I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

…. and when something horrible happens to the OP, like long term hospital care or worse, what happens to the DH and DC because she hasn’t given her DH the opportunity to learn about getting lunches together etc.

Taking on all the work, knackering yourself and playing the martyr doesn’t help anybody. Taking the time to identify and share roles is no5 an extra task, it’s future planning

How about doing a hobby one or two evenings a week out of the house. I think the pressure of him being on his own might kick him into gear and obvs you get to have some nice evenings to yourself going to the gym, meeting friends, meditation class, book club, quiz night, massage or whatever it is.

The morning prep I wouldn't bother fight that battle tbh.

I would be very, very blunt after giving him a list of everything you do with the girls and a list of what he does, including the wandering off so you have to take over so they don't drown/die/starve, and ask him to explain why you wouldn't just be better off being a single parent with his lack of involvement in actually raising your children.

@Alicana i agreee with you there. But I would personally allow him an opportunity to rectify it by voicing issues first, as perhaps he is so stupid he just isn’t aware of his failings.

Well someone could die if he leaves small children unattended in the bath while he wanders off.

You need to make it harder work and more
effort for him to not do it or do it crappily so they eventually realise it’s less effort to get on with the job and do it properly. Otherwise the learned helplessness is pernicious.

Start going to the gym before twice a week and go straight to work from the gym. If you're not there - and if you're unable to answer your phone - he'll have to figure it out. Your DD may not have the lunch you'd give her but I imagine he'll cobble something together and he'll get better,
I was fortunate as, when I went back to work after DC1 was born, I had to leave before DC1 woke up twice a week so I just left DH to get on with it. My mantra became "it is appropriate". So she might not be in the t-shirt which co-ordinated with a particular set of leggings but she was in a t shirt and leggings which was appropriate for the weather; she might not have had the breakfast I would have given her as I thought it was her favourite but she'd eaten; she might have not had her bottle warmed but she still drank it.
As they got older, I'd go on a day out with a massive bag with change of clothes, snacks and all of those sort of things; DH would just have his keys & wallet. They still had a great day they just had to buy some emergency clothes on more than one occasion

Wise words!
Similarly, use your position of default parent to choose the tasks you’d rather do yourself. I’m in charge of meal planning as I can decide what we eat - better than being in charge of the car maintenance and cleaning, or emptying the dishwasher. Same with DC, I’d rather be the one choosing their new clothes so this I do but DH is in charge of selling old ones second hand / taking to charity.

This^ also you will have to give up control a bit and not get too frustrated if he doesn't do things quite the way you do. It's the other side of the coin.

My DH does all school runs/food shopping/washing. I do bedtimes/cooking/decluttering jobs that he hates. I remember once years ago when he was annoyed that I had forgotten to pack deoderant when we went swimming (kids were tiny). So next time I suggested he do it... well he forgot a nappy for the youngest, had to dry himself very quickly and do a round trip to get one from home. I said nothing 😂😂. Basically if you don't make them do things they won't learn and they won't realise the burden it is.

I sort of trained him up on the food shop but but now he's been doing it a few years he's much much better than me at remembering what we need, he always apologises if he forgets something, but again I know what a mental load it is so I never complain. I really appreciate him doing it.

Have a frank chat and give him clear responsibilities.

It sounds like you have tried everything when actually you have tried nothing.

You are being told it’s your fault because you have chosen to become the expert in parenting your children and are now getting frustrated because you have to deal with a novice.

DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise.

Here's your problem. DH isn't being the parent that they needs to be, so you have to parent the parent and your workload is double. You can't trust them, so you don't give them the "real" tasks, they get the easy life, you get the grey hairs.

Nip that shit in the bud.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen

So what happens when you have the actual big conversation? Have you actually said that you’ll leave him if things don’t improve? Have you said how unhappy you are?

You sound like a passenger in your life.

I think it's because you're assuming all men are like this - they aren't.

My DH does more childcare than me, most of the night wakings with our toddler, cooks every meal and does more housework. We both work full time but DH earns more.

It's not inevitable that men do less. If your DH isn't doing enough you need to tell him it's not on and he needs to shape up. I'd suggest showing him how to do something and then leaving the house or something so he's fully responsible for the kids and the task, no question.

Do you ever lose your temper with him OP? I would be incandescent with rage at such weaponised incompetence.

