Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

I agree with others saying to let her into your usual routine; just letting her be with you all in a normal family routine is probably really helping her. Would you feel differently if were your mother? Imagine yourself in her shoes - you’d want to be welcome at your son’s home for as long you needed, wouldn’t you? Unless she’s a MIL from hell, be extra kind with her at the moment. I bet she’ll really appreciate it a few months down the line

This.

Oh dear, I didn't realise this would get so many responses!

I seem to have caused some confusion and probably made myself sound even more heartless- oops. For context - MIL also has two daughters (one is 200 miles away so can't support with physical company) and the other is even closer than myself and DH. This daughter isn't expected to support so much as she has a baby- the same age as my DS (?!)🙃

I understand the responses to just 'stop hosting,' and it's lovely advice. However I don't want to disrespect/talk down but unfortunately MIL is not the kind of person who would appreciate me not 'hosting.' There were a few comments made to DH about me 'letting things slide' postpartum.

Overall though, it's given me much to think about and I hope I can continue to give her the support she needs in a more balanced way. Thanks everyone x

OP, I really feel for you. Bereavement doesn’t make people nicer.

Your DH and MIL are clearly using you as labour.

Please put your foot down.

Take a step back.

So you've come back after hundreds of posts sympathising with your MIL and suddenly she's an awful person!

It was apparent in the Op that the MIL does manipulate the situation:

If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH.

@angeldelite a grieving woman crying is hardly surprising is it?

So that is your boundary OP. Let her bitch about your PJs or your lack of "hosting". If you overhear it, just say kindly "I know we're not in our Sunday best but this is how we are on a Wednesday night and we love having you here with us".

It is if she’s fine other wise and only starts crying when she doesn’t get her own way.

And telling Op when she was post partum that her hosting has slipped is horrible.

@angeldelite or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off?

I know from grieving my nan that it changes you fundamentally as a person. I can only imagine how that feels when it's your life partner.

"@angeldelite or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off"

Why on earth should the OP have to give it this much headspace?

"Why on earth should OP have to care about her MIL's feelings after a huge bereavement" is essentially what you've just said. She's family. You care for family.

No that is not what I bloody well said.

I wouldn't expect a child of mine to analyse every reaction let alone an in-law.

FFS.

Surely as an adult you'll be aware of how grief affects people though and that maybe, MIL is sad and scared and feeling a million emotions?

And yet she’s fine when she’s with others.

It’s only when she needs hosting by her DIL (and not her daughter) that she feels a million emotions that throw her off it seems.

Perhaps MIL could be aware of that also, being an adult, and be aware of her own emotions and that her son might be grieving as much as her, and may also have other things going on in his life now.

Bloody hell, if ever I am this position of the MIL I would be supporting my DC and grieving with them not expecting their attention and focus and analysis of my every emotion and remark, particularly not of my DIL and not when there is another actual daughter nearby.

Yes, quite.

It seems MN is always against the MIL, even though it is absolutely normal for her to be grieving and to be needing her family. Sad.

Sadly I'm not the only widow in my circle. And no-one I know had acted like OP 's MIL.

My husband died in the July, and I was back at work by September. My kids were a wonderful support to me through his illness, but the last thing I wanted was for them to be having to babysit me, or for me to be reliant on them. They were grieving too, and I was trying to support them.

I don't think I or any of my friends would identify with the picture that so many posts have painted of OP 's mum's state. Yes the finally hits after a few months, but still. We get on with it and don't burden others. We look to get to the other side of it.

Losing a spouse is awful. Just awful. But it's not healthy for either the remaining parent or their offspring, to continue as those in this OP are doing.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 29/09/2024 15:32
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I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're not being hard-hearted. In fact, I think you've been very kind and accommodating. Can her other family members see her more often? It must be very draining for you as a family

This ^. Very happy marriage for 35 years. We’re devoted to each other and hope to have many more happy years when we are both retired soon. I will be bereft and lost should he go before me. It would be the same for him.

Hell would freeze over, though, before we burdened our children, who would also be dealing with their own grief. Your MIL appears to have overlooked or ignored that.

You have been more than supportive but it is time now to put in those boundaries, for you and your children, before the habit and expectation becomes ingrained.

No, you are not a terrible daughter in law. Time to hand the reigns firmly to your husband, now. If he wishes to continue the regular visits himself, support him in that for as long as he feels he needs too, but time to reclaim your family home.

Fantastic posts @saraclara and @MrsSkylerWhite 👏You are immense.

People always say they would never ‘behave like this ‘when they are bereaved, disabled or less confident through illness or age. Sadly when this happens people change and although formerly we would never want to be a burden, our own feelings and anxieties take over in many cases. It’s very hard for everyone.

@itwasnevermine or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off?

Again and again and again?

I didn’t interpret it as hosting had slipped, more that OP general performance had slipped since she had the baby. Which is impressively rude and obnoxious, it demonstrates MIL was rude and demanding pre-bereavement.

Very sorry for your losses, so many too.