I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

I agree. Of what value is he to you then if he can't do the basics? Why exactly are you still married to him then - What are the actual reasons, OP?

I’m not ranting, I’m totally calm, I promise!

Thanks to those who get it. I’m posting as it crossed my mind … one of my colleagues is pregnant and it’s interesting how she thinks it will be as that’s how I thought it would be for me / us, and it hasn’t been at all.

Obviously I’d still have my children but if you’d asked me four years ago if I thought I’d be doing so much while DH does so little if I’m honest … the answer would be no.

its easy to say I have to make him do XYZ but if he won’t or can’t or does but does a crap job and the children are hungry or whatever then that’s hard to do to them in the name of making a point.

If you’ve had a proper conversation and he ignores you and makes no changes then you have two choices:

You stay and put up with it, or leave him.

DH and I have disagreements etc. but we care about what the other thinks/feels/says.

If you’ve had the ‘big chat’ and nothing’s changed he shows he’s not interested in sharing the load and being a true partner.

That’s no basis for a marriage.

Indeed and he shouldn't be allowed near them anymore even. Putting them in danger for what reason? Is he a child?

Weaponised incompetence.

So try tonight. Your kids are young. It's bedtime soon.

What is his job tonight?

Sorry - but it is your fault. Why on earth would she turn up in dirty clothes, unbrushed teeth, no lunch etc? You are just assuming these things will happen. As I said, initially leave him notes, train him and stop being the fucking martyr

one of my colleagues is pregnant and it’s interesting how she thinks it will be as that’s how I thought it would be for me / us, and it hasn’t been at all.

I was your colleague and I was entirely correct. Everything I saw/knew about my DH before kids told me he’d be a proper equal partner. He’s entirely unremarkable among my group of friends.

There are plenty of men like him. Don’t settle for this shit.

The thinking is part of it though isn't it? He needs to learn to think

If you can’t talk to him, or talking to him makes no difference, you need to make sure the consequences of his actions fall on him, not on the kids or on you.

Make a list of everything you’re doing. Tell him you can’t do all this anymore. Either he can choose what he wants to contribute to the household, or you’ll decide which ones you drop.

Then… don’t wash his clothes, you eat with the kids and don’t cook for him, don’t wash up any pots and pans, don’t top up his stuff when it runs out (I bet you carry the mental load of working out when his shower gel/deodorant runs out), don’t buy birthday cards or presents for his family, don’t mark stuff up on the family calendar.

It’s a miserable way to live but either he’ll notice and shape up quickly, or he won’t and you can decide whether you want to go back to doing it all, live like this forever, or leave him.

I know this another post with stuff you need to do. But the thing is, you’re the one who wants things to change. He doesn’t care. He likes it how it is. It works well for him and he doesn’t care that can’t even trust him to watch his own children in the bath. He doesn’t care that you think he’s useless and lazy and selfish. He doesn’t respect your time or the effort and skills you put into the home. He should change, but there’s not a huge incentive for him to at the moment.

OK, if you really want to try to fix your DH situation, I would invite him to join you in a formal meeting.
Have a list of all the child related tasks eg
Bath time
Making packed lunches
Giving children breakfast
Getting them dressed

Ask him if he feels capable of doing any of those tasks and divvy them up - whether that's alternating days or one of you doing mornings and one doing evenings.

Agree together, in writing, what each of those tasks requires:
Bath time - run bath, get towels ready and in bathroom, get children undressed and put their clothes in the laundry basket, check water temperature, put children in bath, sit next to the bath, awake and conscious and supervise, wash children, get them out after no more than 30 minutes. Do not leave the bathroom without both children.

Make lunch - ensure there is bread and fruit, clean lunch box, pack lunch box with x, y, z items, cut grapes, clean water bottle, fill with water etc etc

Ask him if he needs extra support in the first couple of weeks, shadow him at first and then gradually hand over the task.
Basically treat him like a teenage au pair you are training to work independently.

Yes, it's ridiculous and you shouldn't have to - but if he's genuinely so lazy and negligent that he's currently unsafe I can't see any way round it.

