I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

You will need to train him and ask him I think, it sounds like you have done it all for x amount of years and he has just bumbled around oblivious. My OH is a bit oblivious about what needs doing so I will say to him I'm going to do x, can you do y. You also have to agree a minimum standard to whatever it is he is doing and then resist the temptation to re do it or say oh you should have done it like this etc. If he is bathing the kids for example, minimum could be stay in the room with them and wash their hair. If they are in there for more or less time than you would bath them for then it doesn't matter and if he puts them in the wrong pyjamas, it doesn't matter,you have to relinquish some control which is hard when you've been juggling everything and managing it. My grandson went to school the other day and it was the day some of the children went horseriding as a treat. My daughter didn't know it was on that day or didnt see the message so he went to school in his normal clothes and with no wellies. It was pouring with rain, he got wet, his school shoes got muddy but he survived and loved it! It's not the end of the world if something gets forgotten on occasion 😀

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen I don’t have children through choice but I know exactly how my DH would be if we did have children. He would adore them, play with them and love them but I have no doubt I would be the default parent. He wouldn’t remember which day was PE, or that this Saturday was a birthday party, or parents evening was coming up. He would take responsibility for bed time if asked but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t take the initiative. His heart would be in the right place but he’s easily distracted, does not cope well with lack of sleep and I have no doubt I would pick up the slack and might end up feeling resentful. He wouldn’t be lazy though, if asked he would help, if he saw I was struggling he’d take over, we’d talk about it and he would listen to me, it wouldn’t be 50/50 but I’d know that going in. I can predict all this because I know him, I know how he is with caring for pets, interacting with children in our family and how he operates in general. Fortunately it’s not something I need to worry about as it’s not part of our lives.

I think a lot of people are often naive in becoming parents and don’t realise that traits that exist in a person before having babies are likely exacerbated once they become a parents. This isn’t a blanket rule, obviously becoming a parent can be the making of some people but the majority still have whatever shortcomings they had previously, only now they are highlighted, harder to overlook, money is tighter and everyone is tired. This isn’t to say the way your DH is behaving is acceptable but more to consider whether the traits he’s showing have been there all along. I suppose it doesn’t make much difference because you are where you are but understanding if this has always been his true nature might help you understand the situation better.

You say you have friends in a similar position and that’s really sad and definitely no excuse for your DH’s behaviour as like others have said there are plenty of dads who do far more than their fair share.

I don’t know what the solution is, you are correct that you shouldn’t have to explain or give instructions and your children shouldn’t have to suffer for you to prove a point. So what are you left with? If you continue as you are you either build resentment and damage your relationship or you accept the situation for what it is and make peace with it. The alternative is to speak to him about it.

As you mentioned you’ve spoken to him before and it’s made no difference I would suggest marriage counselling. He would hopefully be more inclined to listen and take on board what you are saying and hopefully make changes to improve the situation.

So is the problem that in the past he's not done it the way you trust/like so you've always taken over and he now knows you will step in? Tell him bathing the kids means staying with them getting them out and dressed, if that's what you feel you need to say or tell him while your bathing the kids I'm popping out X slips over so stay in the bathroom.

Sounds like he's checked out of being a dad and husband

I wasn't clear if you meant he said he'd bath them but then wander off or if he wandered off once he'd got them in the bath. If it's the latter you need to go nuclear. With the pack lunch and nursery thing you are catastrophising that asking him to do this will end up with your DC getting kicked out of nursery. I think that's why people are getting cross with you. You tell him he is doing it and that means thinking about what food you've got. After a month if he has repeatedly fucked it up you take over again and tell him to take his sorry lazy ass out of your house. You then find a solicitor and divorce him.

If he genuinely would let his children be hungry/neglected/in danger (left alone in the bath), then I can't see a solution beyond ending the marriage. How could you stay with him if he cares so little about his children?

If he is just lazy and waits around for you to do everything but would step up if necessary, then I'd take a different tack. I would sit down with him and together write in detail every single thing that has to be done on a daily basis. Divide the tasks equally. If he refuses to participate, that would show clearly his priorities. And I would end the marriage.

He works 2 hours from your child's nursery? So he does a 4-hour roundtrip commute every day? Or is that just an occasional occurrence?

Unfortunately I know a parent who is so careless they wouldn't think about leaving a child in the bath because they get distracted by their own thoughts e.g wanting to just do something quickly on the computer. It's stupid and dangerous and I don't know how my friend puts up with it!

I'm really sorry for you OP.

It's definitely not your fault. Your husband does sound SPECTACULARLY crap though - to the point of negligence, if you think he really might leave little children unattended in the bath.

This is bloody exhausting for you.

It honestly could be less stress if you were a single parent. At least then you wouldn't have the resentment that you most feel (I bloody would too).

How will you ever leave the DC for a weekend, travel for work, have a bit of independence outside of family life?

This just sounds so sad. I don't know how you'd find him attractive in any way. This would just drag me down. 😢😢😢

Was he competent in any way before kids?

Well you need to tell him - you are doing bedtime tonight. You cannot wander off because one of them could die. If you can’t listen to that then leave right now because I’m not living with someone who openly neglects our children.

There’s no point you both sitting in bathroom while they have a bath? Take turns. Today you do it DH then make yourself unavailable. Take turns each week to be in charge of food shopping. Personally I don’t have an issue running the house badly as my DH works ridiculous hours. You need to divide it up as to what is fair for your circumstances.

