I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

[Thisiswhathappenedwhen]

Harmony is probably a bit strong but if I take yesterday as an example.

DD1 is off to preschool so it falls on me to get her breakfast, clean her teeth, get her dressed. Make her a packed lunch; leave waterproofs, wellies, bag with spare clothes and water bottle by the front door. If I don’t do those things DD misses out. So I sort of have to.

I then take Dd2 to nursery and go to work myself. End of the day, pick Dd1 up, go to colllect DD2, make dinner, then it’s bath time, DH wanders off somewhere while the girls are in the bath, so I have to supervise. Then I get them out, reading stories, DH finally turns up, takes Dd2 so I can finish reading with Dd1.

But what else can I do? I can’t not send DD1 to preschool with no lunch or not give her breakfast or not clean her teeth. So once you’re the default parent AIBU to think you’re sort of stuck with it?

talk to dh.
he is a parent too.

Of course it's possible. But you can't do it just by dropping everything all of a sudden (well you can, but that's more likely to cause problems). Communication of expectations is important.

DH has had to step up in our family, as I've increased to working FT and he has dropped his hours. It's taken time and some wobbles, but he's better at things now than I thought he would be!

Yes you're right which is why so many men get away with it... because women don't want their children to be let down.

Well you are in a relationship so presumably you communicate and voice what you need from him.

I would sit him down and have a very serious conversation. Write a clear list of every single thing you do for you children in a day. Show it to him and tell him to pick half the tasks. Explain to him if he doesn’t do them it is not you who loses out but your daughters. Ask him if when his daughters are older he would be happy for them to do all those chores with no help from their spouses or would he feel upset/annoyed on their behalf. He is an adult, he is equally capable of being a parent as you. It’s frankly embarrassing when grown men can’t parent their own children, learnt incompetence

You are default because he’s lazy.

Even if dh leaves before the children get up, he can still make a lunch for the next day or supervise bath time.

It’s unclear when h gets home but he can’t just wander off and not do the bedtime routine.

I’ve definitely tried to speak to him about it but we don’t get anywhere and there comes a point where it’s another thing to do and is just easier to do yourself. Very frustrating though, not least because I had lofty ideals of equality when pregnant for the first time.

I would also not let childcare settings make you the default parent, make sure they have his number, ask them to call him first

You need to give DH precise instructions.
You bath the kids, I'm making packed lunch.
You put DC2 to bed, I'm reading a story.
Next night swap jobs.

If.you let him away with it he will.

In my experience, men just don't notice to something. It's not usually intentional in my experience.

This is the thing isn’t it … it isn’t just ‘make DDs lunch’.

I'm the one thinking ‘do we have bread / ham / bananas / crisps’ the day before, then knowing where the lunch box is then making it.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen it’s like children though, it’s easier to give them their own way in the short term but you are storing up problems for the future. He will become less competent, you will become more resentful. If you continue to make him do it it will eventually become second nature, it’s worth it

If it’s easier to DO by yourself, would it also be easier to BE by yourself?

What does he do if you go "right, your turn to do baths and bedtime"?

You've made a rod for your own back by enabling this nonsense

I’d stop doing anything that was specifically for my DH on the basis I was already responsible for me and two other people. So none of his washing, shopping, cooking etc. He has zero incentive to change while you pick up the slack for everything.

You've just got to start taking turns and stop accepting him "wandering off".

You can’t drop everything but you should say DH you need to help
then you essentially train and allow small natural consequences

“dh please get DDs bag ready for tomorrow she needs x y and z”
In the morning “dh have you got x y and z?”
okay you take Dd to school - don’t prompt on coat shoes etc let them get about 50m up the road and call “DH you forgot the bag… come back and get it”
it’s annoying for him and eventually he starts remembering

”Can you pack DDs lunch she needs a b and c and it should be like this.”
Once done check it.
do not fix it…
TELL him what’s wrong and watch him correct do not do it for him.
let him be annoyed and explain it’s annoying for you too and he needs to learn to do it. So if he does it right need time you don’t have to have this conversation again.,,

I thought this thread was going to be about eg "my child comes to me for a cuddle when she's sad more than to her dad" where I agree trying to enforce 50-50 is hard on the child. What you're describing is just a shit lazy husband. There's absolutely no reason he can't do this stuff including the shopping and planning. Would he really let her go with no lunch? How awful.

But he can go the shop if there is no bread. Start small. He can do this if you make him. You are making excuses.

Well if he's that unhelpful the best thing you can do is role model standards to your daughters and leave, the biggest risk of being with a waste of space like that is it normalises it for the children and the cycle continues. I appreciate it's not as simple as that as I know doing things on your own as a single parent is different to doing things on your own in a relationship, but I genuinely think it's harmful for children to grow up in houses like that.

He’d say yes sure. But then often vanishes and I can’t just leave the kids in the bath, apart from not being safe I also can’t leave them there for hours!

Problem with a lot of these responses is that they do focus on what I need to do and it’s difficult as I’ve so much to do anyway.

He can yes but if he doesn’t notice … if I don’t say we need bread … then the next morning I’m either late as one of us has had to rush to get it or Dd1 gets no lunch.

In the morning, go "dh, do you want to make the packed lunches or get dd1 ready?"

In the evening, go "dh, are you making dinner or doing bathtime?"

For school runs, if it's practical for him to do some, alternate.

You're still making excuses.

You either make him change his behaviour, live with it or LTB.

It's worth some time and effort if your relationship is important.

Going in and doing it for him is bottom of my list of things i cpuld do...

my start point would be

HEY where the f-u-c-k are you?
You cannot walk off when the kids are in the bath.
Get In there, pay attention and leep your phone in your pocket.
It's embarassing you wont spend 20 mins with your own children