I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen
ignore comments like “ This is a you problem not societal“

society (patriarchal) has got us into this sh*t
and now we’re expected to get ourselves (and our daughters) out of it

asking much, no?

unbelievable the amount of (presumably) women on here blaming the OP.

Agree with this. It should be obvious to a parent that a child needs to be dressed in the right clothes and have their lunch, drink, spare clothes with them for preschool.
If you have to.micromanage this to the extent of doing all the thinking for them, it indicates extreme laziness on their part. No one needs training in this. It isn't that difficult.

Here are some harmful of lazy parenting examples shown by my ex
Left 3 year old alone in a youth hostel car park because she wasn't behaving (he walked back to the room without her)
Ignored 2 year asking for breakfast because CBA to get him any (child came to find me to ask why daddy was ignoring him)
Sent child to school in wrong uniform with hair unbrushed.
Never washes their faces before going out
Ignores or shouts if they wake up at night
Won't help them on the toilet
If does bedtime won't let them look at pictures in story book as thinks it keeps them awake longer

Ultimately I could not trust him with the kids. So I left him.

What I would do:

• send him an email (or sit and have a chat if you feel you can get through your bit before he interrupts) explaining how you feel being the default person and what that entails. Say you’d like to have a chat about dividing responsibility for the kids and household more evenly and you’d welcome his thoughts
• he will probably immediately want to kick off. Men often get defensive and embarrassed about it but this comes out as defiance and anger
• suggest you both read/listen to Fair Play or a podcast by Eve Rodsky and ask him what he thinks of it
• use the cards as a guide to sit down and look at who takes on what and the minimum standard of care/responsibility for each task
• if he’s unwilling to engage with it as a conversation, I’d be honest and say to him that it’s killing your relationship, you feel like a solo parent and ask if he’d like to do couples counselling because if things carry on as they are, you will have to separate.

Fair Play is explicit in that it a) isn’t about each person in the couple having an equal number of jobs (there’s plenty of nuance in the uniqueness of each family set up) and b) that’s tasks shouldn’t be shared on the same days and c) that whoever owns a tasks owns the planning and execution. So if he’s in charge of DD1s packed lunches, he’s not just making it, he’s making sure the ingredients have been shopped for in plenty of time and when they’ve run out, he’s noticing what’s she’s eating and what she’s not, he’s making himself familiar with the packed lunch rules at preschool, he’s replacing knackered water bottles, he’s washing up the lunch box at the end of the day. It’s all on him (not just one part of it).

it’s a great book, doesn’t take long to read but it’s really important to read it all. I got my partner to listen to the audiobook. There’s some great male people on Instagram doing good work in pointing out the mental load now too and how they are learning to be better partners and do their fair share

At the end of the day resentment is relationship ending. With dh if I woke and he didn't and it was a rough night or he needed a turn I'd wake him. I'd push him out of the bed if needs be. My friends will often say there's no point because they're awake or they settle the baby better. But he'll never settle the baby better if he never settles the baby. So I'm happy to wake him if it's his turn. I'm not petty, like I'm happy to take the first turn every night and often there's only one wake up. But I'm also comfortable with my limits. Most of the things I've learned about being a SAHM is because I fucked up the first second and third time. So he needs to fuck up sometimes too. He once took one bottle on a day out for them all to share. He won't do that again. The kids were fine, they were pissed off and they whinged but they were fine.

So I work Thursday-Saturday dh works Monday-Friday.

I cook Monday- Thursday
Dh cooks Friday- Sunday

I do pots and laundry Sunday-Wednesday
Dh does it Thursday-Saturday

School runs mostly fall to me.

I do mornings
Dh does bedtime

I do dog walks Monday- Wednesday dh does Thursdays- Saturday and we split Sunday.

If he's doing the stuff as part of his routine he will be more likely to notice what needs doing/pick up the slack.

I think you need to tell him that his immature lazy bullshit is killing your love, and will kill your marriage. And see what happens then. If he doesn't change - and he easily can if he wants to - then you've got your answer.

And yet women almost 100% of the time become 'careful parents' because we have no choice.

But lazy fuckers like this guy get to live like 19 year olds, no responsibility, no deciding to step up; at some point he'll fuck someone else and claim that the OP was too busy with the kids to give him any attention.

It's what I call "Invisible Parenting". Don't let him not do it. Give him the list and he does DD1 and you do DD 2. Then switch the next month. Or quit doing anything for him.

I agree with the PPs who have suggested that you let him do his own cooking, washing etc. if he can't reliably contribute to looking after the children.

The fact you say he is lazy and his life has hardly changed since having children makes me think you ought to leave - just for his sheer lack of respect for you. I'd be embarrassed to have him as a partner.

Sounds similar to my strategy. When I went back to work after DC2, I had over an hour's commute and early starts, so was leaving before the kids were awake, 3 days a week. He HAD to get them fed, dressed and off to nursery. If anything got forgotten, he had to field the phone call and sort it. I also had night shifts and weekends where I'd stay at work, so he had to figure out how to manage them.

