Friend seemingly dropped me for not responding to her text - after my partner had died.

[sarabanks]

My partner died a few months ago. I have been abroad for that reason (since he was a US citizen). Largely back and forth, rather than living there full-time. I am both a UK/US citizen. I hadn't responded to some friend's messages throughout this time and luckily, they all understood given what had happened.

One friend wasn't so understanding though - and when I messaged a group chat we were in, she immediately 'left the group'. I didn't think anything of it - as I know group chats can be annoying and throughout my grief, I had to mute all the push notifications, certainly when dealing with the estate - which is still ongoing and no easy feat.

As above, I didn't think too much of it - but I did ask her privately if everything was ok. No response.

I noticed she did it again though 3 weeks later - by leaving a group chat on Instagram too (as well as WhatsApp prior). I asked her privately if everything was ok (again). No response. I asked our mutual friends too - because I knew from them that all was well/life was good for her. One of the mutuals checked with her privately.

She said to the mutual friend that she expected more from her friendships and if someone doesn't reply to her message in a timely manner (meaning me), she drops them. I explained that I was abroad, deep in my grief, dealing with endless admin and that I didn't want to be a burden to anyone - as lots of people were asking about my partner's death.

Her argument was that if I could send her cute videos on Instagram of animals, I couldn't have been that deep in my grief - so therefore I should/could have responded to her text. To be clear, the text message she was referring to was on a UK number and I was solely on my US number the past few months.

I messaged her, apologised, offered to take her out to dinner now that I was back (albeit temporarily) - and to talk things through as well as also apologise in person. She never replied.

AIBU to think this is just too much from her? My partner died very suddenly (in an accident) so I didn't know it was coming. My whole life was upended. Everyone else has been great, but I feel cut up that she's seemingly hurt. She told the mutual friend that she doesn't care and has no bad feelings towards me - but yes, seems like I'll never hear from her again! So I guess I have no choice but to drop it...

For what it’s worth - as you don’t know me - i don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. Quite the opposite I think. She should be asking herself that question. Sorry you’ve had such a tough time. You sound like a lovely person. Best wishes for the future

Dump the cow and move on. You have enough in your plate without this selfish, energy sapping bitch in your life. I hope you manage to sort all the legalities out and get to grieve properly with the people who mean something to you ❤️❤️❤️

Sorry for your loss This person is not a real friend and you'll be better off without her Don't give her another thought xx

If a "friend" did/said that to me, id be telling them to go take a flying fuck to themselves.

How utterly main character of them to think you should be chasing them like that when you are grieving! I bet if you look back she's had signs of being a bellend but probably not fully directed at you. Cut her off and don't give her a second thought

She’s a horrible person. I’m so sorry, OP.

What an atrocious way to behave! I do hope that we will soon see a corresponding thread called, 'My friend's husband died suddenly but because she didn't respond instantly to my texts, I blanked her. AIBU?'

Whatever will we say to her, I wonder?

Good riddance to an absolutely crap friend. Sorry for your loss OP.

Someone who gets upset at stuff like this is not someone (long term) you need around you

Sorry to hear of your loss. She sounds jealous of the attention you’ve received which is awful. Please realise it’s her shit and it’s not you. Also, don’t be surprised that once she realises that you’re not going to give her anymore attention she may decide to get in touch once again. If she does do this please don’t be soft and let her back in to your life. Let her play her silly mind games on others. Look after yourself.

That is not a friend. Be thankful she is no longer part of your life. Condolences on the death of your Partner

I'm so sorry for your loss - your partner.

This so called friend is an utterly shit human being and you are well rid.

She sounds extremely self-absorbed and not worth your time. My best friend's husband recently died suddenly. Her other friends and I have made it quite clear to her that right now we expect NOTHING from her- this is her time to lean on us. If she wants to call us at a funny time, not call us at all, ask us to come over, cancel on us at the last minute, there are no rules except to do whatever she needs to do to preserve her sanity whilst she tries to recover. Things are starting to settle now almost 2 months on but she still knows that our only priority is to support her.

Your "friend" is just despicable.

If she came crawling back, I don't think I'd be able to forgive.

Sounds like the trash took itself out

I am so sorry for your loss, it must have been profoundly shocking and something that will always be with you. As for your "friend", she should be taking you out for dinner and offering you a grovelling apology. A good friend, a true friend would have taken all their cues from you, they would have expected nothing in return but have always been willing to care for you in any way that you wanted. She has shown you who she truly is and now you can be free of her

Sorry for your loss. She doesn’t sound like a friend but a drama queen. I wouldn’t bother with her again.

You mustn't give this unpleasant minded person another thought!

I am so sorry what you have gone through, and are going through.

Nope. I realise I'm simply adding to the chorus here, but really, you'll look back in a few months' time when the grief isn't still as fresh and realise how batshit she is truly being, and how you absolutely did not need to be offering to take her out for a meal or anything of the sort. How shocking of her. Extremely emotionally immature behaviour. I think she's done you a favour withdrawing from your life.

Fuck them, you don't need people like that in your life. She's just done a great job at showing who she really is.

I had a "friend" kick off as I forgot to wish her happy birthday...the day after my sister died suddenly. Needless to say I never want to even breathe the same air as her any more let alone call her a friend. I suggest you do the same.

I lost a close friend in sudden and traumatic circumstances a few years ago. I had to handle a lot of things logistically (as OP has had to). It drains you and re-traumatises you like you wouldn't believe. I expect the very last thing OP had the capacity to do was to write ANOTHER admin-style message to send out to people she hadn't replied to yet.

Regardless, as someone else pointed out, in a time of crisis, it is up to friends to adapt around you, not the other way around.

ETA: this was meant to quote the poster who was querying why OP didn't send a message to all her friends saying "thanks for your messages I'll be in touch soon."

Simply, be glad she's gone.

I also had a similar "friend": I had agreed to babysit her child (my goddaughter) but, because my mum died, it had slipped my mind. When she reminded me I told her I'd totally forgotten about it, but it was still fine. She threw a massive tantrum about how could I forget about her daughter etc etc. She had form for such self-absorbed nonsense though.

So sorry for your loss @sarabanks. What an awful woman she sounds.

Sorry but her behaviour is very typical. My husband died suddenly and there was almost a cloud of dust with everyone running away. You would swear that death is contagious the way people act.
Thankfully I found support in one friend and through WAY (widowed and young). From talking with them it’s very common. But they ‘get it’.
If your ‘friend’ can’t understand that she was not your priority at a time like this, then they’re not your friend. Good luckxx

Gosh. She has some serious issues. As others have said don't try to placate her, she obviously narcissistic and very insensitive. So sorry for your loss.

What a prize Tw*t

You are better off not having these type of people in your life