Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

I also think it's a bit soon to withdraw some of the support you've been giving your MIL, but perhaps now is the time for her to fit in with your family, so if you're in pjs after work, you're in pjs. Your husband/you get to do your hobbies, and you go to planned events. Don't set times to go and see her/have her come to you, as it sets a precedent.

I think that whilst it's all very recent for her, you are also needing your home back and needing to be able to relax. Can't dh go there more often and they can sit in her house together? He can cook her dinner or do jobs to help her there and it allows you to have the space you need in your own home. It's emotionally draining for you as a dil to have to keep hosting but also having to revisiting the topic endlessly in what should be your sanctuary after a busy day.

It's probably more emotionally draining for the woman who has suddenly lost her life partner. You only get one family so helping them shouldn't be a massive burden.

It’s often around three to six months when the reality of the bereavement really hits and by then a lot of the support and sympathy has dried up.

I think you need to try and keep up the support level a bit longer and then phase it down more slowly.

Yes it must be very difficult for her and I'm suggesting still helping but her son could go to hers more often and help there, cook her meals, do jobs to help out and it also starts to give the op some space. I think that is reasonable.

I wonder if those people saying maybe it’s time to move on a bit have not actually lost a parent/significant yet? Those of us who unfortunately have are more in the ‘it’s too soon’ camp?

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon but then OP would be angry about her husband spending time out of the house no doubt. OP needs to just relax a bit

This. Talk to her. Explain that you have many other commitments, and need to spend some time elsewhere. Discuss other things she might do to fill hers.

I agree that you need to stop treating her visits like an event. She just wants company and I’m sure she’d be delighted if she could just sit at the kitchen table or sit on the couch as life happened around her.

Oh and a little bit of advice. One way to damage your relationship with your husband and his mother and possibly even extended family is to set boundaries at this early stage. You will end up being painted as the villain and you will struggle to make your way back from that. You are going to have to either make yourself scarce to find some solitude or suck it up for the time being.

I disagree with pp, you have provided 4 months of near constant support, you’ve done your bit.

If DH wants to visit her he can go but you should stop going unless you want to, OP.

Hands on heart, if you lost your dad, would your DH accompany you to your mum’s house 4 times a week? I doubt it.

People expect too much of women. Please prioritise yourself and your child now and tell DH you’re not going more than once a week or even less .

You're certainly not heartless to want a bit more space - but being too rigid about it is probably not fair at this point. For most families this would be a lot.

No, she doesn’t need to suck it up.

Not every woman exists to be in servitude to her MIL.

I’m with OP entirely. and I really haven’t seen the attitudes on here in real life. Quite a few of my friends have lost in laws and they have checked on them and visited weekly or perhaps twice a week. Working full time with kids you need down time and the bereaved person needs to get used to their new life and routine.
my dad passed away a few months ago and I visit my mum twice a week, she sees friends once a week too so she has some days where she doesn’t see anyone. She is coping fine.

When you are sitting i front of the TV on your own in the evening - the reality and loneliness kicks in. During the day, she is busy and can talk to people - the evening and bed time brings it all home.

4 months is no time at all, the first few weeks until the funeral are a blur, then there is the will and legal sides. As tht dies down the relaity sets in.

I get you want some space - maybe your DP suggests an evening activity she could take up - group to join. She will be getting to that stage soon but seriously 4 months is nothing.

4 months is an incredibly short time limit to thrust upon someone recently widowed. And yes, cruel in my opinion too. But I am not you, we collectively have no idea how you and your DH are coping in this and we can only tell you our one sided opinion. You have to make the call for you, we can’t do that.

She is the mother of her husband. Grandmother of her children. Her life collapsed because she lost her own husband. Its her family now and she does need to suck it up in my eyes. You can think different. If your husband dies i hope your kids give you more than 4 months to mourn before they start putting boundaries in place because you are around too much…

I do not think you are being unreasonable here OP. When my father died I did, as you are doing, step up more to help my mum.I shoved all my stuff to the side and bent over backwards often meeting myself coming back to be there for her. All of that is what I would have naturally expected to do and didnt mind at al. Except its not just me who was run off their feet, I neglected my dh, my kids, my life and its all too much after a while.It is an impossible situation for you but I guess my advice is your DH needs to do the majority of the load here, its his mum and you need to be sorting you and your family out. There does come a time and as cold hearted as this sounds , when you MIL has to face reality and adjust. This is after all a natural progression in lifes order. It is how it should be, parents die first its to be expected, of course no one is ever ready for that day but in the grand scheme of life it is what it is. I think you need to step back and let DH step up more. You sound like a good DIL to me and you should not feel guilty in anyway. If your MIL is a sensible woman she will recognise this too.

You're not the worst DiL OP. I'm sure you'll get responses from people demonstrating they are much 'worse' than you by telling you she's not your responsibility, tell her no, she's an adult and so on. You are trying your best and are questioning your feelings which makes you a good person. As for what is 'right' here, I think its about balance. Its only 4 months in, so in order to do right by a very recently bereaved woman, I think some inconvenience is inevitable, but it needs to be at a level that's not too disruptive to your life so it impacts your wellbeing, and needs to be a temporary dependency rather than the new normal for your relationship going forward. So I'd suggest you try to take back some control over when the visits happen. Maybe next time she's there say, "what day shall we see you this week MiL? If I know when you're coming I can plan around it". If your DH objects then I'd be suggesting he visited her more as an alternative.

YABslightlyU. When all the dust settles and reality kicks in is probably when it hits the hardest. 4 months is nothing and as everyone has said its his dad he's also grieving. Its different for everyone at different life stages. You don't need to accompany DH everytime - let him deal with his mum but don't guilt him when he does so.

"It is what it is", what a horrid thing to say

It’s too soon OP to expect her to be ok . If you haven’t lost someone close to you yet though you can’t be expected to really understand .

I phoned DF daily after DM died . Visits not that regular as 5 hours away ! He only survived 18 months - I was still phoning him daily though he had started to become a bit more independent and trying to get out and about on his own socialising about 3 months before .

You don’t have to put on a show and entertain her - she probably just doesn’t want to be alone - if you have your PJs on that’s fine

No its not. Its factual and realistic. Death comes to all of us and if we are lucky we outlive our parents. I am sure most of us would accept that our parents would naturally die before us in our lifetime.

@itsjustbiology that doesn't make it any less painful or upsetting for those that have lost someone.