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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst daughter in law?!

218 replies

Anonymous75 · 29/09/2024 14:58

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 29/09/2024 15:02

I think it’s too soon to start drawing lines in the sand. But, if you want to get into PJs after work, perhaps with a glass of wine in hand, and stick on the TV for DS, then you should just do that and she can fit in with you if she comes round. Less formality and hosting is needed here (don’t even worry about the washing up etc, she might even do it for you).

Saltedcaramellavacake · 29/09/2024 15:13

4 months since losing her husband is too soon to reduce support. Wear your pjs, reset expectations on the style of hosting but it is unreasonable to limit. And it is unlikely to be guilt tripping - she’s grieving and it is probably very hard to get through the evening alone. Maybe DH reduces his hobbies a bit?

LauritaEvita · 29/09/2024 15:15

Agree with previous poster. Try and get back into your normal routine with her there. I had a friend around practically every night for months after she’d gone through a big break up. In the end, I had to say, I’m watching Corrie now so won’t be talking for the next hour/ I’m having a bath now so see you later on, I’m getting into bed to read etc. was happy for her to stay in the house but wasn’t necessarily in the same room as her the whole time as I had my own little routines. It was less hosting and more just her becoming part of the furniture. Also, it’s your DH’s mum so he can keep her company while you get on with whatever you’d normally do.
if she’s expecting more than that then she might switch to ‘popping in’ on one of her other relatives.

GertieN · 29/09/2024 15:24

I think you are being a bit heartless,
sorry. If MIL’s late partner was your dh dad, he is also bereaved - he lost his dad. So his stress would also include his own grief as well as the burden of trying to be “all things” to his mum.

I agree with the previous posters. It’s very early days, when my mum and dad died I was still at the “waking in the night crying” stage of grief, it felt unbearable. have you ever experienced grief like that? It is hard to be around, I get that, but in the spring you can encourage MiL to reduce the visits, take up hobbies again etc.

I do remember my mum saying how incredibly lonely and distraught she felt when my dad died and the house was so quiet and her existence seemed so meaningless for a long time. I appreciated my DH’s forbearance whilst I got her and myself back to some semblance of normality .

Sometimes in a marriage it’s a great thing to just be there for your partner and their extended needs, unless you really cannot bear it any more…

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 29/09/2024 15:32

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're not being hard-hearted. In fact, I think you've been very kind and accommodating. Can her other family members see her more often? It must be very draining for you as a family.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/09/2024 15:44

Is your DH an only child?

You refer to lots of other family to support her. Does she see these people in the day but still wants to visit you every evening? Would you prefer your DH to visit her in her own home while you and your DS stay at home?

Pippa12 · 29/09/2024 15:48

I think it’s too soon. The raw grief and realisation that this is permanent will only just be rearing it head.

Personally, Id get my Pjs on and try and carry on your evening routine involving your MIL.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed of her being an absolute devil women, I’d offer the support for aslong as she needed it.

zeitweilig · 29/09/2024 15:51

There's nothing wrong with starting to set boundaries and encouraging her to develop her own hobbies and things which bring her some joy - ask yourself though, if it were your mum would you be taking the same approach?

EatSleepSleepRepeat · 29/09/2024 15:53

I don't know why it needs both of you? If dh is happy woth 4 times a week why can't he go alone?

FloofPaws · 29/09/2024 15:53

I'd be inclined to go 1-2 times a week, if your DH wants to go more then just let him, she'd perhaps enjoy some time alone with her son?

BarbaraHoward · 29/09/2024 15:56

YANBU to be personally finding it a bit much. You're a working parent and downtime is hard to come by.

But 3 or 4 months is so early. So so early, it may as well be a few weeks. 3 months was by far the hardest stage for me after a bereavement - as someone said, everything settles and you realise it's forever. Adrenaline gone.

Agree with everyone else. Stop hosting, put the PJs on.

Goldbar · 29/09/2024 15:57

I am not a daily drinker, but I'd start having a glass of wine when I got back after work if the alternative was to be expected to visit on a whim with the kids.

I would lay out how often you are willing to visit every week, make it clear your door is open if she wants to come to you and just be around people and leave your DH to crack on with any other visits.