OP, it is why so many women grow to quietly privately loathe their husband and would rather stick needles in their eyes, rather than have sex.
Of course it is not your fault.
He's a lazy, selfish loser.
Of course he knows EXACTLY what he is doing but he just doesn't give a shit.
Not about you, not about his children, not about your marriage and what his selfishness does to the relationship.

Sorry that is harsh but I believe it to be true.
He's a dud.
Unfortunately despite your best efforts you got one.
The only thing is to insist on him paying a cleaner to help you.
Do absolutely nothing for him.
Sort out contraception so you never get pregnant again.
Do your best to get through these years.
Keep your job at all cost.
Keep family and friends close for when you will need their support.

My dear old friend married one like yours and she just got on with it.
At a wedding two years after their first, she was asked when she was having another? She answered, never! She said he hasn't lifted a finger with our daughter so I wouldn't dream of having another. His mother was shocked, mortified and upset.
She refused to feel guilty.
She had told the truth.
They were done a year later as she just couldn't look at him.
She moved 5 hours away has built a very successful life.
Her daughter is 20 now and he went on to marry again and divorce again, 2 more children.🙄
Just a lazy selfish loser.
They never change.

Realistically, it changes or you will resent him and his laziness. Resentment is very damaging in a relationship.

I resent my husband and it really has impacted how I feel about him. I did all the waking nights because he couldn't/ wouldn't get up. I was always responsible for packing the nappy bags, spare clothes, lunch ect. One day we went out and he put them in the car. We got to where we were going and he asked me where their coats were. It was the middle of f bloody winter. I thought he put their had coats on before getting them in the car.

Anyway, he does a lot more now. Although, I still hold the resentment. I sort of feel like I shouldn't have to lose my shit for him to do his share of I'd say we are 70:30 now instead of 95:5. I was very clear that things needed to change or I'd divorce him and he could do everything on him day's every other weekend. And, I was 100% serious.

Honestly the best way to do is to give complete responsibility for certain things and not be there.

For example, Tuesday morning you go to work really early before anyone else and he is then responsible for getting them to nursery etc.

Then two evenings a week go out, for a walk, to a class, even the supermarket. And he does bedtime all by himself.

He needs to have full responsibility and accountability, whereas at the moment because you are physically there, then you do it. So you need to physically not be there

Vanishes where? Why is he allowto get away with endangering your children? Why are you nit shouting "dh, x is alone in the bath! Where are you?" Then tearing fucking strips off him. Asshole.

usual question from me. So what does he bring to the party?

You delegate a WHOLE job to your DH.

I suggest menu planning (all meals), food shopping inc putting it away and all meal prep & cooking. Don't step in and save him.

Sure check "have you done the packed lunches for tomorrow" but if there is no xyz he goes out.

It took time for my DH to actually cook veg and stuff other than freezer food but he got there.

If he works later than you he'll have to make it the evening before for you to reheat.

I think the reason people get frustrated with this, is because it's true - the majority of women DO feel this way. Why? Because we are conditioned to take this role on, men are conditioned to do fuck all.

It's infuriating, and what happens is what has happened to you (and many other women) where when you have kids, the default is you do everything. The man works, and isn't really involved. But the then the dye is cast, and the your roles have been defined. And it's very hard to change once the kids are a bit older and you want to go back to work or whatever. And because it's so common, women think that this is just the way it is, and there's a resigned acceptance.

I don't think people are frustrated at you personally, just how shit it is that this is bloody default. And how bloody common it is.

Agree! I really need to know how this ends - do they pretend nothing happened? Does he kick off when she says something? I don't understand this situation and how it's a thing.

I started accepting business trips of 1-2 weeks and that put a stop to this shit. Once a dad is a single dad for a week, he then has no excuse of “I didn’t realise packed lunches require bread” and not doing his share when you are back. Once back divide work up evenly and clearly. Like whoever cooks dinner doesn’t do bath and bedtime.

I get it OP. The mental labour of having to direct someone to do tasks and knowing he'll cock it up somehow, either through not giving enough of a shit to do it properly or through deliberate ineptitude so they won't be asked again.

Honestly? I left mine. There were other issues of course, but now I do everything myself and somehow it's easier than not having to rely on someone else who will invariably fuck it up or disappoint me.

“You’re not pulling your weight. From now on you make lunches, take dd1 to school and collect. You do bath time. Making lunches means you have to buy ingredients in advance and have clean lunchboxes. Doing bath time means not leaving the children unattended, at any point.”