Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

I can see both perspectives. You want and deserve quality time within your own little family unit. For your MIL the loss is incredibly raw and she is leaning gratefully into the support you're offering and probably really appreciates that she can just pop in and is relieved to have this at such a raw time.

When you say the stress falls to you, does that mean that she pops round more when you're in but DH is out?
Do more of the hosting duties fall to you than to DH?
If so, then I think it's reasonable to talk to DH about this and about shifting the burden further towards him.

As you haven't mentioned it, I'm assuming it's not his DF who has died? If it was then of course that changes things again as he will also need a lot of support right now.

I would definitely have a word with DH about cutting down the hobbies to do more of the supporting of his DM if you're ending up hosting her while he's busy with other things.

I absolutely agree with handing over the reins more to DH, but gently, your thinking now on how you would handle your own grief at the loss of your partner, is a world away from how you would be if/when it actually happens.

This.

And several posters have pointed out that four months into her bereavement the tears are more likely down to how she’s feeling rather than manipulation. Four months is very early into the grieving process and if you’re feeling lonely being told no you can’t visit can seem very harsh.

immediately after I lost my husband I had quite a few "come and stay" invitations. To me that would have been hell. I was much better mostly on my own.

Honestly even if it was my mother (and personally my mother and I have been in this situation) I would be acutely aware my DH likes my mother but he doesn't like her enough to host her 4 days a week indefinitely.

If I saw my DM that much we would start to hate each other too.

And even grieving my DM was conscious like other posters have been of the fact I was grieving, working and so on.

In the early days we talked about her moving near me. It never happened and now we are both pleased it didn't as it forced my DM out to social groups and she is now very busy with her friends.

Evenings and night time are the hardest time for a newly bereaved person. The lack of company is a hollow ache that fills those hours.
It sounds like during the day she can cope, but not the evenings.

It IS early days ( my parents had shared their lives for 50 years before my dad passed). It sounds like other family are filling g her daytime and you've become the evening support.

Time to change up the routine. Perhaps DH calls in and she cooks dinner for him once a week, perhaps you take her to yoga with you, or book club or the pictures...

I know that this initially seems more work than the 3/4 visits a week. However, encouraging her to cook again, pick up a hobby or interest or weekly evening meeting will 'get her back out there' - in the world with other people. Doing things. Filling her life with other people and interests so she gradually becomes less dependent on you both for company. Fo it gently and with good grace. One day your children may need to do the same for you.

Maybe do exactly what you want. Get in your pyjamas and watch telly in bed with your ds. she’ll soon get the message!

And in so doing remind her that she’s very much alone. Very sensitive.

Thank the lord lm not Asian. If my husband moved his mother in then l would move out. He feels very much the same about my mother. Very different lifestyles and life stages

It’s still early days and she is bereft. Be gentle with her for now.
However, in time, encourage her to take small steps to independence. Joining clubs with likeminded people etc.

It’s seven years since my dad died and I’ve had to put boundaries in place with my mum because she essentially wanted far more than I could give. She’s in good health physically but relied very heavily on my dad for company and expected me to fill that gap, which is impossible as I work full time and have a young family, as do my siblings. I ran rings around myself trying to make her happy when, in truth, it’s her husband she wants and nothing I do will ever be enough. The constant neediness, years after dad died, was draining the life out of me.

Get the message that 4 times a week is too much and she’s interrupting - yes. My own mother wouldn’t dream of being a burden. Grief is horrible and hard, but she’s being far too much. If she wants to be around family that’s fair enough, but people, particularly those with kids cannot bend over backwards indefinitely. If she wants to be at their home, she’ll need to slot in, not be entertained by her daughter in law.

I'm finding some of these posts really patronising, if I'm honest. I'm glad that people didn't treat me as if I was a pathetic delicate little flower, when I lost my husband.

I appreciated the kindness and the empathy that I got from friends and family, and the invitations to visit, but I'm glad they treated me like they always had, as me, not as someone they had to pat on the head.

I will never understand how people take those spiteful comments on board and try harder. My response would be to make a point of not hosting because fuck her and her digs. Why the eff are you trying harder and why is dh even passing on these comments instead of telling her to mind her own business and looking for ways to support you if things are indeed "sliding". Oh, wait, is it because he is a mummies boy and benefits from you working harder to please her? Yes, that might be it.

