Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

Of course it is still early days for your MIL, but I don't think there is any harm in beginning to scale things back towards a more sustainable level for you.

Cut back the hosting visits slowly at first. I'd go down to twice a week at first, with a view to going down to just once a week after a few more weeks, which might be more workable??

It's very hard for her, but she does need to start getting used to being on her own more. She can't avoid it really, harsh though that is. It's her new normal I'm afraid.

Does your DH have any siblings? Does MIL herself have any other close family or friends? So is there a reason why nobody else can step up and this is all on you?

Your claim that her crying is simply to guilt shame him says a lot about you unfortunately.
Her husband of presumably many decades DIED 4 months ago and you see her crying as nothing more than a manipulative tactic.

You aren't very nice.

If she's your MIL, you shouldn't need to host. When my DH family comes over, it's just chilled. Will make a cup of tea but we'll still all chill in front of the TV. So put your PJs on and have a glass of wine. If your DH wants anything different, he's welcome to do it!

I agree with some pp, don't host as such, if she comes round and you're in your PJ's on the sofa, thats fine, she just wants some company I think, she probably wouldn't notice, let alone mind.

Could your DH visit a couple of times a week alone, just to dilute it a little?

I know it seems a lot, but my FIL was widowed unexpectedly and he was absolutely broken, for quite a while, so I can't imagine us just ignoring his calls/messages.

Losing a spouse must be one of the worst bereavements you can possibly go through, I’d absolutely have an open door policy for a parent (or sibling or friend) for as long as they needed it. Those nights alone must be so bloody tough, I’d hate for someone I love to be sat alone and sad.

That being said she can absolutely fit in around your routine, eat what your eating etc. and if you need to chill in your bedroom alone then DH can sit with her. I think you’d be very cruel to tell her she needs to back off tbh.

I too am going against the grain. Yes its difficult all round, but your MIL has to start to learn to stand on her own feet again and forge a life for herself.

Have you said how old she is, what her health is etc.

It’s been 4 months OP. It’s raw and it’s unreasonable. Grief is unfortunately.

Have you ever been through a significant bereavement yourself?

It was less hosting and more just her becoming part of the furniture. DMs best friend lost her fiancé, and for a long while afterwards, friend used to come round and sit quietly in the corner. Sometimes being part of the furniture gives the comfort needed.

I think you need to encourage independence and suggest some local clubs, interest groups that she might like to try because there are times when you won't be around. Women are pretty resilient at keeping their social life going but it means you need to take small steps back.

OP says "MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working." - it sounds as if she is trying to forge a life for herself. 4 months is no time. Friend of mine is 2 years on from the death of her husband, and, although she's filling her days with activities, she is still getting a lot of support from her DC and their partners.

After my first husband left me, I was devastated and my lovely friend next door would ring me as soon as I got home from work to tell me to come round. She didn't "host" as such. Sometimes in the beginning I didn't nothing other than snivel into my hankie and watch TV, then go home, with not much conversation taking place. It was the physical company of another human that I appreciated, not being waited on.

So welcome her round, but crack on with your normal routine.

4 months is nothing! It's still very raw. Apparently 4-6 months is the worst time for grief; and it's around then that everyone stops checking in on you. It's the time when your subconscious starts to realise this is a permanent change and you'll never see that person again.
Of course your MIL is able to keep herself occupied during the day shops are open, appointments happen, even seeing people walk up and down the street from your window - even though they have no idea you're there it's all company.
At night it's dark, and miserable on TV it's all death or romance depending which is the current storyline on the various soaps; and you're left with your own thoughts.

But by all means back of tell her you're door isn't always open but make damn sure you do it for your parents when one of them dies!

Beautifully put. I hope you and your mum are now doing better

This is eye opening to read - I lost my husband , it's now 3 years and I am still (quietly, on my own grieving ). but it now makes sense why so many people just don't contact you after the first couple of weeks as you are given a short time to grieve, 4 months and you are thinking of drawing hard lines. I cant even remember the first 6 months after my husband died. I was in a fog. They only start bereavement counselling after 6 months give you a chance to "settle". This is just too soon, 4 months, although long for you as I understand its impacting your life, is nothing for you MIL or DH. You r MIL will not always be in such deep grief or need you so much.

