Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

225 replies

sarabanks · 01/10/2024 03:40

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 01/10/2024 06:02

She is being hugely selfish and unkind. You have experienced an enormous trauma that anyone would struggle to deal with. She should be supporting you not expecting you to chase after her. She isn’t a nice person and you don’t need that in your life. I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

TimelyIntervention · 01/10/2024 06:09

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through OP. If I was the mutual friend you asked I would have been absolutely livid, how dare this “friend” make your loss about her. You have nothing to apologise for. It is sad that this friendship is over, but it is now in the past.

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2024 06:13

She's a self absorbed person you are definitely better for her exiting your life.

Mamabobogo · 01/10/2024 06:15

I can’t believe what I’m reading! Get rid of her OP.

Diomi · 01/10/2024 06:15

I agree with everyone else on this thread. She sounds awful.

rainfallpurevividcat · 01/10/2024 06:18

I hate people who expect replies all the time and can't imagine that other people might be not actually on their phones all the time and have other stuff going on. Sounds like she's still at school.

Fraaahnces · 01/10/2024 06:20

I popped back in to say that she is actually seeking consolation from you…. This is bonkers. I have heard of grief vampires but she takes the cake.

ratherbesurfing · 01/10/2024 06:24

You deserve better, as everyone else has said, she’s shown you who she is and done you a favour.

People who demand replies to messages can do one as far as I’m concerned, even if you don’t know the other person is going through stuff, to assume that you are more important than anything else they have going on in their life is hugely narcissistic and I won’t bend over backwards to keep you.

OP, I’m sorry about your partner, don’t give this person another thought, she doesn’t deserve it.

Lotsofsnacks · 01/10/2024 06:33

sarabanks · 01/10/2024 03:40

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

Sorry for your loss OP. This person is no friend, is very petty, and shows a total lack of understanding about your unexpected, very sad situation. Stop giving her anymore headspace and concentrate on you. Rely on your other supportive, kind friends.

Zanatdy · 01/10/2024 06:37

She is not a friend, to be honest I wouldn’t have offered to take her out for dinner, pretty rude of her to not even respond when you’re going through the worse time of your life. Very sorry for your loss

ArcaneSquiggle · 01/10/2024 06:37

I can't believe what I've just read. I've met some self absorbed people but this woman absolutely takes the biscuit.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a kind, thoughtful and strong person, and not only have you have done nothing at all wrong, you've been far more patient with this 'friend' than most people would be.

This is one of the rare occasions when I hope the person being discussed is on MN - she'd benefit from reading a group of strangers collectively identifying her as a selfish cunt.

You don't need people like this in your life. I'm so sorry that someone has made this difficult time even more difficult for you Flowers

purplepandas · 01/10/2024 06:41

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with other posters, this is no friend. I am appalled they could treat you this way. I have no words. Unexpected loss ( al loss I know) is so hard.

Holidays78 · 01/10/2024 06:41

Sorry for your loss. You don't need a person like this in your life.

GoditsSeptember · 01/10/2024 06:42

CuriousGeorge80 · 01/10/2024 04:32

She’s an utter c*nt. Block her on everything and give her no more thought. Definitely don’t grovel, apologise again, take her out for dinner or anything like that. She’s a nasty nasty piece of work.

Have to agree with with many of the comments and this in particular. Sorry for your loss OP.

Katkins17 · 01/10/2024 06:45

No one needs an entitled narcissist in their life. As sad as losing a valued friendship can be, at this time, your focus should be on yourself. Forget about this 'frienemy' ....shes made her decision, so let her live with it, and look after yourself at this very difficult time xx

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 01/10/2024 06:45

First response has it - as do many others. I'd block her on everything @sarabanks . Sorry for your loss 💐

2Old2Tango · 01/10/2024 06:46

If losing your partner unexpected a tragic accident isn't enough of a reason to be slow responding to a text, then what on earth would be?

I'm with everyone else on this OP. You're well rid of this person because she's certainly not a friend. Don't let her wiggle her way back in if she tries at a later date.

My condolences for your loss. I too lost my husband this summer (only 59) though not suddenly like in your situation. I can only imagine how much harder it must be if it happened so unexpectedly.

Kitkatcatflap · 01/10/2024 06:47

So sorry for your loss.

I always think you should never judge someone in grief. I have known people 'go off the rails' and fall out with people but knowing what they are going through, it's easy overlook. You did nothing wrong.

Where is her support? Her understanding? A true friend would never have pressured you over a couple of unanswered text messages.

As others have said, move on now. You have been more than generous contacting her and offering to take her to dinner, yet she is too immature and wrapped up in a drama of her own making. Concentrate on your real friends.

Mama2many73 · 01/10/2024 06:51

OMG do not waste another second trying to reconnect, or 'put the situation right'! You have done nothing wrong!! She is a pathetic excuse of a human and is making it about her!

OverthinkingOlive · 01/10/2024 06:52

Fuck her. Sorry for your loss OP x

Glittertwins · 01/10/2024 06:54

Sorry for your loss Flowers of your DP
Your "friend" is well rid of and she's saved you any more upset. Perhaps she might have more time to reflect on her disgusting behaviour if other mutual friends decide they don't want that kind of person in their lives either.

MrsToothyBitch · 01/10/2024 06:56

Everyone forgets the odd text. And you should be cut more slack at such a difficult time.

You haven't lost a friend, you've been freed from someone incredibly self centred.

Velvian · 01/10/2024 06:56

I think I would block her forever on everything for the 'can't be grieving that much' comment!

Did the person relaying that seem sheepish? It is shocking.

Elektra1 · 01/10/2024 06:59

She sounds like a self-absorbed bitch and you're well shot of her. I'm very sorry for your loss. Life is so short and precious. Don't waste a second of it fretting about someone so awful. Friends are supposed to lift you up.

Latenightreader · 01/10/2024 07:01

I’ve met people like her. She probably boasts about having ‘standards’, but is actually just inflexible and compassion free. I bet she used to post on Facebook to announce she was having a friends cull, then again a couple of days later to say ‘if you can see this you made it through’ and expect everyone to be grateful.