Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

I can see both sides of the arguments presented here.
It is an awful time for your MIL - she is still deep in grief. Her life as she knew it with her husband is gone.
And so the new ‘normal’ created after is death is something she is clinging onto.
You are not being cruel to feel the way you do as well, you have been a brilliant support.
One thing I have learned, after losing both parents, is that you can’t be a decent support yourself if you are overtired and start to feel resentful. This is how family fall-outs can happen, and you don’t want that at all.
I agree with the PP who think you all visiting MIL 4 x a week is getting too much for you, you need a bit of a family routine back.
Your MIL also in time will need a new routine because this one is unsustainable. In time it would be best if DH visited her for a couple of those times, solo.
Also have her come to you once a week, totally informally.
I actually think over time getting the bereaved loved one out of their own home is a help - they can become a bit isolating, and full of memories.
Look at something you can all do as a family.
Look at things she can do as a person - involve her friends and other family members.
If it means actually having a chat with her about how you can best support her from now, whilst respecting her grief, not wanting to hurry her, but also wanting her to have a routine and a bit of a life for herself, sell it to her that she would be really helping you out.
And maybe, when you have time, think of something you can do just the two of you. She feels rudderless right now, but as a family you can still provide her with ample support.
You will actually be helping in the long run. You will feel more at ease and she hopefully with feel less like a burden.
It is an awful time but it really does pass OP.

So many posters have had a go at the OP as if she has said that her MIL should be over her husband's death by now. OP has not said anything of the kind. There are some really horrible replies.

It is absolutely okay, OP, to say that you cannot sustain this level of support. You sound impossibly stretched and you have to look after your own well being and your DC. It will be a long road for your MIL. It helps no one if you crumble, so yes, you have to protect yourself. It's very sad that your MIL is suffering so much. Will she go to CRUSE or seek counselling?

I think 4 weekly visits to MIL’s house is too much - I’d expect DH to do two of those on his own and, yes, scale back his hobbies. I’d be fine with MIL coming a couple of evenings, but wouldn’t be hosting as such - she can join in and I’d be wearing loungewear, probably not PJs. If your MIL is one to comment on housework not done etc then DH would be reminded that you’re not putting up with that. No one - bereaved or not - should be criticising someone else’s home.

People vary in how they cope after the death of a spouse - but neither my gran nor my great aunt expected as much of their sons/daughters. My aunt phoned my gran every evening and took her shopping on Saturdays and had her all day on Sundays. I visited every Wednesday evening - and the rest of the time she had something on each day and probably saw friends a couple of early evenings a week eg 7-8 ish.

I don't think it's reasonable to cut down support, it's only been 4 months. But it's entirely reasonable to cut down what you, as DIL, do and contribute because I can see it would run you ragged to do this much. I would say:

DH goes to his mum's house more - you can have a more of a relaxed night in with DC. Say he does this once a week which would seem reasonable.
Cut down on what you do in terms of the work when hosting. DH can cook dinner whilst she is there, perhaps the kids (depending on age) can put a ready meal in the oven etc. Then afterwards "MIL could you load the dishwasher whilst I clear up the kitchen" would seem reasonable.
Don't feel you have to entertain her - watch what you'd normally watch, put your PJs on. Stop pandering to her, if this is going to go on for a while you need to ensure you get comfortable in your own home.
Don't talk of withdrawing support - but what other interests can she have in the area? Is there a lunch club? Some hobby club she may like?

Probably if DH has to do more work he'll reduce what's done - and it's his buy in that you need.

I was kind of on your side til you said she started crying to guilt trip DH. She's probably crying because she's recently widowed.....

You don't have to host-she's family. Just get on with your life and let her fit round you. She can do the bath sometimes, for example.

With respect OP I have the feeling that this is the first bereavement you have been close to. Four months is very raw, the whole first year of bereavement is hard, and things only slowly start to get better after that. Your DH will also be going through this process, but obviously isn’t expressing it as strongly as his mother.

Try to be a little bit kinder, you, your family and DH are the things that she is clinging onto until she is brave enough to face what her life is going to be in the future. You might try looking around locally to see if there are supportive bereavement groups, but don’t just point her in their direction though, offer to go with her so she doesn’t have to take those first steps on her own.

It's a long time for a daughter-in-law to be providing almost daily emotional and practical support in her MIL's home when she is working and has a family!! I'd have had a breakdown myself.

Her husband can do this if he has the capacity.

Four months is no time at all. Poor lady has just lost her husband and still very much needs the support of her son and dil. It’s too soon for you to talk about setting boundaries. Just be there for her, put yourself in her shoes, it’s probably still a shock and raw for her. Also she’s probably not guilt tripping you, she’s still in grief most likely and it’s understandable that she’s crying a lot now, I know I would be!

What a load of old codswallop. She’s four months in after losing her life partner - the grief will be raw and the full realisation of what losing him actually means will only just be starting. You don’t just lose your partner, you lose your whole way of life and it takes time to adjust. She needs support from family and friends to do that.

The problem is we don’t talk about death in this country. We don’t treat it as a part of life, and consequently the sight of someone grieving makes us uncomfortable - not least because if you’re in a partnership it brings home the unpalatable fact that sooner or later one or other of you will be in the same situation. OP, if you find this too much, please don’t stop your DH from keeping up the contact with his mum, until she’s ready. I have the feeling you haven’t been around this kind of loss very much if, after four months you think the tears are manipulative rather than the product of raw grief. “Pulling back’ from someone who needs your support this early into such a bereavement is unkind and unnecessary.

