Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

Presumably OP knows her MIL better than you do, so if OP thinks it is guilt/manipulation, then it likely is. It is irritating to hear people gaslighting someone who is asking for help.

I spent YEARS trying to explain to my wasband that his parents were manipulative and not really interested in spending time with their grandchildren as they claimed. Not until I left him and he visited without me and with the kids, and his parents acted abominably did he believe me. And of course by then, it was 20 years too late to make a difference.

It is true that part of grieving is learning to live in a different way. Making your adult children into a crutch and not doing the work to learn a new way of life is not the way. OP's MIL is likely battening on them as a way to distract herself from her grief. I am sure she is devastated, as anyone would be. She needs actual help to cope in her transition. Playing host all the time and letting MIL be a leech on their family/partner time is not helping her to go forward in that transition.

Yes, before you ask, I have been widowed also.

Why can't the daughter who is close by help her mum?

If she calls and wants to pop in just tell her you planned on a casual family evening at home. Be dressed in pajamas.

I don't understand why your husband can't go round to his mother's house for company instead of her coming to your home. I wouldn't allow it in my home during it the week. Once a week at most - work is priority and rest.

In her home. This is the next stage of moving forward. Is this being done?

Sorry, I may seem harsh but your husband can definitely take this stress out of your home so frequently and into her home.

Maybe you could limit her limits to twice but tell DH he should go to her son any other nights she wants company… that way she’s at least getting used to being at her own house in the evenings and his visits could get shorter then less frequent.
don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want to come home and be able to chill… hosting is exhausting

Your MIL is taking the piss, if she that upset sort her out a Councillor, you have your lives and she is lonely she need to get some hobbies that don't involve you, suggest she joins a club or goes out, your DH us not her life but she acting like it, suggest you find something for her to do she needs a hobby not you 3 to 4 days a week if not she will destroy your marriage, explain to her she having a negative effect on your marriage, if she doesn't listen she doesn't love you husband and don't deserve him.

From someone widowed last year, it’s very early to be dropping support. I was determined not to be that needy parent, but it’s still nice to at least get messages/phone calls and the kids popping in if they’re passing.

Losing a spouse is absolutely devastating. It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever been through.😗

@XRogue

It is irritating to hear people gaslighting someone who is asking for help.
Yes it's is irritating. A woman who has lost her DH of decades is crying but this is apparently not sadness. It's manipulation. I'd call denying her feelings and relabelling them as gaslighting.

I'm.on your side OP. I think a lot of people posting here are either saints or haven't been there! I have. I wouldn't for example ever relax in pj's in front of my in-laws, we just don't have that type of relationship. Visit once a week maybe or get dh to call over more or do the bits she can't manage , admin after bereavement can be very tough. Be kind, but there is no harm putting up a few boundaries either.

Yes to all 🌺

Not only it isn’t helping MIL but the op said she just couldn’t anymore so…people urging her to keep at it because she will one day be in MIL’s place are just unkind.

It is manipulation if she uses it to get her own way.

No twice a week is a lot. That’s very generous for working parents. Grief counseling helps tons and she can be in a group of other women in her same situation.

I agree with some PP that DH needs to go to hers instead of her coming OP’s. DH needs to talk to his sister about taking a turn with MIL. Yes, she’s grieving, but OP and DH can’t be her main source of support. If she’s made herself the kind of guest that OP can’t relax around, then it’s her fault that OP can’t maintain this level of visiting. DH also needs to put a stop to any negative comments about OP or OP’s housekeeping.

While she is grieving and finding her new normal, she needs to find a support group or grief therapist. At this level of intrusive contact, she is at risk of alienating the OP and causing issues in OP’s marriage because her DH isn’t enforcing boundaries with his mother.

OP, it might also benefit you and DH to start couples’ counseling. These are difficult discussions to have and an impartial mediator might help you negotiate boundaries you both can live with. They might also help with wording to communicate those boundaries to MIL.

@Zoomattheinn - you wrote "The kindness and support you give MIL now will pay dividends in the future."

There is actually no correlation between the way that the OP would treat her MiL now and how the MiL might treat the OP in the future.

If the MiL was pleasant to the OP before she lost her husband, perhaps the above statement might be true and hold up but again, if the MiL wasn't particularly nice to the OP beforehand, there is no guarantee that she would have turned over a new leaf and become a nice person.

I meant it would pay dividends in terms of the independence the MIL would have long term if practical help and support was given early at this difficult time. Better sleep at night generally = more resilience for example. I know just getting my dad organised with nutritious meals he could make for one made a big difference to his ability to cope long term alone. Having said that, however, I find kindness usually pays dividends for everyone.

4 months isn't long at all & her grief will still be very raw. Don't stop her visiting just don't 'host'. Let her join in with your usual home routine. If it means sitting watching TV with a glass of wine in PJs then let her know she's free to do the same. It's probably just company she'll be wanting & just being around you all will help with her loneliness.

This ^^ from my personal experience. My sister, also a widow, said to me when she left after the funeral "well its sink or swim time now" And she was right.

It's all very well people telling OP to let her MIL come round as much as she wants but "stop hosting", just go ahead and put her PJ's on etc. Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their in laws.

My MIL isn't widowed yet (although sadly this will probably happen soon) but I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to put my PJ's on, relax and watch TV with her here. Grieving or not, she would expect to be waited on hand and foot, and would consider it rude and unwelcoming if we were to try to get on with any jobs or follow our usual routine while she was there. She would definitely judge if I was in PJ's or if the house wasnt spotless. I once didn't put make up on before she came round and have never heard the end of it. Some people are just hard work, and it doesn't mean you don't love them or help them. But it's hard to sustain that for months on end when you're also juggling work with young children.

Those saying it's too soon, how long is OP supposed to submit to daily visits and constant demands that she and her DH cancel her own plans at the last minute? A year? Two years? At what point does this stop being about MIL after her loss and start to become MIL's new normal?
OP isn't suggesting withdrawing all support, just reducing visits to a couple of times a week which is still a lot. If her DH's sister also agreed to visit twice a week too then MIL would only have one day on her own a week, and they could call or facetime on that day.

OP, can you talk to your DH's sister? You could explain that you are worried about MIL and want to help but cannot sustain the daily support she needs and ask SIL if she could invite her Mum round or visit her a couple of days a week so it's shared more equally.