I'm not digging at you OP, but fucking hell, how are you not just crying in a puddle with the expectations they are placing on your shoulders? It's not on..

When I lost my husband (of 50 years) in Feb 2021 we were still in a semi lockdown. I have three daughters and for around 4-5 months they cakked me regularly in the evenings. One called me every day for two years. One of my granddaughters also called me on a regular basis. It's hard. I was quite an I dependent person and still carried on, but evenings are harder. I used to have to leave the lights on if I went out at night for at least a year. I couldn't stand coming home to a dark and empty house. Don't Host her even if she wants you to. It might put her off. It's not fair on you to be always the one she goes to she can go to her daughter sometimes too.

Well, MIL didn't show much care to the OP when she commented how OP had let things slide when she was still postpartum.

OP is happy to host her twice a week but she expects to come round every day. She also has 2 daughters, one of which lives even closer to MIL than OP and her DH but she doesn't expect this daughter to provide this level of support as she has a baby which is the same age as OP's baby.

Agreed. It’s sad and unfair even when the mil has done nothing wrong.

I think you’re right!

Edited to say: Oops I just saw that the OP did in fact come back🫣 soz OP!

Right, and that’s why she wants hosting and meals from her daughter in law 4 x a week rather that her son and daughters.

Right, like telling her post partum daugter in law that her hosting isn’t good enough.

💯

Just stop hosting anyway though? Your DH shouldn't be entertaining comments like that and you should let it wash over you.
It's unreasonable not to offer company and support to a close relative who's grieving, but absolutely reasonable to live your life and relax in your own home even if she has opinions on that.

It sounds like you could do with boundaries: "the daughter isn't expected to do this" "MIL wouldn't appreciate me doing that" - offering support doesn't mean pandering to every whim and you and DH have agency too

Hi op,

I am so sorry! It is really distressing the loss of a loved one and especially with no prior time to adjust to what is coming. There is just no peace in this 🥲

Now. About your situation, your solution is very simple : back off. Of all of it. Let your DH go whenever he wants and do implement some routine for your kid. If you can’t, you can’t. Let your DH go alone. If you can, great.
Don’t answer any kind of demands from her. Say once that she can ask what DH wants. If he wants to take your child with him to see his mom and that is fine, then let him. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.

It is huge this change and really, you can’t meddle with it. You can’t fix it. You can’t help as it transpires it doesn’t. You have to wait it out. Take a deep breath and from now on. Pass the torch to your DH. « I am sorry, but I can’t anymore, it is too much for me. I will go twice a week. You go when you want/need to. I understand. »

Good luck 🌺

Ok,

so you did back off and I just read that but somehow you are « forced » to whatever she says??
You defo have a dh issue there as he should not let anything like that happen.

Again, I would say don’t do. Let your hubby host and just do as if she wasn’t supposed to be there. « We were going ou MIL, but we will see you when we are back. » Come back after or even before she arrives.
she will get the message and you know what she will probably not want to put all that work on your dh so she will complain but then again if it isn’t planned…she can’t really say something.
Let your dh do everything. From top to bittom and tell her he did. Tell her he prep the food, the clean up, that he was tired at the end of the day…she will stop. She won’t like you much but she will stop.

Good luck 🌺

So sorry for you loss. It is an exhausting and stressful time and the grief will be all consuming for MIL.
In the longer term, practical help - extra blankets or a hot water bottle in bed if she wakes up cold at night, help finding lovely recipes for one, help with odd jobs, changing lightbulbs, mot-ing the car - whatever jobs FIL did - could be invaluable, help her resilience and help her navigate life as a widow. It’s also a great way of showing you care.
I wouldn’t put too much store by the postpartum remarks. This is a time to reset some expectations and the relationship. She may feel like letting things slide herself. Get DH to speak to his DSis and work out a plan of how to support. Can 200 miles away DSis have MIL to stay for a week or two at a time every few months. If not, why not? Can DSis with baby make more time for her mum? (MIL may need your DH more just now because she may miss male company) but it’s good if she doesn’t become too reliant on one child.
I agree four months is very early, especially at this time of year. I do realise it’s a huge imposition on your little family and I do feel sorry for you but if you can change your mindset and look at the practical things you can do to support MIL at this time, especially things which will help build her independence going forward, you’ll get through this. At some point - long in the future - DS’s wife might feel about you as you do about MIL. The kindness and support you give MIL now will pay dividends in the future.