I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

He does but it’s all directed. You can never just leave him and he’ll think oh the kitchen is a tip, I’ll clean it.

It is NOT your fault OP.

You want the best for your children, so you make sure it is done properly,

It’s ok saying to OP “you need to train him to do X, Y and Z” but doesn’t OP have enough to do raising her children and now everyone is expecting an additional person?! Why is the woman always blamed or given extra work?

And it’s the thinking! It’s all well and good saying “you make lunch and I’ll do bath time” but if he doesn’t actually think or notice things like having no bread left for example, what choice does she have but to do it or have her DH send her kids without?

You talk to him. Tell hi. He'll be responsible for x, y and z. My oh was a bit shit with dc1 and I kept on at him until he started doing certain things, shouldn't have had to but I did and he is good with the children now! If you do everything and keep quiet of course they will let you do it all (as shitty as that is!) X

You are right, it is hard and you have all my sympathy. Start by going out at weekends so he HAS to be the default parent and make decisions about their care. If he’s never had to be a careful dad he won’t just magically become one. you deserve a break! Xx

He wouldn’t answer. So eventually they withdraw DDs place because she’s constantly turning up without the necessary equipment, the. What do we do? Or she has soaking wet feet and is cold all day?

See what I mean?

If he’s seriously that bad I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Thanks for saying this. I don’t think it is my fault either. It’s probably true I should have been more forceful in the early days but I had no way of knowing just how lazy he’d get!

"Go and ask daddy to help you with xyz while I am doing this"
"Dh please could you brush her teeth while I pack the bag"
"Dh please could you sort out bathtime while I clear up dinner"

It doesn't have to be a massive discussion, just an insidious transfer of responsibilities. After a while you should be able to stop asking 😉

You really do sound like a martyr. You're not focusing on the ideas some pp are giving you but on the "Woe is me" feeling that some posts have given you while not wanting to do anything about things. Perhaps you made this post to vent and not for solutions. Perhaps you wanted us to just say "Men! That's what they're like" like you've accepted all your friend's dh/dp are like (interesting group of friends btw).

You need do either do something about this problem you have (your dh) or not.

I think a lot of women feel like the op does

Holly, it’s because they all create a lot more work for me and - no. That’s not what I need or to be perfectly honest can cope with. As it says in the OP once you start it you’re stuck with it, because if you don’t do the things you’ve always done to make a point it isn’t DH who will be affected, it’s the children.

Write lists together. Sit down and go through the jobs together and what each actually involves. Then ask him which days he wants to do which jobs.

I think so as well, which is why I’m surprised I’ve had abuse hurled at me for voicing it 😂

You need to make it clear that you’re expecting the labour to be divided up equally. If my husband was like this I don’t think we’d stay together. Not saying yours is wrong but I just expect ours to be equal.

What would happen, @Thisiswhathappenedwhen , if you were to say to him that he had to do a task and that there would be no option for you to pick up the slack? Eg, if it were to genuinely be his responsibility to prepare a lunch box, and he knew that without him doing it, his children would go hungry.

Would he try? If it's a case of him not having skills or knowledge, these can be learned. He can choose to learn about the planning that goes into it - I'm guessing he's been able to learn how to do far more complicated things than plan, make and pack a lunch box.

Or would he not bother or half-ass it deliberately to avoid the responsibility? In which case, there's little scope for remediation.

One way to find out could be to involve pre-school in his 'training'. Get him to do some drop-offs and have the pre-school aware that on those days, he is the 'default' first point of contact for any issues with food, clothing, hygiene, etc. If you know the staff well enough, you could explain to them that it's his first time doing things like getting clothing ready and making lunch boxes, so if there are any issues, eg no lunch, do they have ways to help, like sandwiches or spare wellies available?

Even if he completely fails to make a packed lunch or to take wellies or brush her teeth, it won't be a disaster. She won't be the first child to experience those, nor would she be the last. No decent pre-school will leave a child hungry, some will have spare toothbrushes/toothpaste for toothbrushing after meals there, and spare wellies are pretty common.

And it's additional labour/responsibility, the op having to list and outline all the stuff that needs to happen

How comes her DH doesn't know and realise all this??

Weaponised incompetence

But OP doesn't want to do this. She's worried her children will be neglected by their father, her dh so she has to do it all while hating that she has to do it all. So I don't know where it leaves us.

OP, condolences I guess. There nothing else to say since everything requires you to do something. You can bring your dh here and we'll tear him a new one and tell him what he should do...but that also requires you to do something first (bringing him here). So...

That’s why you have to focus it on the things that only affect him. No washing his clothes, no making his tea, no topping up his stuff when it runs low.

It’s not your fault, but if he hasn’t worked out by now that he’s a negligent parent and an uncaring husband, he’s not going to do so by himself any time soon. That’s why, even though it’s not your fault, you need to do something if you want it to change. It’ll be (relatively) short-term pain for long-term gain. Or you just carry on like this until you blow up and leave him, or until you’re 65 and wonder why you spent your life like this.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen
have you spoken to him about it? Maybe speaking about this with him you might be able to come up with a plan to sort this?

Your alternative is LTB or accept this will never change and resentment will grow.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen if you sat him down and said the inequality in our marriage/parenting duties does at times make me consider leaving you if things don’t improve… what would he say?

if you explain that leaving them unattended in the bath is neglect and something social services would be involved in with some families and he’d have to attend a parenting class - would he be shocked?

its either a lifetime of this - another 15-18 years of you being the one that plans and organised everything with seething growing resentment and then being left alone with him in the house when they fly the nest… or things need nipping in the bud now and he has to bit by bit step up.

Is he a whizz everywhere else with domestic duties, bill paying, holiday organising, birthdays and Christmas plans or does that tend to fall more and more to you as well.

As the kids start school and have term
times and unexpected illnesses- who’s the one that will always have there job impacted sorting things out and taking more and more time off?

have a family meeting and set some boundaries. Or welcome to what the rest of your life will look like. ❤️

I'd imagine he's always been this way (lazy) before children.

What was his housekeeping/feeding himself like when you first met ?

I don’t think I could be with a person who is this incompetent and, by the sounds of it, stupid. I honestly don’t know any man or woman like this.

How can you be with a man who you don’t trust with his own children? If you went away for a week, do you think social services would be called? Not only could I not be with someone like this, I also couldn’t bring my children up with this as a role model. They will grow up thinking this is normal. I don’t often advocate LTB, but I don’t see how you have a choice here.

Also, if he isn’t stupid, then he is manipulating you by making you do all the work. Either way he is showing no respect to you or your children.

It's not your fault, but you can instigate change. Yes it might require giving him direction the first few times but surely after he has done the routine once or twice you can just say "your turn to bath the kids"? As in before the get into the bath!

People are trying to make suggestions that will in the long run instigate change for you and are constantly being met with "yes, but" in response.

So really you've got 3 options.... listen to what people have said to try implement changes, leave him, or else suck it up and continue as you are!

Okay just do what you and the kids need and don't do anything else including what he needs. He's the only one who'll be affected unless you're saying something more...Is he going to kick off if you don't cater to him too?

Bloody hell op, it seems you have married a total idiot. I'm surprised he's able to hold down a job.

Not sure what I'd do in your situation. The man who is meant to love you isn't a decent one (as I doubt he is actually as stupid as you describe.) For that you have my sympathy.

Are you able to find this man attractive?