Your OH won't ever step up whilst you are purely because he knows you will. You need to make a very clear 'your role / my roles' list and then STEP AWAY FROM HIS ROLES. It will be painful at first but eventually it will click. Soif doesn't remember to get bread in for lunches or forgets to make them, when he drops dc off to pre-school he'll either need to make arrangements for dc to eat there & explain why or go to the shop on his way and get something. Make it clear no lunch isn't an option but otherwise leave him to be late for work, muddle something together until he gets his shit together and realises writing on the shopping list makes more sense. I would be telling pre-school that he is main contact on the days he drops off so anything missing, lost etc they can report to him.

And honestly, not having wellies one day really isnt the end of the world and if dc does have a meltdown over it, make sure DH is the one dealing with it not you!

But please, op, if you give him roles then don't micromanage or get cross when he doesn't do it in exactly the same way you do. DH and I swapped for a year and this was the hardest part, but honestly the only way.

I am now scratching my head trying to work out why I’m the one being sworn at and insulted!

You give him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday to sort the lunches. If he doesn't thats fine, he will get a call from preschool and have to leave work to sort it and drop it off.

It's the exact same as if you forgot it. You child isn't going to go hungry or be harmed.

I think you need to go away for a week and let him work it all out. Don't sort anything- leave the normal amount of laundry and don't meal prep. He can learn to sort the boring stuff himself if he's an adult.

If he really can't be trusted safety wise then I'd leave him as he obviously doesn't care enough.

All men are not like this. Mine has ADHD but still manages to take control when needed. Obviously in day to day life we have our separate jobs but if I went away for a month tomorrow there wouldn't be any issues.

So "D"h inflicts child neglect if you aren't there?

Id be divorcing him for being the way he is.

@lechatnoir it’s not that. Preschool will ring, dh works 2 hours away, I work 15 mins away, so it falls on me again.

With the lunch example, you are right, it is also about the mental load, shopping etc.
With DH what worked was making him in charge of things. So for ex if he is in charge of lunches one week it includes the food shop, planning, making the actual lunches and tidying up, emptying the box at the end of the day and washing it.
Other example, my DH is responsible for DC’s football club : paying for classes, taking them (or asking me to, but by default I assume it is being taken care of), buying kit, (incl. noticing when shoes are too small) cleaning kit, remembering to take a snack and water bottle, answering emails from the coach etc.
It really works IF you accept that things won’t necessarily be done your way - and actually you should not check how he goes on, the same way as you wouldn’t like him checking how you do
things.

Quite honestly I would leave him for a week to parent alone. If he didn't get it then I wouldn't stay. It would literally give me complete ick.

Errr this. No point in being a martyr and then moaning. Just set your stall out. I was super careful during maternity leave and l think that’s the key. Don’t let them get complacent and lazy. Or they get that into that habit. Make them think and be engaged. Or don’t then don’t moan

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen

You’re making excuses and you know it.

I work 15 mins from school so I collect if necessary. That’s just practicality. It doesn’t mean he’s not pulling his weight elsewhere.

We share sick days, lunches, bath time, bed time. Give each other lie ins etc.

Ok not read the thread. But I am from the future. Mine are teenagers. I did all the default parent stuff when they were small and DH picked everything else up.

So now they are grown, I don’t need to do that shit. DH still does all the cooking, laundry, diy, garden stuff, car stuff. We both work at 70% and I paid into my pension all those years.

it’s not forever. It is for a long time. But you could load him up with all the other stuff and he keeps it forever

Just don’t answer when they call then they will ring him

Assuming you can trust him to drive them around safely!!

Does your husband do anything at all except provide an income?

I know this another post with stuff you need to do.

If anything, it's not something for her to do. It actually is something for her to stop doing. It should give her less to do so she focuses on herself and kids.

I agree with the rest of the post BTW.

You’re making excuses and you know it.

I genuinely don’t believe I am, and also can I just say I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, I had children, I’ve looked after them, I’ve got up in the night with them, I’ve tended to them, I’ve taken them to have their immunisations and their GP appointments and taken them to hobbies and made sure they are clean and fed well and wear clean clothes .., and somehow I am the bad guy on here, making excuses, being a martyr, being sworn at, being insulted

Its a bit weird.

If I leave DH to it all I’m doing is making more work for myself in both the short and the long term, as well as harming the children. He IS lazy. I don’t believe he’s a bad terrible person but his life has gone on mostly unchanged, mine, well, it hasn’t.