I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

What a useless excuse for a man, husband and father... I despair reading about these wastes of space.
Op, leave him. You'll still be doing everything but less resentful.

A slightly older third child would be more helpful than he is being. It is pure, unadulterated weaponised incompetence.

Your life would be easier without him, to be frank, if this is how things are going to remain.

Your husband sounds like a horrible excuse of a husband and a neglectful parent. If my DH would let my child go hungry and dirty, and would leave them in the bath to drown, then I'd be leaving the neglectful incompetent twit. Why would you stay with someone who is stupid enough to leave his own kids to potentially drown in the bath and forget they are in there?

He's a terrible parent.

If you weren't there he would HAVE to do it. It's weaponised incompetence.

I don't think people are saying it's your fault but that you need to make him want to change.

Don't you interact outside child-related issues? Every time you are with him you need to bring it up and make it his problem. When he's trying to enjoy his gaming, talk about how this needs sorting instead. When he wants sex, talk about how this needs sorting instead. Right now, he doesn't have a problem. Life is good. You need to make it a problem that he wants to fix.

OP - maybe get him to read this thread? Talking to him about the issues clearly isn’t getting through, maybe he’ll take it more on board if he read about these issues/his failings.

Vanishes to where?
Why?
Is he stupid? Does he not realise the danger?

Then withdraw labour from him - you don't have time

Stop doing anything that is for his benefit. Be it shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, any mental load that is about him

Then tell him why

He's a fully grown adult male. Is he this inept at work?

So how does he function at work?

I'd stop making excuses for him

I'd either leave him or kick him out.

And he can explain to everyone exactly why

Whole heatedly agree. My dh is the most disorganized person on the planet. He also barely eats. So it never occurs to him to think about food in advance. Or packing a bag with waterproofs. They aren't his strength. But we are a partnership. So he does other things like bedtime/bath time/crazy games with lots of heavy lifting. And DH changes the alternator in the car, floors the loft, builds a log cabin. All things I equally can't do.
I get frustrated sometimes. But then I watch him under the car in winter changing the oil in the car and remember, we have different strengths.

I have found the trick is to get the kids involved. Let them lead... so set DD up with a picture list of all the things she needs to have by the door - preschool implies 3yrs old? so I am thinking she is old enough to find her coat, shoes etc. Then you ask Her to get her things ready - get daddy to help you... That builds the independance in them too.

Lunchbox is harder for smalls but can you do a picture again and get her to get the crisps, fruit etc out if you do the sandwich. It will add to the time initially but it will pay off in the medium term.

In terms of he bath I would be explicit with him - "can you do bath and yes that means you have to stay in the room" If you see hes not there call him back, tell him again its dangerous to leave a baby in the bath alone etc.

I know what you are saying - I have teens and the challenges are the same but different. Training the kids has definately helped.

I’m in the process of leaving a marriage where I have done everything & turned myself inside out to put my child first, have a clean home and healthy food on the table, tried to get STBXH to step up, made my peace with him doing things badly or not at all, had counselling, saw next to no improvement. We had other issues too but this was a big one. BUT to everyone saying LTB it doesn’t feel like it’s definitely the answer. He’s now pretending to be dad of the year. And going forward it looks like I’ll still be doing most of everything & he will be a nightmare & neglectful coparent. BUT at least I won’t have to do anything for him any more. And I hope to resent him less and be freer in my own mind on the other side of this. I wouldn’t have left if it was just this & I am v worried about the impact on my child, but it was certainly a big factor.

Was he like this before you had kids or did everything fall to you then as well?

Some men seem to manage to function very well in the workplace and then manage a level of incompetence they would tolerate at work at home .

my husband is normally a competent grownup when it comes to the children but has form for pushing his luck a bit but I just don’t tolerate it at all. For the early years I commuted and we had to share pick up and drop-offs and was actually often better at getting the kids out of the door in time than I was.

We did however have many discussions about hair as he tried to get me to do it by default as I was a woman so naturally better at hair for girls. I refused to be the only one that could do hair and he can now do a passable ballet bun for their classes. He’ll probably never manage plaits but he is at least vaguely competent whereas If i’d pandered to it, it would have always been me.

At some point unless you’ve both got annual leave coming out of your ears he’ll need to be looking after the children in the school holidays on his own without being useless.

Absolutely with you on this!

There is so much my other half brings to the family that I can’t bring. It’s just the actual mental load of running a family is not one of them, which is extremely hard and frustrating in the early days isn’t it.