No, he didn't do things how I would have. And the house was often a shit tip when I came back from a run of nights. But he managed it because he had to. He was never dumb enough to leave them on their own in the bath though.

Yeah I agree with you op. I've faced the same. A stern conversation led to weaponised incompetence- so he would do the tasks but so shit he knew I would step in. An example was washing bottles, he did such a crap job I could see old milk still in there. When I saw it I ask he redo it and he huffed and called me controlling ott etc. Same with food. Refusing to cut grapes for a toddler calling me ridiculous saying he fed her so why am I still moaning. Or if he did childcare while I wasn't home the house would be such a state when I get back and then he's claiming he's exhausted and needs to chill so I have no choice but to tackle the mess. I swear he intentionally got out all the jigsaws at the same time and encouraged play dough on the carpet. And yet still gives screens excessively

He's not my partner anymore.

Yes I agree with this. H still refutes s out of pants but I refuse to be responsible for another adult. The annoying this is he moans about DS (now 18) but to be honest DS does more than he does!!

You don't trust he will look after the kids properly so give him a list, write it once, he does everything else from now on or he leaves.

You've got enough to do. You probably would have less if he wasn't there.

@Merryoldgoat

Sadly I disagree. I think men doing equal are rare.

They might be generally, but in my group they aren’t. The do school runs, stay home when kids are sick, weekend activities, housework etc.

People tell my I’m lucky. I’m not. I took my time and didn’t rush into having kids and would not have gone near a useless man. I’d sooner not have had children than had them with the wrong man.

I agree.

and if I did have a child with a useless man, I certainly wouldn't have more than one child with him.

Got divorced tbh due to this behaviour and it solved VERY LITTLE

We have 60:40 of their time but haircut, dentist, opticians, school trip letter, music lesson payments, birthday parties, all their mental load, all the time - all me. If I just let it fall to him on his time, it wouldn't happen and they'd miss out. Or course it was tempting to not remind him youngest needed an early start last week for a school day trip but the lesson learned would be at the expense of my son missing out on a trip out with his friends - I couldn't let that happen.

You just can't tell before the baby comes what kind of dad they will be. I told him and told him how his laziness affected me and them but he didn't change. And it's shit. His mum (aged 65ish) still picks up his slack, which is why he gets away with it. He is nice and fun and (she) feeds them well, buys nice clothes for his house and does fun trips but that is it. I told my teenager last week that I would not still be mothering him when he's in his 40s and he laughed; he knew exactly what I meant about his dad but he loves him.

I just hope my boys will not be lax dads and husbands and my daughter won't marry one!

But it makes sense for you to be the first person to ring if you’re only 15 mins away, and he’s 2 hours away.

do you both work full time? I think we need to understand if you both have the same time of free time

You just can't tell before the baby comes what kind of dad they will be.

I’m sorry but I just don’t buy this. I’ve never met anyone whose personally or character has done a complete about face. I’m sure it happens SOMEtimes but not as often as MN would have you believe.

I met my husband when he was 23. Whilst he’s matured and learned from his experiences (as have I) his basic character is unchanged.

I think that the desire to settle down and have a family means many women ignore the red flags. They do all the housework before children, all of the mental load, then are shocked it all falls to them when it always has.

We didn’t have children for 7 years. Very little has cropped up that’s unexpected because it’s hard to hide your true self for that long.

What does he do, OP? Obviously paid work. What other contribution does he make to parenting and running a household?

I honestly don't know how you have any respect or attraction for him tbh. I'd be a constant seething mass of resentment and rage.

Honestly, I think you should LTB, but you're not going to. So perhaps just stop having sex with him, stop cooking for him and doing his laundry.

@merryoldgoat

I changed when we had kids after 6 years - because I had to. He saw no reason to, maybe because I had it covered? Before kids we shared housework and did whatever we wanted. Baby 1 arrived, he took 2 weeks paternity and then continued his life exactly as before. He was good when they were babies, great for cuddles and bath and bed. When they became little people he just left all the organisation and thinking to me.

@sylviesmum

But that’s different. You decided to ignore your husband’s character traits before having children. If he didn’t do anything prior to you having a baby why would you expect him to afterwards? That’s not who he was.

I’m not criticising you - but it’s not surprising is it?

Well it surprised me because I changed! I thought it was blindingly obvious that when you choose to have kids, you'll adjust your way of life 😂

I was a complete twat pre-kids. I mean, I had a professional job and a house but otherwise just a selfish toad. Totally obvious to me that I would have to think about the child once it was born and grew. He clearly thought that mindset only applied to the person who gestated the child 😂

don't hope, teach your boys not to be!

I am trying to teach them! But, just as I assumed the dad would be an equal parent cause mine was, their dad had the exact opposite example. And now they see him doing similar. I can't quite say, I divorced your dad cause he was a useless swine but I am trying very hard to explain appropriately and teach them better