I agree here, whilst it’s expected that you remain sympathetic to her situation and grief you also need to look after yourself … suggest a coffee at the park after work then excuse yourself to get chores done accommodate her at home but on your terms grief is a funny thing and she may never recover that said you can only do your best

Sorry to say but she is very early on in the grief process and it usually is worse in year two. You do sound quite cold, but I get it’s had an impact on your life you weren’t expecting.

i can see why you argue, from your husbands perspective. It’s his mum, she is in pain and it’s only natural to want to support and protect her. Maybe she feels more comfortable at your house. Is he supposed to tell his crying mother she is not welcome.

As others have said, just go about your life as normal as possible and let her fit in with your routines. If you don’t want to do PJ’s, just get some lounge wear instead and put that on. This won’t be forever, and you can slowly build in boundaries, but it is a bit soon for that.

Good luck, and what you put in now, will come back to you in the future!

When I was bereaved, my mate down the road used to ask me down for wine. I would just join in with whatever was happening in the house at the time and it was lovely. Maybe you doing jammies and wine yourself would be more helpful to her than a more formal kind of hosting? I think its your DH's Mum though and he should be sorting out his own schedule a bit more to give her what she needs?

Your DH needs to speak to his wider family / friends and get some sort of rota in place. This won't happen organically so he will have to organise it.
Unless something shifts, it sounds like you will be the default 'carers'
Also his 'hobbies' will have to be put on a back burner until the above is sorted out

Can you drop the pressure on yourself re hosting? If you generally have a good relationship and MIL just needs company, it may mean the world to her just to be able to sit in your house even if you're just watching TV, playing with DS or getting on with your own thing, and surely you don't need to join every visit to hers. Has she found any form of widows group or bereavement counselling to help her get back on her feet gradually long term? Does DH have siblings or aunts/uncles he could work out a rota with while she needs daily support?

Why do you have to 'host" your mil? If she lives close enough to pop in so many times a week why aren't you able to just pop your pjs on and potter about? What is it that she is actually wanting? Just to be around you guys or to not be alone? I wouldn't change plans and I would be firm on that but otherwise I wouldn't begrudge her company. My mil is my other mum though and can come over as often as she wants. I don't stop doing my chores or routine with the kids and mine just pitches in.

I'm also going to go against the grain and say that after 4 months it is reasonable for you to want to start reducing the support you are offering.

Obviously there is a massive hole in her life. She feels sad and lonely at times. She's not used to being alone of an evening. Her instinct is to fill that gap with other people so that she can avoid being on her own but actually that isn't entirely helpful. Part of the grieving process is learning to live differently. It does take time but I think 4 months is a reasonable time for you to start changing the type of support you can give.

I lost my Dad just after Christmas, totally unexpectedly, so about 9 months ago. My mum is on her own, she spent 50 years with my Dad. My brother and I have adapted, unfortunately I live 4 hours drive away so I ring twice a day every day and visit for about a week every 6-8 weeks. My brother lives 5 mins away and popped in every day until about a month ago but still goes in about 4 times a week for a cuppa. We have arranged with someone she knows very well and loves to do cleaning once a week and this has been a godsend. Someone else we know pops in once a week for a cuppa and chat. That’s all my mum sees every week. I could not imagine making her see or hear from us less even now but 4 months in is still extremely raw.
Do other siblings visit? Can there be a kind of rota set up so she sees someone nearly every day? Some at her house, some at a sibling, some at yours? We found structure really helped as my Mum would know when to get ready to see people etc.
A bereavement is the toughest thing, I am still nowhere near where I was 9 months ago, I miss my Dad every single day, I’m sure your MIL feels the same.

Does she get lonely in the evening? It must be very strange if they had been married for a very long time .
I agree with others , maybe be a bit more relaxed when she comes around . Just get on with your normal evening plans .
Make her a cuppa and let her just ve around you all for company.

Or if you need time alone or with ds then go to another part if the house . And let your dh keep her company.

Four months is no time at all when you've spent your entire life with someone.

My aunt recently lost her husband after 60 years of marriage. She's at our house everyday and to be honest I expect that'll continue until she is no longer physically able.

Just stop "hosting" and start living with her just slotting in? She is lonely and bereaved.

It is honestly the worst feeling abject grief. When I lost my mum unexpectedly and in a v traumatic way I stopped eating- didn't notice, but DH just kept trying to shove food at me. Stooped cooking, didn't notice but DH picked up the pieces I lost a stone in two weeks. I couldn't' sleep or function and developed a sleeping tablet dependence. It was hell. I would start crying without noticing. It was trauma. In giant neon letters.

The aftermath, it took me about 6 months to start to function again like normal but I was needy and low and leant on friends and family.

So stop "hosting" and start living with her, go about your life.