this!

Then make him read it.

That's if he still wants to be married in the next 2, 5, 25 years (without an angry, resentful wife, that is). Seriously. Sort it while they're young!!

@Comedycook I wasn't being critical of my father. As you say, by the standards of his time period, he was decent. However, I don't think it was particularly expected of mums that they be "emotionally involved" with their children then either (I was born in the early 70s). My mum certainly didn't see that as part of her "job description" so to speak. Nor was much support with school work expected. Nor did such a large proportion of people use group childcare (OP mentions nursery bags).

Getting back to what the OP posted about, there is more judgement of mums than dads when they are lacking in this regard. The baseline required to be considered a hands-on dad is pretty low. And the men know that. Look at all the times posters on here describe some woeful specimen and then say "but he's a great dad!"

I think it can be addressed but it takes determination, you have to lower your standards, and you sometimes get criticised by other women too. My DM still finds it astonishing that DH and DBIL do the cooking. She has somehow not noticed that DSis and I do a bunch of stuff our dad does.

No I didn't think you were being critical....I just think it's interesting how these roles have changed over time and our expectations of both men and women.