Daschund · 29/09/2024 15:58

Send him there. I bet he soon cuts down.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 29/09/2024 16:01

So are you hosting your MIL to your house or going to visit? If you are in your own home then I would just carry on your family routine as much as possible. I am guessing she doesn't want to be alone right now and find comfort being with you all.

AnnaMagnani · 29/09/2024 16:05

I don't think it is too soon. You, DS and your DH can't be a substitute for FIL.
It sounds as if none of you saw her this much while FIL was still alive so she is creating a relationship she didn't have with you before and that isn't really something you want.

Whenever you start pulling back, she will not be happy, whether it is now, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years...

ttcat37 · 29/09/2024 16:13

Don’t be available, don’t answer the phone every time. If she must come over then don’t change your plans for her or treat her like a special guest. If that means you kicking back with a cuppa in your pyjamas then so be it!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/09/2024 16:30

Its a difficult balance. I totally get people saying it is still early days for her, But it has to be sustainable for you too and at the moment it sounds that its continuance and frequency is too much. Its quite reasonable as a working mum to want to spend a bit of downtime with your DS without visitors.
You term it hosting...and others have said stop feeling you have to "host" on every visit, just go back to normal routines occasionally, so that its not an expectation or as pp said an expectation of a relationship that didn't exist when FIL was around.

You mentioned that she has other family. I would reach out to them and let them know that she really needs support and contact from the wider family at the moment, and ask what can they contribute?
Maybe encourage MIL to organise a lunch (with a bit of help from you) for a few of them at MIL's house or some of her friends- give her something to look forward to and to be busy with and remind her that you are not the only port of call... but would also allow you to take a little step back. I actually think it would be helpful not to have MIL get too used to being overly dependent on just you and not engaging as much with other family. (We have an unofficial rota which has worked well)

It is a difficult line to tread and would need careful management to avoid hurt feelings. But you sound like the kind of person who could manage this gently and with kindness, whilst acknowledging your own needs.

Portalsalways · 29/09/2024 16:34

Who are the ‘other family’?

During bereavement it’s common to feel like you want to be around certain people. Not just anyone.

I think there’s a typo in your Op though. You said ‘around 4 months’ I think you just have meant ‘Only 4 months’. Surely you realise 4 months is nothing.

Bestyearever2024 · 29/09/2024 16:35

I'd reach out to other family and friends and ask them to help her as well as you

Dearg · 29/09/2024 16:41

I agree that it is absolutely fine to put some boundaries in place.
My MIL was similar when she was bereaved -every evening, minutes after we
got in from work, doorbell rang. She had eaten, I was hangry, but she made it so hard to just continue our evenings, and we had no dc to distract her. I got it, she was lonely and needed to talk to someone, but she also had to get used to things

i started working later, an avoidance tactic, which i appreciate does not suit you. DH was left to deal, and so he did.

So go with your normal routine. Just say Hi, Mil, sorry, can’t stop, got to get on with my chores/ dinner/ bath time. Suggest DH visits her, alone during the week, with DC at weekends.

Eurovision · 29/09/2024 16:41

The crying might feel like guilt tripping but is more likely be grief. Grief is selfish and sad. Your MIL is sad and that can be hard to accept but it is part of the grieving process.

GalaticalFarce · 29/09/2024 16:41

4 months isn't long but you don't have to be in servitude.
If you have plans, don't drop them but let her know in advance.
Allow her to stop in but don't treat her like a guest. Just carry on as you usually would.

Meadowfinch · 29/09/2024 16:44

Can you take a long weekend, or half term week, and go to visit your mum with DS?

Perhaps your DH will change his tune when he has to host your mil all by himself.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 29/09/2024 16:47

Like a pp suggested ,can't your dh go to see her?

NewName24 · 29/09/2024 17:08

I don't think you are being hard hearted either. You (both) have been doing a huge amount.

When you work, and have a small child, life is busy.

Dh also needs to process his grief.

Obviously, things are still very raw for your MiL, but I think you (well, your dh) needs to have a chat with some of the rest of the family (or good friends) and say "look, I know Mum struggles in the evenings but I can't get there until Friday this week, is there any chance you could pop in for a cuppa / give her a ring / invite her for tea / whatever he thinks they might be able to do ?"