He’s reasonable at doing things if directed and is certainly very hard working / not lazy with things that need doing.

I suppose every family looks different and the balance might not reflect other families. But I do understand that when one person finds it difficult, that’s when a change needs to happen somewhere.

So basically train her toddlers/small children and let them teach her DH? Maybe she should get him a star chart and some Well Done stickers for every day he doesn't drown a toddler.

The bar is so low for men.

Sorry..perhaps I misunderstood..your partner travels two hours each way to work?

Did he know how to run a house before you got together or has he always been useless?

How can you be attracted to someone like that? Or have more than one child with him knowing what an utterly shit father he is?

If he would genuinely allow your children to starve or drown in the bath then you have bigger problems.

The other option is the children suffer. Yes she could leave it for him to do, but if he doesn't care or place value on certain things then likely the children's reading wouldn't be done, their lunch would be unhealthy and wellies etc would be forgotten for school.

If you don’t trust him to make a ham sandwich for a lunchbox or safely bath 2 kids then why are you with him? I couldn’t love or be with someone so feckless and incompetent. Clearly he is capable of driving, holding down a job, so he can think and plan ahead he just chooses not to engage with his family. Honestly LTB he is a disgrace

Where’s your anger? That’s what you need to find, IMO.

Unfortunately, this is another area where misogyny/sexism are getting in your way - women are socialised not to get angry, to try and placate, appease, communicate - none of which works with a selfish, useless tosser like your DH appears to be atm.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be such a shit parent and partner. How crap that he doesn’t care about your or his kids enough to pull his weight. And I totally take your point about not wanting to just leave him to it because your DC will suffer.

He’s doing this because he’s getting away with it; because he can.

So maybe you need to make his life uncomfortable enough that he realises he can’t. Stop playing nice. Start being as angry as the situation warrants (pretty damn angry). Don’t fall into the role of the nice wifey; be angry. Let him know you’re angry. Don’t back down. This is on him, only he can change his behaviour but he won’t if you don’t change yours.

Obvs I’m not talking about screaming rows in front of your DC. But you need to make your displeasure very clearly seen and felt, one way or another. Let him know just how appalled you are by his lack of interest in stepping up, how disappointed you are, how let down you feel, and how much he is hurting you - the person he’s supposed to love - by not doing his share.

You will probably find this very hard to do. It will take some perseverance. You can’t just give him a rocket and then slip back into being nice, compliant wifey. You have to let him know this is not good enough and you have to mean it. And no more nice, loving wife for him until he gets his act together.

Hopefully if you can find it within yourself to do that, it will give him the jolt he needs. If it doesn’t, then you really have to think seriously about whether you want to stay in this relationship, let your DDs see you modelling this.

Good luck.

But you've been passive so he's going to expect to get away with it I'd tell him I'm exhausted and need him to step up and do things properly like supervise baths and get kids ready for bed, I need you to cook dinner to do the shopping or whatever.
Why wasn't he doing stuff from day one?

I could not be attracted to a man like this. I'm genuinely worried how he manages to hold down a job.

It looks like there are a couple of alternatives here.

Either decide that you're going to do all child related things because you can't trust him. Leave him to do things that you're not anxious about like make dinner in exchange. Make sure it's formally agreed. Get him to take on part of the mental load that way. Some people have already suggested this.

Or explain to him what you want him to do and get him to do it. Requires teaching and reminding but he might get there. Lots of people have suggested this.

The problem with the first is that it seems to me you're fed up with the morning routine anyway so you're feeling resentful about it. That makes it harder work for you, so even if he does pick up things you'll still feel you're doing more. The problem with the second is that it sounds as though you have mismatched expectations about domestic duties... for example the way to do a child's hair or when the kitchen needs tidying.

You might need to do some more talking and have several chats about this, because I suspect that he might say, if asked, that he doesn't do stuff because he knows he won't do it to your satisfaction. If you're bathing the children he wanders off because he doesn't see it needs two of you (whereas you want him there because two children need to be got out of the bath), for example.

Is there anything he's good at, in your opinion? It can be really wearing to feel you're not good at looking after your own children and if men are lazy they can naturally use this as an excuse to stop doing stuff.

I think the problem is not that he's "naturally lazy" or "incompetent " it's that you feel alone in looking after the children and alone in seeing what their needs are, and you two need to reconnect and talk about that before anything is going to change.