Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

Op she is trash, don't beg for people like this. She showed her true colours during a very bad time in your life, why does she deserve any of the good parts? Dump her and never give her a second of your thoughts again. Sorry about your loss this is the last thing you need.

Sorry for your loss op. She is not a friend horrible behaviour by her.

If you're a true friend you don't judge, you instinctively know something's wrong.
My friend didn't respond for 3 years.
When she eventually reached out and told me what a horrific time she's had I totally understood. I knew something was going on for her to not reply anyway.
So selfish, maybe when she's sitting at an airport lounge she's stressed about whatever the reason she is having to travel rather than take the time to get over the shock HER HUSBAND DIED, WITHOUT NOTICE!

YABU. Sorry for your loss. She has some issues with her self-esteem and neediness which are nothing to do with you. Ignore her and move on.

She's not your friend. Please don't apologise. What a disgrace.

I lost my DH last year - and learning about friends, and some family, has been a real learning curve.🤷‍♀️

Look after yourself - and forget those that don’t really care about you. 💐

You are much better off without her. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like grief often exposes who our real friends/family/support are. Think of this moment as casting a light on who the “real ones” in your life are. Take care.

She is a lowlife piece of shit. I'd be very tempted to send her a link to this thread.

She has absolutely done you a favour — you don’t need people like her in your life.

@sarabanks Sorry for your loss. This so called friend sounds like a spoiled brat. Where is her empathy, better off without someone like that in your life.

OP, sorry for your loss 💐
Is your friend from another culture? For example, not being able to participate in grieving is seen as giving them a status of a acquaintance/stranger. Or not a close enough relationship or being cut up. So maybe she felt hurt?

But if she is holding a grudge even after an apology then clearly a Narcissistic person, irrespective of her background. Good riddance.

Toxic person

Sounds like they have shown their true colours and they are not a friend you need in your life if this is how petty and childish they are 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t need this person in your life.

She's a lunatic. You're lucky to be rid of her.

I think this kind of behaviour comes from some kind of ‘toxic therapy’ culture we seem to live in. It reminds me of a recent thread about people saying ‘that makes me feel sad’

thankfully, she didn’t say she was ‘putting up boundaries’, but that’s what this smacks of.

it’s the ‘no hard feelings’ remark that is the cherry on the cake. Her reaction has been very extreme and if she has no hard feelings, then you’d accept someone’s apology and at least talk to them.

I think going NC with people who are massively toxic can be a positive move, but people seem to use it now for people who don’t like their Facebook posts.

Definitely this. Don't waste your time on her

Sorry for your loss.

She sounds absolutely awful and the fact she has made it all about her and you are the one attempting to apologise makes her sound extremely manipulative. I can understand why you’re hurt by the situation but I truly feel you are better without her in your life. I am so sorry for your loss x

Yes, but you find out who your real friends are. Cherish those ones even if they are not the life and soul of the party people.

Sorry for your loss, 9 years in, and it's still difficult at times.

Sorry for your loss OP. If she was any sort of friend she would have been supportive and understanding … she isn’t a friend. She’s a Dictim - behaves like a dick then plays the victim.

Same here. I’ve been in your friend’s position. A friend totally dropped contact. I was mortified and was hurt. I messaged a few times, but eventually moved on and assumed she needed space. She got back in touch a couple of years later and had been in a very bad place due to grief. I was just relieved she was ok ( and I hadn’t massively put my foot in it! 😬)

The OP said she’d been in touch to apologise and explain, but this friend is the only one who did this

You deserve better. Don't give her another moment's thought. Good luck.

You are better off without this old bag in your life. Anyone that petty is not a mate.

I'm so sorry for your loss 🫂 🫂

Wow, good riddance to her, she clearly is not a true friend and doesn't deserve your friendship. Forget about her and remove all trace if her on your phone and social media!

I expect she would call this "having her boundaries!"

I call it selfish, self absorbed, lacking in empathy and NOT worth having as a friend! She is not a friend! Ignore her!