Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

She has shown you clearly what kid of "friend" she really is, so believe her !!!!! Block her. DO NOT apologise again. Move on. And don't look back. You've enough to deal with and clearly have other real supportive friends. Forget she exists. So sorry for your loss.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

My single, final message to her would be - This will be my final message. Please don't ever contact me again. I am appalled at your behaviour in holding a supposed friend to ridiculous time constraints re communications when they are going through something awful. My loss is not about you and I will not make you a priority at this time. I suggest you take some time to consider how you could be a better friend yourself, considering you have made a dreadful time for me harder with your demands and pettiness. Have a nice life.

Do you really want such a mean and shallow person as a friend?

OP this person is not a true friend. They have behaved terribly selfishly at the worst time for you. Accept their silence as a gift now & don't look back.

It seems she's done you a favour - with friends like that who needs enemies?

It could become awkward within your circle of friends but I would mentally detach from that friendship and treat her as though she were a friend of your friends in group situations - be polite and friendly if she interacts with you, but no more than. The moral high ground is entirely yours. You have enough on your plate and don't need the stress of trying to fathom out other people's inappropriate behavour. Focus on your needs and your positive friendships when your mindset and energy allow - you deserve nothing less.

I'm so sorry for your loss. x

This is a perfect message to send to her.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

You are doing really well and you shouldn't have to offer to bring her out for dinner or even a cup of tea/coffee for the way she has treated you when you're going through something so terrible. I really hope the wider friendship group treat her with the same level of disdain should she ever find herself in a situation and she can't respond to people in a timely manner. What a horrible person she is on the inside!!

So sorry for your loss. What a terrible person (an absolute c""t), good riddance. Why should you explain yourself at all. No need to make it up to her. No need for apologies or meals out. I am absolutely speechless by the selfish, nasty bish behaviour. Tell her to go take a long running jump off a short cliff.

So sorry for your loss.

THAT is no friend and you are well rid of her.

What a selfish person this so called ex friend is. I have texted condolences and i never feel offended if someone doesn’t respond. I understand it’s a difficult time and i have experienced losing close family members so i know how it feels. You should never have reached out once you found out the reason she was ghosting you, what a disgusting human being she is. Good riddance to her, one thing i have learned is you really find out who people are when you go through grief! do not feel bad you did nothing wrong, to make it about herself at a time like that says a lot about who she is. Fake friend!

Tell her to rev up and fexk off, she is no friend of yours. You would need a heart like a brick to fail to understand the situation. I went through something very similar and I shed a few friends along the way. I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with attention seekers. You hang on to the good ones and if some are so insensitive that they think they are the most important person in the situation just leave them off. Mind yourself it's a tough road to travel.💔

You have done nothing to deserve this appalling treatment from a so called friend

They sound somewhat narcissistic and that before your partner died, your relationship with them was one where you felt very close and would always be there for each other.

But, I think their recent behaviour has shown whilst they're good at making seemingly close friendships with lovely people who are genuinely kind and empathetic. These friendships give them self validation, and they do value them, but, and it's a big but, they're unable to understand and empathise when anyone behaves in a way they don't understand.

They're not being nasty or vindictive consciously. The idea that people process grief in a different way to their own is just not comprehensible to them. It would seem that your former friend would want frequent messages and would reply quickly, because that's what they would need to feel supported and cared for.

You're not them, and there's absolutely NOTHING abnormal about how you are coping. True friends let you know they care, are thinking of you, and are there if you need them. They'll text without expecting a reply. Send a cuddly toy to your house. Post a card saying how much they love you.

Don't blame yourself for this so called friend's behaviour. They're blaming you for their own inadequacies
Don't let them.

Hopw dare she even open her mouth at such a time, let alone insult you. Brass neck is what she has.

If she ditched people for not replying to a message she won't be left with many friends soon.

IMO she's not much of a friend if she behaves in this way, I think she's incredibly insensitive and selfish you've tried your best once you knew why she's behaving (imo) badly and she's not responded now is the time to cut her out of your life enough is enough,you shouldn't have to be grovelling to her your life is in bits you're greaving.....she has no compassion and you don't need her

What a self centered prick. You don’t need all that crap from a grown adult at a time like this.

I’m so sorry for your loss and following grief. What’s happened to you is terrible and the only people you need in your life are ones that are compassionate and loving. Sounds like you have given this person much more energy and kindness than they deserve. Consider that loss a gain in time and energy for a new friend or space to grieve in the way you need to for the loss that truly matters. Be well and take care of yourself.

I agree! ⬆️

It's HER issue, not yours. Stick with your supportive friends & forget her - she's insensitive & selfish.

Sorry for your loss. X

When the chips are down you really do find out who your real friends are, and this person is not one of those. Her actions are selfish and self-absorbed, and the last thing you should be feeling right now is guilty that she's upset. She's acting like a child and she's shown her true colours. Move on from her and focus on yourself.

I am so very sorry for your loss.
You deserve better from your friend, what an absolute entitled, pathetic moose she is.
Bin her off, who is she to say how you should manage your grief! No apology needed, I hope she never has to experience grief, what a heartless being she is! You are most certainly not being Unreasonable!

Wow! I am so sorry for your loss! You have really gone out of your way to rectify this situation and your friend has shut the door on you. She is no friend, strike this one down to experience and move on..

You do not need people like this in your life, she is a narcissistic, self-obsessed person with no consideration for your grief or the difficulties involved with trying to arrange an estate especially in a foreign country. I wish you all the best X.

She made your grief “all about her”, that is not “friendship” it’s someone too self absorbed to empathise and put your feelings before her own, in your time of need.
Try to have higher expectations she’s done you a favour .

So sorry for your loss. That person has no empathy, a real friend would understand your grief and the amount of work involved in arranging funerals, wills, bills, etc. It must be worse if you have to commute between Countries. She is not a true friend if she can't understand your situation. You've done your best to mend bridges, but she doesn't even want to discuss it. There's only so far you can go with this and you did more than any normal person would. Put it down to experience and cut ties.

Sorry for your loss.
As for your friend, if I was in your shoes, I would let her go. You’ll only get more of the same going forward. Narcissists don’t change.

My friend's cat died and I was very sympathetic but a month later she didn't reply to my text that I'd had a car accident and was quite badly hurt. A month later her dog died and once again she texted for sympathy but this time she didn't get any, didn't even ask how I was and now she's saying I'm a bad person for not giving her sympathy for her dog loss. People are weird op, they have their priorities all wrong.

Her response reflects back on her and should not influence or change how you respond to situations ordinarily, regardless of how she (or anyone else) behaves in response to you. How you choose to respond reflects back on you. You can choose to be unconditionally kind, compassionate and understanding always, or treat friendships like a business negotiation, ie with conditions. Sure life is better when people treat us the way we expect. And we are “hurt” when they don’t. It’s better to give what we can without any conditions or expectations and accept people as they are. It’s a difficult concept to embrace but doing so means you will never be disappointed. Be enough for yourself: exercise self love, kindness and compassion and you will always have enough to give and never want …