Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

To treat you like this at such an awful time in your life. Goodness me an enemy wouldn't treat you this badly.

I hope you get any help that you need from your TRUE friends

Sending you hugs on your loss x

Very sorry for your loss.

The friend is horrendous and incredibly self centred. Never mind you and what you've been through, it's all about her not getting a response to a text. I'm afraid I would have gone nuclear on her the second she suggested 'I couldn't have been that deep in my grief'. What a truly vile and insensitive thing to say.

You need to drop this one op, not pandering to her trying to take her out for dinner and smooth things over. She is not a good person and she's certainly not a supportive friend.

She's done you a favour and showing her true colours to the rest of your mates. Let it go and let her make a tit out of herself

Sorry for your loss.

Why are chasing someone who has been so cruel to you for no reason at a time when you were in pain? Don’t contact her again. Block her on everything

Like others here, I’m angry on your behalf. What a horrible way to deal with someone’s grief. She’s made your grief all about her and seems a very selfish and entitled person. I would never do that to a friend who wasn’t suffering from grief never mind someone bereaved. Forget her. She’s not worth it.

OP, so sorry about your DH, you must be reeling.

You don’t need to give this person a moment’s head space, and best not to indulge such behaviour.

I had a friend who joined some sort of Life Coaching regime (it was honestly like a cult) and there were ‘rules’ about boundaries and monitoring how often someone initiated meets ups or phone calls.. and to drop anyone who didn’t reciprocate on an exact basis. She’s probably read some dreadful book or been on MN (At its worst) too much.

I hope you continue to get support from people who are empathetic and actually supportive.

Yet another reason why I can't be bothered with friends. Too many so called friends, best and otherwise on MN letting posters down/ dropping over the most trival things. Then there is a major occurence like OP and so called friend jogs off with pathetic excuses. OP💐

This! Be glad a selfish twat has removed herself from your life. Honestly OP she's awful.

What a bitch, she sounds like someone who has to have everyone swanning around her like the world only evolves around her. You don't need her in your life at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You don't need a friend like this and you've gone way above what I would in apologising and offering to take her for dinner, considering the circumstances.

Did the mutual friend not tell the friend how unreasonable she's being??

She’s a horrible friend OP. She doesn’t deserve you. I wouldn’t reach out to her anymore, I’d block her and just keep the good friends you already have.

Some people don't have any understanding unless it happens to them. She has not come though when you needed her. The rest of your friend group will have also noted this. She is not a friend to rely on. She is not a true friend. You have all the rest of you friends who sound lovely and understanding. Don't give her any more headspace. You have been through enough and I am sorry for your loss.

Give yourself a telling off for offering to take her to dinner so you could say sorry, block her on all platforms then never, ever think about it again.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, not even a little bit. This woman is a horrible, selfish, rude, entitled bitch and doesn't deserve another second of your time.

You deserve better.

You do not need this person in your life. Please don't chase her any more. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure you still don't know which way is up.

Sadly we often discover who are real friends are in times of loss and adversity. She isn’t a true friend. I hope you can get over the hurt and appreciate that she’s done you a favour of weeding herself out of your life.

Sincere condolences for your loss. My heart goes out to you and hope that you have other lovely people to be there for you at this time.

So sorry for your loss. I would not give this woman any more headspace and cut her out of your life. I lost my DH last year. Most friends were absolutely great and would start their messages with "No need to reply, just wanted to you know I'm thinking of you..." or something like that.
There was, however, one "friend" who became jealous that I was getting more attention than her from our mutual friends, so I have now cut her out of my life (as have they as they were appalled by her behaviour) and feel much better for it.
As PP have said, tragic circumstances often show you who your real friends are in a time of need - she wasn't one of them it seems! I think going through a loss has made me have a different perspective on life - Life really is too short to surround yourself with toxic people - you've enough to deal with. Concentrate on yourself and forget her.

It’s not you, it’s HER - she’s being very self-centred. Sorry for your loss.

Surprised to see this. The OP has been dealing with a traumatic event and probably didn’t have the words to reply about what had happened. Most people would be supportive and understanding in this situation.

Sometimes people show you who they are OP, you are better off without her. I had a friend drop me a couple of years ago. They lost a pet, didn’t tell me but put it on social media which I didn’t see. At the time I had just been told that a family member was dying and was unwell myself so wasn’t on social media much. A week later I saw a post about the pet and looked back and saw what happened so messaged my condolences. I was ignored. In work meetings she was vile to me, so emailed and she replied saying she was upset I hadn’t mesaged about her pet. I explained what had happened, that I hadn’t seen it, and that I reached out as soon as I saw it. I told her why I hadn’t been on social media much and that my family member had been given a short time to live and had now passed. No reponse, no condolences. It still winds me up a couple of years later but I figure I am better off without someone so self centered in my life. Hopefully you will feel the same too and not see this as a loss of a friend but the removal of someone not worthy of you. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing as ok as you can be.

Good riddance, I'd say

Different people handle their grief in different ways. As a friend, it is on you to respond in kind to their needs at the time, not to make it about you and how you would handle it. OP has already apologised, she is under no obligation to keep groveling to someone who wants to be the main character at all times. Nowhere has OP said that messages from her 'friend' expressed any support or concern. And if they did, and were genuine, she would recognise that it wasn't about her, she would accept the already offered apology and be offering her shoulder.

This is no friend.
I'm so, so sorry for your awful loss xx

She's done you a favour in all honesty. How kind of her to demonstrate what a self-obsessed tool she is so that you don’t waste any more of your life thinking about her. And any other friends who have observed her behaviour and not been shocked would be getting the side-eye too.

^^This

Wow.

Just Wow.

”Friend” is a self centered, selfish cow.
be happy she’s shown her true colours
and don’t contact her again
even if she comes back, tell her no thanks