Honestly the "guilt trip" line is horrid.

I cried for a year after my nan's death. It was horrendous

I think this is very sensible. Welcoming her as part of the family, to ‘muck in’ instead of being treated as a guest will be reassuring and will also bring back a sense of the structure she lost to her life after her DH passed away. From experience I think four months is too early to be considering clubs or hobbies - all that did for me was to make me feel even lonelier. It takes time to adjust and to learn to live a very different life to the one you had for so long.

Similar to FIL after MIL died, Turned up at our house every evening for months. We had to say sorry we’re busy (running our own business so work didn’t stop in the evenings) make him a cup of tea and let him sit while we got on with what we had to do.

When I lost my husband 5 years ago I went back to work and got on with my life. Certainly didn’t constantly hang around my children. Son is 4 hours drive away so impossible there.

Perhaps another family member could come and stay for a few days or invite MIL to theirs. Breaking the cycle of her relying on you to support her all the time. Your DH also needs space to grieve for his father and he’s not getting that at present.

I had some grief counselling from CRUSE and found it really helpful. Could also be helpful for OP’s DH, as he will have his own grief to deal with. Link to their webpage is below:

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/what-is-grief-counselling/

I would personally hate to be anywhere I felt like I was being a nuisance, overstepping or being around too much. However much I was grieving I'd not want to intrude on someone's relaxing evening or stop their usual plans. Do people not have a radar for this and realise that while their sons or daughters might be grieving in their own way, they also have their own lives they need to get on with? I'd look to be mutually supportive with DC and not look to them just as a crutch for me. If I was struggling I'd get professional help rather than put it on an already busy family.

I don't agree with other people that it's too soon.

Grief is devastating yes, and you can't put a timeline on when someone should "feel better", but no-one should have to find their own life being made more stressful to accommodate someone else in the long-term - it's not healthy for anyone involved to do this.

Your MIL might benefit from finding some activities she can do in the evenings - Knit and Natter, supper clubs, choir or WI perhaps?

She needs to identify what the issue is and new ways of addressing it (some therapy might help her with this?)

I'd be really supportive in helping her with this but really honest about the impact its having "We do understand it's still very difficult for you, MIL, but we also need to get a balance too and we need some quiet evenings after busy days at work and school. It's going to be a difficult adjustment but we all need to find a new normal. How about you come across for dinner on Tuesday and an hour after school on Friday, does that work for you? Have you seen there's a local WI group on Wednesdays, or how about a monthly supper group, I know you really enjoy trying new restaurants? I know the house must seem quiet, it might really help to get out and try some new things so you can build a new routine."

Good luck OP, you're definitely not the worst DIL - you're just a human trying your best to meet your own needs without unduly hurting others 🩷

The problem is that you don’t think logically or even reasonably sometimes when you’re grieving. The ‘radar’ may not be picking up the signals, so to speak.

lost both parents and my husband. When I lost my husband I didn't want loads of company at all.

Four months is not long. I think it is a reasonable amount of time to ease into a new routine.

Your DH should make time to visit his DM at her house. He should arrange medium term quality time plans with his DM so she has things in the calendar. Going out for dinner, to the cinema a play or taking LO on an afternoon out?

Maybe your DH and MIL could take it in turns to host a dinner every other weekend. That way you won't be on high alert 24/7/365.

When my DM died, my DF would only accept help from one of my siblings. It was too much. My DF will accept no help from outside of the family and will not drive a social life for himself. It is a lot of pressure.

This is just part of life. Supporting family through tough life events is just part of being in a family. But get in your Pjs and do whatever you would be doing anyway. I'm sure she doesn't expect you to host her, she likely just wants to be surrounded by family.

Not in my case. Having lost both my PIL and both my parents in the last decade, as well as a BIL and a SIL, I am sadly well acquainted with grief. I stand by my comments.

My MIL is always at my BIL’s house, his wife just goes about her business, if she needs to go out she’ll go out etc. MIL would help with the children when they were little and put on washing etc and now she’s just like part of the furniture. My SIL doesn’t seem to mind her there. My lifestyle is different so MIL doesn’t come to me much.

Thank the Lord I am Asian. We take in a widowed mum, or a mum-in-law the moment they lost their spouse and they stay as long as they want. My husband is British but now even he sees what a normal family is. You welcome your bereaved relatives, even cousins and allow them to stay with you to recover. You shove the little ones into one bedroom, or into your bedroom, or into a living room, but you do not let a bereaved person close to you to go mental in an empty house where everything reminds them of the deceased. Your children will learn the real meaning of the word compassion - when you share the grief, and the bathroom, as opposed to 'supporting' by vising or organising a carer for them.

I read once that grief is raw for a month per year of the relationship, so 4mths is very early days, assuming a long and happy marriage!
Just go about your business, surely you don't need to be “hosting” MIL just wants company I expect.

This is very insightful.

I think it’s telling that MIL functions fine with other people when her son and OP are at work.

It’s time to start dialing back because otherwise MIL will take this as the new normal and also ask to move in.

Go easy on her. One day in the future it could be you in this situation. As others have said, don't stand on ceremony and 'host', just let her be there as part of the family. She might even start looking after you a bit. Give her time to adjust to this new life and it will pay dividends for you in the longrun.