I can’t stand men like this, they’re a waste of fucking space.

Today ive made the kids breakfast, taken one to an activity, done some DIY, cleaned a bathroom, done a fair bit of general washing up, and cooked dinner for myself and two kids as my wife was going out tonight. None of that is remotely unusual or needs a song and dance made about it, it’s just normal life in a family with young kids.

Guys who apparently can’t be trusted to look after their own children, or can’t open a few cupboards to check what needs buying really shouldn’t be given the opportunity to reproduce!

Wow your husband is useless

Have you had a conversation about the division of labour?

What is his job? Does his boss micromanage or is he more than capable managing himself? I am betting is just sees the slog of parenting the children as something you will do so why should he bother? You certainly aren't making him do it.

You have been given lots of solutions on here and you are still fighting every suggestion. If you were hospitalised tomorrow he would have to step up and do it all so start delegating now so that you off load some responsibility to him to parent his own children. It isn't rocket science or surgery you are asking him to do. If you bite the bullet now you won't be carrying this load forever, instead you could have a partner.

Contempt is a marriage killer.

Once I decided not to get DS’s bag ready for nursery and told DH just as he was walking out the door with him, cue a mad stress to get it sorted. Afterwards he dared to say to me ‘we need to be more organised, we can’t not have his bag ready’ - to which I asked whether it had ever not been ready in three years, and whether during those three years he had ever got it sorted himself. He conceded the ping and it’s been 50/50 ever since then with that. We regularly discuss the whole default parent thing but I feel like my DH only properly realises it when the point is demonstrated right in front of him

Well you're right that you're stuck with being the default parent. He's got used to how it is and his expectations are set, or he can see that things are not equal and he doesn't care, or is too lazy to make any changes. This is not going to sort itself on its own. And whatever you do now it's not going to be sorted overnight.

But you have choices. Accept it as it is or do something about it. What are the tasks that he will find simplest to do (as a first step)? Make dinner 3 nights a week while you make packed lunches and sort the dc clothes and bags for the next day? Or make the pack lunches while you do the bath - so at least you're not resentful.

I do feel you're making excuses why you can't do any of the things that other posters have suggested. You seem to have it firmly in your mind that your dc will be 'harmed' if you leave things to your dh. While you hold on to that you're not going to find it easy to let go and let him muddle his own way through.

As a starting point @Thisiswhathappenedwhen have a full conversation and explain that he needs to step up a bit and share tasks in the mornings.

If he "can't remember" to do basic things, you could try an app like Tody. It is mostly for keeping on top of the housework, but you can create a new "area" for each child and customise a list of all the tasks that need to be done (breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, comb hair, get dressed, make lunch, water bottle, book bag, spare clothes, wellies...),. Synch it with your partner so you can both see what needs to be done or you can assign tasks so that it comes up as a list on his phone that he can tick off and he can see what needs doing without you having to tell him or him having ask. You can set it up so that once you have done the task, the next time it will be his turn so you can alternate each child.

I would ask him to run the bath .Be out of the way doing sandwiches .Next week do it differently.Makes it harder in the long run for him to get away with it.I disagree with men not noticing Im afraid .

Leaving this here: https://www.fairplaylife.com
Might be useful to spark ideas for approaches and conversations.there is even a card game!

I hate these threads because the gist is usually you’re a martyr or you need to train your dh. You’re up to your tonsils with work, childcare and mental load, and should take on the training and management of an unwilling apprentice on top of all that. Or else accept that you’re a martyr and accept your MN bashing 🙄

It’s such a frustrating situation OP and absolutely poisonous to marriage in the long run because the resentment will sour everything. There’s nothing that will seal your fanny shut faster than a man who can’t be bloody trusted with his own dc.

If it hasn’t been mentioned yet, check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (the card game is a clever visual kick up the arse - particularly if your dh agrees in principle to the concept of equality ) and Google “Sam Kelly Notice and Do” (she’s more about getting kids helping but her concept about shifting the mental load is important for DH’s too). Yes, I’m essentially advising training him, but at least these two have done some of the thinking for you.

@shmivorytower crosspost 🙂

OP, If he's not able to parent, he needs to go on a parenting course to learn. Being a dad isn't just about having kids - you need to actually raise them. A woman would be expected to do this as an incompetent mum, so should the man/incompetent dad.

Yeah this

Yes I had one of these.

I did stuff like:

We split the cooking at the weekend. I did two meals he did two meals. His meals were usually late - sometimes up to 4 hours late which is not ideal with children - and often crap.

I did nag him for a while but honestly it just made our relationship worse.

We agreed he didn't have time to clean and so he paid for a cleaner,

Honestly anything I did to try to get him to do anything at all he just really resented and would make us pay.

So I split off his tasks and our tasks and didn't do his tasks. I didn't do his laundry etc.

But it didn't help because he fundamentally objected to doing anything around the house.

Despite the fact we both worked and he was the one who had been desperate for kids and to have a family.

So much easier being a single parent than an adult child to have to deal with too.

Sorry OP. I feel for you.

Sorry also to add something less unhelpful. It sounds like you just want to vent, which is completely fine. I guess other people are finding that frustrating because the situation is clearly so far from ideal. I get what you're saying that it's not going to change without you taking on the extra work of making change happen. But given the nature of the problem (i.e. your DH'S laziness), that's just a fact. Other than taking on that work, it seems like your only options for making it clear to your children that this is not an acceptable way for a man to behave are to threaten to LTB, or actually just do it.