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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

225 replies

sarabanks · 01/10/2024 03:40

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

OP posts:
Havinganamechange · 02/10/2024 21:29

Quite honestly OP I would have told her to fuck off.

Currygirl · 02/10/2024 22:35

Personally I'd give it to her both barrels....& remove her sad existence from your life.
Grief is a truly horrendous thing to deal with.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

PorridgeEater · 02/10/2024 22:55

Seems like you've tried hard enough - now you can let her go.

ToWhitToWhoo · 02/10/2024 23:00

I am so sorry about your tragic loss.

Your 'friend' is unbelievably selfish. Let her go. Not a friend; perhaps not even capable of being a friend. At least your other friends seem supportive.

bluecampbell · 02/10/2024 23:21

Sending huge hugs to you Flowers

This woman sounds like the type of person you don't want anywhere near you. How spiteful and uncaring.

I lost my husband nearly two years ago and spent months hibernating and not replying to texts, emails etc. My true friends understood this wasn't a slight on them and when I emerged they were right there waiting for me.

If I were you I'd block her. You don't need that sort of unpleasantness in your life.

Dibbydoos · 02/10/2024 23:25

As a widow whose hubby died suddenly too, I know what I went through - it took me 12m to feel like I was living again - so sending you a big hug.

Onto this woman...Some people pretend to be your friend when they are only in it for themselves.

She sounds horrible, I mean well done for trying, but seriously your DH died and she expects you to respond to her. Well F her!

CardiffD · 02/10/2024 23:57

So sorry for the dreadfully sad time you’ve been through. Glad you have good friends who care for you. She doesn’t. She’s a narcissistic bully making it all about her. Please don’t attempt any more reconciliations. She’s enjoying your sincere efforts to mend the friendship. You’ve done nothing wrong. Fuck her.

TheArtOfTreeHugging · 03/10/2024 08:55

So I guess I have no choice but to drop it.

Yep. Because when someone behaves like this towards you at the time of such a life-changing tragedy, you don't chase after them, begging for their forgiveness. You let them be on their merry way and be thankful such a self absorbed c*nt like this has shown their true colours. Don't waste any more head space or emotions on this awful person, she doesn't deserve it.

She thinks far too highly of herself. People like that always focus on themselves only. My mother is like this. I lost a baby, she made it all a out her - SHE had lost a grandchild, SHE was bereaved. My DSIS got cancer - SHE was suffering because it's HER daughter with cancer. My dad and his sister fell out - SHE was the one suffering having to listen to dad being hurt and upset and getting on her nerves. You get the drift.

Some people like to make other people's troubles all about them, even feeling jealous over it. Narcissism.

tiddletiddleboomboom · 03/10/2024 09:00

Yep. Because when someone behaves like this towards you at the time of such a life-changing tragedy, you don't chase after them, begging for their forgiveness. You let them be on their merry way and be thankful such a self absorbed cnt like this has shown their true colours. Don't waste any more head space or emotions on this awful person, she doesn't deserve it*

So well said. Grieve the loss of the friendship but dont spend time ruminating on this. She has shown you her true colours and it aint good. Dont even waste energy on wondering about it- this is on her not you. Your life will be better without her in it if this is how she treats her "friends".

worriedaboutthefuturenow · 03/10/2024 09:26

GRex · 01/10/2024 03:44

I don't think this is a person you should have in your life, be delighted not to have to communicate again with such a self-absorbed and thoughtless person.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

this. you are better off without this 'friend'

Findinganewme · 04/10/2024 09:41

Wow. Walk away from such a toxic person, and focus on getting yourself into a place of peace.

So sorry for your loss, I wish you all the best.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/10/2024 19:08

Gosh what a narcissist she is.

Emmz1510 · 04/10/2024 19:14

Some people can’t help but make everything about them. She’s a horrid friend. Self centered, selfish, self obsessed. Be glad to get rid. If anything you should have dropped her. I’m so sorry for your loss.

strawberry2017 · 04/10/2024 19:25

If a friend can't give you a break when you are going through the worst time in your life then they are not a friend.
You don't want them.

willstarttomorrow · 04/10/2024 19:29

Op, I am very sorry for your loss- you must be all over the place at the moment and this is not a friend.

My DH died very suddenly, it is enough years ago for us to have worked around it and found a new way of making life work. What I remember very well is our feelings in the aftermath, physically, emotionally and pracically. Your biggest has gone and it is just a massive vacuum of hopelessness. There is no bloody escape because there is nothing you can do to change it, you are living a life you do not want with no reprieve.

You really do find out who your friends are, and people suprise you (often for the good). This person is toxic and please do not waste any time thinking about her. Focus on you and the good people in your life. Also please give yourself all the time you need to grieve and find a way forward. People who have not been through it measure things very differently.

Nazzywish · 04/10/2024 19:34

What on earth does she add to your life that you need her back. She's shown how horribly unsympathetic she is in your time of need so why would you want a person who views you with so little regard back in your life. Cut those ties and run.

PinkArt · 04/10/2024 20:11

She's incredibly lucky you haven't got the angry stage of grief yet as I think she could be missing a few clumps of hair otherwise. What an absolute cunt she is.
Please try not to give her another thought. A 'friend' who not only can't support you at a time like this but who makes it about herself is no kind of friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

AMRP · 04/10/2024 20:23

I am so sorry for your loss ❤️ what an awful friend. She has done you a favour for showing her true colours!

MadCatWoman7 · 04/10/2024 20:44

You sound like a lovely person and I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You deserve so much more than grotty friends. I wish you well in the future and look after yourself and follow what you want in life and surround yourself by people who care about you.

Bonbon249 · 04/10/2024 20:50

I don't think she's a big loss. Not responding in a timely manner to texts? Who does she think she is? Your boss? So sorry for your loss. Anyone who can't show some compassion is not worth your time.

TrustyRusty68 · 04/10/2024 20:58

Wow! How to make it all about her. I’d bow out now and stop trying to be honest. If she can’t understand what a tough time you’ve been having, she’s just not worth it. Really sorry for your loss x

Dpresst · 04/10/2024 21:38

Your ‘friend’ is vile. Absolutely vile. I’m sorry for your loss. Please don’t pander to this woman anymore, she is absolute human garbage.

Navyontop · 04/10/2024 22:24

sarabanks · 01/10/2024 03:40

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

I am so very sorry for your loss, so very sorry.
Grief is so hard and you deserve understanding, patience and love.
This person is not only not your friend but also a piece of 💩, try not to think about her or contact her again. This isn’t you, it’s her problem.
xx

Packetofcrispsplease · 05/10/2024 09:48

What a horrible woman , self absorbed .
You don’t need her in your life

kittiecat16 · 05/10/2024 10:19

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think she’s done you a favour by taking herself away. She is no friend to you. A decent friend would understand if you didn’t reply to messages during that time. Mindlessly scrolling your phone, sharing random reels is a whole different ball game to having to fully engage with people when you’re grieving. Don’t give her a second thought, she sounds like an awful person

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