Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

I just think differently. Who is OP (or anyone else) to say how much support she needs and for how long. She might have other family and friends but it is natural she prefers to be around son and his family in this situation.
yes, agree, if DH is not stepping up and it falls on OP’s shoulders then DH is a problem snd not MIL.
OP, just let her be around, go about your life, let her be around, as someone else said here - do not make a big event of her coming over, stay in pj’s if you usually would at that time or whatever. If you cant drop everything and go to see her, ask her to come over to yours, take her with you if going to a child practice or whatever you have to drop at the time. Show some sympathy. She will get used to the new norm. What we give comes back and i dont wish anyone to be in MIL situation.

No, I didn’t add in the the part about the bereavement, the whole thread is about a bereavement!

OP has never told her husband he can’t support her mother. She doesn’t want to go there 4 x a week.

And as you keep avoiding answering the question about if you’d leave him if he doesn’t want to visit your mum 4 x a week, 4 months after a bereavement, it sounds like you expect less from your DH than you expect from
Op. And why is that? Because she’s a woman.

@angeldelite I don’t know how many more times I can say YES I WOULD!!

Who is OP (or anyone else) to say how much support she needs and for how long.

Of course OP can say how much support she wants to give.

OP is a living breathing person, she’s not a robot.

The sexism on this thread is insane.

She can say how much she wants to give but not how much mil needs. Its not always all about us.
all i am saying is if her husband needs to step up, then its not mil problem. But wanting to put boundaries after 4 months bc its too much it sound rough and will bite her back

OP, would you say that MIL is moving in the right direction, or is she getting stuck?

I think frequent visits to grieve together and support are OK. Expecting you and DP to fill the gap in her life, whilst she makes no changes- a bit worrying.

What does she say?

Nearly everyone has said to stop “hosting” in a way that puts effort in. Some of us have even suggested trying to ask MiL to help a little to ease pressures and help her feel part of a family and valued.

try flipping the genders and see if it would be acceptable for a husband to stop his wife’s mum visiting in similar circumstances

If your husband died would you revert to your usual normal self after four months? I didn’t think so. If you can’t find compassion for your MIL, absent yourself (go upstairs, run a bath, chill out in bedroom, go out for run) but don’t try take away her source of support - her son. I say this as someone who MIL needs support and we have a really busy life to juggle (I get it - it’s hard) but this isn’t the time.

Stop treating her visits like an event and more like normal life. If you are in PJs then so be it. She probably finds evenings hard as everyone is doing their things so can only go to family. Just act as you normally would. Play with DS. MIL can read her book or watch tv etc. or go to her house as then you can leave

Personally l would put my pyjamas on, have an early night if required, go to extra curricular etc. Everyone can’t put their life on hold forever every day and she needs to work around you, as from what has been written you gave lots going on. I also wouldn’t be shouldering the hosting, that’s your husbands role as her son

It’s only been 4 months!
it’s way too soon to pull up the drawbridge. Sure it’s hard on you all. Times are hard when there’s a death in the family. You need to suck it up for a LOT longer though, sorry. ☹️

Ya, I'm sorry. I lost my dad 2 years ago and my mom still griefs so much. 4 months in is nothing! You need to be more patient, it's cruel to say she is guilt tripping ... you obviously don't understand the level of her grief and are minimising her feelings.

Would you be the same if it was your Mum? And not MIL? My Mum is widowed (has been for years now) and she visits a lot, though I am happy for her to visit while I am in PJ's, I also don't care if MIL pops in when I'm in PJs. I guess it just depends on how close the family are in the first place.

Four months is such a short time, I expect your MIL cries still most of the time anyway, not just when you don't want her round your house.

Another one where the OP doesn’t bother coming back

Shes still trying to figure out how to live now.

maybe say hey, you’re more than welcome but bring your pjs we’re going to have a glass of wine and watch a movie.

My in-laws show up unannounced and uninvited and they stopped doing it as much when I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to fuss over then and if asked a personal question (about my finances usually) I’d just shut it down politely.

Because she didn't get the response she wanted, no doubt she was expecting everyone to say her MIL is evil for daring to need support

YANBU I would find this much of visiting so intrusive. It is your home and your life as well, if your MiL needs this level of support then your husband needs to go to her in her home. You two need to decide a reasonable amount for her to come to yours but you shouldn’t be forced to shoulder all this.

I can understand how difficult it is for you, but her world has just been turned upside down, so she's not acting rationally or reasonably.

Agree with what PPs say. She can pop round to yours whenever she wants, but you're not "hosting", she is just one of the family, and can just sit and chill with you for as long as she needs to.

If she needs to be visited at home, get into the habit of letting DH go, leaving you and DS at home, that way DS's routine isn't changed too much.

It will pass, eventually. She will get into a new routine and will come to terms with her loss, but 4 months is still new and raw.

I've never had 4 months support after any bereavement; I'm in my 60s and none of my widowed friends have either. Maybe calls from friends or a couple of lunches, but I don't know anyone who would expect (or be accommodated) to see their adult children this much. I think @NewName24 has the right idea.

I'm widowed. My mum was widowed. My MIL was widowed.

It's grim, but no-one of us were even remotely as needy as the OP 's MIL.
Of course it's awful, but you can't take over other people's lives. Many don't even live anywhere near their children, so they simply can't rely on their company all the time. They just cope as best they can and learn to adjust and fill the gap in their lives independently

OP and get husband aren't MILs only family. It sounds like she has much more support than I, my MIL or my mum had.
If her son still wants to keep up the four times a week, then he visits her alone for at least half of the time. And OP does not have to 'host' MIL when she comes round. Her home life goes on as normal, and MIL just has to fit in.

I'd hate to have been such a burden and commitment for my children back then.

YANBU op, she needs to get used to life on her own and can't expect you to be at her beck and call forever.

I think YANBU to want to put some boundaries in place on what form your support takes.

Yes she’s widowed which is absolutely devastating but it is very draining being the support to this. You are human after all, not a machine.

It's been 4 months!

That is no time at all after a long marriage

I'd be supportive when I'm there but would not give up my usual plans to see MIL personally.

Can't your husband visit her in her home?