Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

She has taken 'having clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour' too far. Fine to not stand for people treating you like crap. But if you can't cut a bit of slack to a good friend when they're going through an incredibly awful, life changing time, then she has no compassion or empathy at all and will ultimately end up with few friends as everyone is going to go through periods where for some reason they can't respond.

I don't think you're angry enough about her poor behaviour though...she is judging how upset you were and what you felt you had time to do? She is publicly cutting you off. You've done nothing wrong at all, you explained (which shouldn't have been neccessary) and she still ignores you. No way should you be offering a meal to apologise for not texting her back when you were going through a shock bereavement! Some people have to make everything about them. Honestly you are better off without her

Agree with this alternatively fuck off to the back end of fuck then fuck of some more.

You do not need this in your life 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be such a difficult time for you.

Times like these do tend to show us who your true friends are.

This person is unfortunately not your friend. This is a person with a deep need for the world to revolve around them. To feel constantly needed and validated and the centre of attention. This person cannot handle that you were too concerned with other matters to be concerned with them. They will also feel deeply jealous that your other friends will have been more concerned about you lately than her.

Move on from the friendship in full knowledge that your life will be more peaceful without her. It will eat her alive if you don’t come running after her begging for forgiveness. You have done nothing wrong.

Honestly, stop trying. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m afraid bereavement can show you who your real friends are. And sadly it’s not always who you would expect.

I had a very close friend who I supported through a lot of horrible stuff. Then I suffered a very traumatic bereavement and she could not get herself out of my life quick enough, using some minor perceived (ie non existent) slight as an excuse.

Goodness, she sounds hard work. If I cut off everyone of my friends who didn’t response in a timely manner, there’d be no one left! Take this get out clause and run OP!
Sorry for your loss, an accident is so much harder to come to terms with than illness. Be kind to yourself. X

She's a horrible bitch and you're lucky she's shown you her true colours so you can have her out of your life.

Just been through something very similar. Dealing with breast cancer and other serious health issues. I also have major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder.
A friend texted to ask about going for a meal, I was overwhelmed with anxiety as my follow up mammogram had shown more abnormalities. I tend to withdraw when overwhelmed.
i didn’t reply to her quickly enough so when I did reply I got a long, horrible text about how rude and ignorant I was. I replied and apologised and explained (again). Haven’t heard from her since (7 months now).
I guess she wasn’t actually a friend after all. All she was concerned about was her hurt feelings and my rudeness.

You don't need a friend like this, she sounds extremely self centred. Don't waste any more energy on her x

So sorry for your loss also, I lost a very close friend recently, it was completely unexpected so I know how it just completely derails your normal life, you needed time to process it in your own way and people who really care about you should understand x

There are better people out there to be friends with OP.

If I was one of the mutual friends I would be giving her some very direct feedback about her behaviour. I really hope she gets it in the neck. It’s envy, as others have said. She wants the focus off you and back on her because others have been rightly understanding and probably worried about you and she can’t forgive you for that.

I’m really sorry for your loss and that among all the supportive people there is one who is entirely self absorbed. She doesn’t deserve your apology. Carry on with your friends and let her flounce out of the various groups if she insists on making a tit of herself.

With friends like her, who needs enemies.

Drop her like a lead balloon, she is a mean, selfish nasty piece of toxic sludge you can live without right now because you have been through a horrendous trauma after the tragic loss of your husband and under no circumstances should you apologise to binge tits for not replying to her messages.

You were not wrong to not reply to her and her conduct is absolutely atrocious.

spelling

vinegar tits for not replying to her messages.

unless her text was about an equally life changing incident happening in her own world then she is wildly overreacting.

OP, putting myself in your friend's shoes, I do think I'd find it weird and uncomfortable if you ignored a message of support and concern I sent you and responded by sending me random cute animal clips. I can't imagine a single friend of mine doing that and if they did I'd be concerned for their mental health. If they then just jumped back into everything again without any acknowledgement of what had happened I might well, unless I really valued their friendship, decide to step away.

Are you really telling us that in all that time sitting in airport departure lounges you couldn't find a few minutes to message your friends with a simple 'Thank you for your expressions of care and concern. I'm overwhelmed at the moment, I'll be in touch' message? I can't imagine not doing that.

My condolences to you: I've been through a traumatic sudden loss myself and I know it can plunge you into total chaos. Even so, if you value your friends... In your shoes I'd send a message to all those whose messages of support and concern I ignored and say 'I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. I was....' Only you will know how to explain it.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am struggling as to why you are chasing this character and why with her repeated bad behaviour you would do this:

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person.

Oh wow - she is a piece of work, just awful!! I’m a firm believer that friendship doesn’t always need to involve constant communication - sometimes people need space!

She's making your grief all about her.

She's doing you a favour. You're better off without her drama.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a “ friend” do exactly the same after my DH died.
Some people have to make it all about themselves.

Sorry fo4ryour loss

People are just weird and sometimes it's best to just walk from the drama.

If they have no experience of dealing with a person's estate then they might not understand the absolute hell you go through whilst in the throws of grief. I assume it would be even more complicated when another country is involved. I still can't get my head around her comment, gift and stuff arr things you use when you just aren't ready to talk.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. As for the so called friend, she's disgusting. You're vulnerable and need support, and she is upset because you're not sending her cat pictures. Bizarre.

It makes me sad that amidst that, you were so kind as to offer to take her to dinner! I think you're obviously in a very vulnerable place still, you only need good supportive people around you, not emotional vulture types like her.

She's a selfish bitch and you're better off without her, block and forget!

Your friend is self-centred.

This loss probably feels really hard right now as you’re already in the middle of a deep loss. It is probably easier for you to focus on this than on the very difficult loss of your partner.

In time you will see that you lost nothing by losing her “friendship”.

I wish you all the best. Take time to take care of yourself as you get acquainted with a new normal.

Well obviously you'd be concerned for their mental health. But then, being a friend, you'd know automatically in OPs case that their mental health had been majorly affected by the grief of a partner suddenly dying in an accident.

I mean for god's sake, basic empathy doesn't cost anything. Not getting a few text replies on your smartphone is a small price to pay for being understanding to a friend who is limping through a horrific life situation and the after effects of a huge shock.

Or are we all such selfish people now that we demand responses to our texts, because life must revolve around us that very much?

I would actually go nuclear on her.

I would be messaging the group to say what a vile and selfish person she was and that you have no interest in having her in your life.

What a horrid person.