I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

Start tonight.

What are you doing now?

What is he doing now?

Who is making dinner?

What's the bedtime routine?

What can you TELL him to do while you do something else?

No packed lunches for tomorrow so no need to worry about bread 🤔

You have a make the point

Not half make the point then do it for him

Make him do it and give ZERO FUCKS if it results in an argument or cross words because you are right

This is frustrating

You mean you cannot say to a fully grown man - bath the kids tonight because he will potentially leave them to suffer harm?

I highly doubt that unless he is truly thick

I won’t say I haven’t thought about it but long term I don’t think it’s the answer. I am not sure there is an answer as many of my friends are in the same boat but maybe I’m at the extreme sort of end of it.

Tell him it’s totally unacceptable and he needs to step it up as a parent, partner, and, frankly, an adult.

My husband and I alternate days on who gets up with the kids and gets them ready for school. He always takes them in and I always pick them up. That might not work with every couple’s schedule, but there are clear expectations and we know whose job it is to do what and when.

Where is he “wandering off” to? Go get him before you start the bath water.

Why do you doubt it?

Yes, it's really annoying. No-one trains us to be Mums, so why do we have to train them to be Dads?

My DD is now a teenager and I'm still bitter about it.
Second what someone else said about not letting school/childcare default to you too. Put DH's phone number down first etc.

Somehow it is STILL my job to read the school emails and keep parents evenings, term dates etc. in my head.

Bloody 'wife-work.'

You say to your DH “on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s you do children mornings, and Monday, Wednesday and Friday you do children evenings” Initially, have a white board up with instructions. If he gets it wrong, no-one will die.

I do get very angry that so many women on this board martyr themselves and believe if they trusted their OH’s a tiny bit the sky will fall in.

Sounds like if you try and change this situationyou’ve got yourself one heck of a house manager job. Men aren’t accidentally this useles, they purposefully choose it out of laziness and a lack of love and respect. Managing them is like managing the tide coming in, futile and exhausting.

Personally I do it all, I do it for the benefit of my kids and I have my ducks in a row to leave at some point when they can be safety left with a useless parent without risk of major harm.

If he's that negligent a parent, he needs dumping.

Have him make dinner or do the packed lunches while you bathe the kids if you really can't trust him not to let them drown. I'd have zero respect for such a man.

I also honestly think even if you micromanaged his parenting and left him detailed instructions, he would not follow them because these types of dads never do.

You can address it if he is a decent human being who respects you and loves his children.

If he's a shit husband and father who has no desire to change, then it's not going to work.

I think you're going to have to address whether he wants to be a husband and father in couples therapy before you can risk him drowning his children to make a point that childcare is beneath him.

See - you have made it my fault here. It isn’t about martyring myself, it’s about the fact that I want my children to be fed, be safe, I need to get to work on time myself, I can’t (or more to the point won’t) not brush teeth etc.

It really isn’t that I’m martyring myself, it’s frustrating you think that. And the way society works DD1 turns up to preschool with her hair a mess in dirty clothes teeth unbrushed and with no lunch, who will be judged? It won’t be Dh, will it, no matter how equal MN is the rest of society hasn’t caught up.

Most men love their children and wouldn't intentionally cause them harm. That's why it seems unbelievable.

Leave your waste of space husband.

Okay so he disappears off - where does he go, what happens next, what happens if you call him? (To be clear, the onus shouldn't be on you to call him, I'm just trying to understand how he's physically getting out of things)

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen i get what you are saying, it isn’t your fault. I don’t have to ask my husband to do these things, he just knows it’s a team effort. A lot of men do not know this. Unfortunately you have one who does not. Hopefully he is a good man who has fallen into the trap that many men fall into where he doesn’t think it’s his job. Your options are either to do the work and make him take responsibility, it will be draining and it will take time but if he’s a good man it might work. You can leave him or you can continue to do it all. It is not fair that it is your problem but it is your reality

Exactly. This is the normal response. I'm not sure why OP is dithering about actually communicating with this man who knows wandering off gets him what he wants.

I get it, why is it your job to make him step up? Why did nobody have to make you step up? Youve got enough to do without having to train a fully grown adult to do the basics.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen can you trade off jobs then? You deal with the kids, but he cooks, cleans , does the shopping, dishes etc. If he won't do anything as functional adult/parent then fuck me, you have a long life of shittiness ahead of you and you should seriously if that's what you want.

So go and spell it out to him

This is a you problem not societal

Ranting here won’t change him

And believe it or not, many men are not like your husband- the state of your workload is something your both are jointly responsible for

And also if you are claiming he is a risk to your children then you need to look at your own judgment for having a second child with him!!

Of course people are focusing on what you can do as you're the one here reading. If you get him to post a thread we will answer what he can do.
There's no point in us saying yeah he should do x y and z because that doesn't actually effect any change.

Me too. It's frustrating and I wonder how did it all start or they must have shit-for-brains dh.

Let them judge away, maybe the issue is that he is not worried about judgement from others, which is surely a good thing? Live your life not the one others expect.
If you're jumping in every time you expect to get judged then he will probably feel like you don't trust him or there's no point.

This. When he notices that none of his clothes get washed anymore, for example, you can point out that since you pick up all the tasks related to the kids, you don't have time to do stuff for him. If he contributes to the system, he can get benefit from the system. At the moment he gets its benefits for nothing.