Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

I don't think this is a person you should have in your life, be delighted not to have to communicate again with such a self-absorbed and thoughtless person.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Wow, what a weirdo she is. Who needs friends like that.
Sorry for what you’ve been through with DP x

She's sounds like an absolute piece of 💩
She's saying your weren't devastated by your husband's death - why care about her friendship?!
When she loses a loved one does she keep on track with her timely messages?! What a waste of space 💩

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It sounds horrendous and most of your friends have been understanding in the way I would expect all friends to be, best friends, good friends or even just acquaintances.

I wouldn't even treat a work colleague I didn't like the way your friend has treated you in cutting you off.

She is not a nice person and at least you have found that out now and don't need to waste anymore time on her.

It's not you, it's definitely her. She's not worth being in contact with and has done you a favour in the long run by removing herself from your circle to influence. You definitely don't need people like her in your life.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just to add - she's getting some sort of kick out of doing this - you chasing her is feeding her pathetic ego.
What a crap existence she must have to act like this.

I'm sorry for your loss. And you need to remember that you had the loss, and she's tried to make it about her. This was your partner and she made your lack of TEXTS about her? Sorry. Fuck her. She's no friend of yours

I am so sorry for your tragic loss. 💔

Do not apologize any more to this person. She's awful. She's not your friend.

OP your partner died tragically. Protect your peace and let this selfish woman go.

You have understandably been the focus of attention amongst your supportive friends at an horrific time for you.
She may be jealous and by ignoring you is bringing the attention round to herself.
She’s certainly not worth pursuing as a friend as she lacks any empathy.

OP sometimes the trash takes itself out. Some friendships ending are a blessing in disguise. Anyone who expects a grieving friend to answer in a timely fashion is pretty uncaring.I am very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss @sarabanks… I would assume that this person is devoid of empathy and someone who would be utterly exhausting to be around as you would be constantly having to “prove yourself” for the rest of your relationship anyway. True friendship allows for space and understands without judgement or demands. She sounds immature and will probably end up very lonely.

She’s an utter c*nt. Block her on everything and give her no more thought. Definitely don’t grovel, apologise again, take her out for dinner or anything like that. She’s a nasty nasty piece of work.

I’m horrified that a ‘friend’ would be so insensitive Her behaviour is utterly selfish In fact it is shocking that someone could be so cruel at a time of deep grief and bereavement. Please look after yourself and don’t chase after her at all. People can act strangely towards a bereaved person sometimes but this is beyond selfish

You don't need a muppet like her in your life OP.

As a PP said. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

This is not a friend. How anyone can be so selfish and wanting to recreate drama when you’re going through such a loss is ridiculous. You are well rid. Block, move on, don’t discuss it at all with mutual friends.

She ain’t worth it!!

I am so sorry for your loss op. You haven't done anything wrong and you have reached out several times to make amends. Cut this one loose. They seem like very hard work op and not the kind of friend you could do with right now while you are still very tender. I suspect they won't be missed

Nicely - why the feck would you take out to dinner, pay and apologise to a "friend" to has proved she's no friend at all?

I'm so sorry about your DP. And I'm glad you have friends who understand.

But you don't not need people who think life is all about them - in yours.

This is awful, although it hurts she's exposed herself as being totally lacking in empathy and you just don't need that with the journey you are on right now. Who in the fuck judges and makes demands on a friend going through the worst of situations. I'm sorry if this has compounded an already challenging situation for you, but you sound resilient and reflective and it's very much her loss. She is a fool not to have accepted your olive branches. One thought, are you mutual friends not astonished by her frankly abhorrent behaviour? Id struggle to witness this from one of my friends to another at such a difficult time and probably call them out of the detailed this to me or at the very least distance myself because people like this are not the ones to trust with your feelings and vulnerability

This is one of those times to think about how you feel about her, not how she feels about you… she has behaved utterly appallingly. She is not worth any of your time.

YANBU. I had a friend like that - she became cold and blamed me for not being there for her during the pandemic (she was quite anxious), and asked me to apologise to her for not responding immediately to her messages. Well, I’m an ITU nurse! I couldn’t have responded when I was on shift even if I really wanted to.

We have not spoken now in several months, and it’s been over two years since we had any regular contact. Her behaviour also made me realise that she’d been quite needy for many years and it was probably better not to have her in my life, even though it’s sad to lose a friend.

wishibg you well and very sorry for the loss of your DH. Hope you have other friends around who are supportive of you and your grief 💐

So sorry for your loss. How awful that she is so selfish and mean. You are well shot of her. Even during normal times I sometimes don’t reply to texts. It can take days and sometimes I forget all together. We all just accept it’s the business of life. When grieving even more so. In fact we would often start the text with ‘no need to reply if you haven’t got the headspace lovely.’ so as not to add burden at difficult times.

I suspect you are well shot of her, painful as that might be. A major life event like this really sorts the wheat from the chaff in terms of who are good friends. Lean into those better friends.

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. 💐

She’s a terrible person. Ignore her, take care of yourself. If she’s worth anything she’ll realise that she was being a twat and come and apologise, if she doesn’t - you’re better off without her in your life.

As an ITU nurse in the pandemic why the hell wasn’t she supporting YOU more? Wow. Some people. Thanks for everything you did. ITU was one of the (if not the) hardest areas to work in during the pandemic.

Wow. The woman’s behaviour is beyond awful. Please stop trying to apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong. Hopefully your friends will rally and she will squeeze herself out, she already has with the group chat. Talk about making your tragedy her drama.

It sounds to me like a happy bonus that she’s taken herself out of the group chats so you know your group chats are free of this entirely self centred person.

Oh my word! Everyone forgets to reply to a message once in a while let alone in the midst of grief! This is beyond petty.