Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

I'm sorry for what you've been through. You don't need this on top. Don't waste your energy. It's her problem.

Not comparing to you, but I had a traumatic divorce from an abusive partner and a friend at the time was really off with me for no reason. I just left her to it. Years later she tried to reconcile and while I bear her no ill, I didn't bother. She showed me who she was and it was beyond disappointing.

Turn to your better friends. If she comes round eventually, think about whether you want a friend like this.

She’s not someone you want in your life. What a way to treat somebody after what you’ve been through 😢

I will never understand the mindset of: 'hmm, a close friend has just lost their partner. How can i make this about me?'

I'm very sorry to hear that, @sarabanks

Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a few years ago and had a few people behaving like this. They're no loss to you. Real friends are there through the good and bad times.. I got rid of the dead wood and don't regret it at all. Best wishes x

Wise words. What kind of a person berates a grieving person for not replying to them quickly enough. Bloody hell, she's awful.

Your life is better without her and sometimes it takes a life changing event for us to see what people are truly like underneath the mask of social niceness. She isnt a good person.

This is a good thing that she's shown her true colours. Leave her and concentrate on your true friends. You don't need people like her in your life.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Of course she's an absolute bitch and NO friend at all. Please don't chase or apologise to her and block her on everything. I would hope that your actual friends are as horrified by her selfish twattery as we all are. Xx

Sorry for your loss. Please don’t worry about this person, she is no friend. She is a total arse and the problem is all hers!

She has made your grief all about her .
She has dictated what you should and shouldn't do when it comes to social media/messages .
She is no friend.
You should be angry . And said how dare she decide how you should behave.
Maybe turn it around and ask what sort of friend has so little empathy and compassion for others that they drop them for not responding to some messages.
I'm very sorry for your loss. You definitely don't need friends like this

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

Im so sorry for your loss. You don’t need people like that in your life.

Posted twice!

Well, one of my best friends in the world is caring for her terminally ill partner. She sends chats intermittently to a group chat but doesn't often respond to individual messages. I really get it. She's overwhelmed and I will meet her where she's at and appreciate what she can give. So I think your friend is being very brutal.

(Edited as I was wondering what led her to have such a rigid rule but worried my original wording looked like I thought you must have done something wrong.)

I agree. She is not only selfish and self centred but totally toxic.

Sorry for your loss.

She has so little compassion and understanding, are you sure she is actually a human?

Don’t give her another thought.

She can get to fuck

That's a technical term.

OP don't spend a second more on this person. Focus on the quality people in your life that make you feel good and comfortable. And sorry for your loss :(

Be grateful she has removed herself, she took the trash out for you.

You are well rid of Flounce Off Fanny.
Not only has she treated you appallingly, she has also removed herself from mutual friends.
Some people sadly don’t like other people getting attention and empathy - even under the most upsetting circumstances.
You probably sent little videos to stay connected without having to say too much.
Heaven help her if she ever finds herself grieving for someone. She will be expecting 24/7 attention I am sure..
You have good friends. Continue to enjoy their support and let Fanny go and impinge her warped standards on someone else.
Sorry for your loss, OP. Dealing with the aftermath is just exhausting so take good care of yourself.
Perhaps suggest a nice dinner with a friend who has been there for you.

I’m assuming it’s less ‘bereaved friend didn’t text me’ than ‘no idea what to say to bereaved friend, so making batshit and thoroughly unpleasant excuse for cutting contact’, but I don’t think that makes it in any way more acceptable. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Best wishes.

Cute animal memes are some light relief when you’re up to your eyeballs in grief and heavy duty admin. My friend with terminal cancer and I exchange at least one every day.

You are having to deal with the whole fallout from sudden bereavement. You are probably still in a degree of shock given the nature of it: Please don’t give this person another thought and surround yourself with supportive friends. 💐

This.
She is a horror.
Wishing you well.

"I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person."

You're a bigger person than I am because I would not have done this. I would have thrown that friendship straight in the bin.

She's showing you who she is - is this what you want from your friendship? I think she's behaved appallingly.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. You are entitled to take as much time as you need and to do whatever you have to to survive at this time. Any decent friend would have been fully understanding. If I was the mutual friend I'd have gone through her for a shortcut.

Any time you catch yourself thinking about this person, train your brain to switch to thinking of something nice you can do with a friend and do it.

She doesn't deserve you to spend one second more thinking about her.

I would hope the mutual friend is disgusted too.

I think everyone else has already said it. It's her, not you. Don't waste any more time and energy on her. Hopefully, the rest of the group see through her self-absorption and are there for you.
Sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry you are going through such a loss, and that you have had this emotional succubus treating you this way at such a time.
This is one of those occasions I hope this gets picked up by the papers and that she reads about herself. What a terrible excuse for a human being.
I think you should be glad that she is gone frankly. You don’t need such people around you.