Am I the worst daughter in law?!

[Anonymous75]

Hi,
Somebody please tell me if I'm a heartless DIL here!
Around 4 months ago MIL was really sadly widowed and we were/are obviously devastated.

Myself and DH have done our best to support her in every possible way (phone calls, visits with DS every day - sometimes twice, seeing to her every need and dropping countless plans when she's been especially upset etc)

I'm facing a problem now though, as I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Maybe im heartless but the constant visits (now 3/4 times a week) are really wearing me down. If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH. DH is torn because he doesn't want his mom to struggle but gets stressed himself that he's spreading himself too thin (work, DS, hobbies) and I get the brunt of the stress.

I feel terrible for her but is it really so cruel to not want to see my MIL all. The. Time. DH understands it's all a bit suffocating but nothing changes, if I suggest limiting visits to twice a week (I still think this is a lot?!) it ends in a disagreement so I just drop it.

After a long day at work I want to get into my pjs and spend some time with DS myself, instead of hosting.

For context- MIL has lots of other family support and manages to keep busy in the day whilst we're working.

I don't know if I'm being horrible or how to go about bringing this up?! But I can't go on living on edge waiting for the dreaded 'I'll just pop in' phone call!

Sorry for the vent 🙃

If you are close family I wood act she’s shes one f my household, be in my pjs, easy dinners, say help yourself t tea/coffee

Reducing visits to twice a week is perfectly reasonable! Especially, as you say, it’s been 4 months and she has other support.

Four months of 4 x visits a week to MIL’s house is more than enough. It’s time to start tailing it down, starting with going down to 1 x visit a week. DH, her actual son, can go more often if wants.

You are placing too much responsibility on women.

I'm sorry if you think I'm prying here but how did your FiL pass away? Was it age, or a long term illness or something quite unexpected and sudden?

If someone passes away after a long term illness or from old age, it's likely that their partner has prepared, somewhat, for their passing. They know it's coming and can mentally make themselves ready. It's more shocking when it's unexpected and sudden - it doesn't make it any easier though for those loved ones dealing with the grief.

Regardless of the above, your MiL is probably getting to grips with her home being a lot quieter than previously, that she doesn't have company to talk with at the end of the day and she is missing her partner in life. She turns to her kids (even though they have family of their own now) for that company and conversation.

I'd recommend trying to find a grief counsellor for her so that she can in time settle herself in to a new routine. I do think you should let her come over to spend time with you, with her son, with her grandchildren but I would return to your routine and she can start fitting in around that.

@angeldelite it's called being a kind and caring person. She is part of MIL's family now.

It's too soon to reduce support, it's only been a few months since her loss.

I think you just have to accept this year (at least!) to be a terrible, stressful and upside down kind of year tbh. A core member of your husband's family (which is your family) has passed. It's one of the sad and difficult periods of life. But won't be forever.

And I wouldn't see her crying as 'guilt tripping' I'm sure she's just genuinely upset.

Why does women being kind mean making endless meals and teas and coffees?

Do you think OP’s DH will be cooking and making teas for OP’s mum if her dad dies?

OP has done plenty for 4 months. It’s time to dial it back.

A couple of times a week is really the most she can expect. She needs to join some things and make friends. This is not being hard hearted it's common sense.

Me too. My Dm was devastated after my DF died - they’d been happily married for 48 years. But she certainly didn’t expect anything like such frequent attention. She lived 60 miles away and for some time I would go maybe once a week, and sometimes stay the night. She would come to us now and then, but it was easier for her the other way around.

@angeldelite those are choices OP has made. As everyone has told her, she should not start inviting her MIL to be with them while they relax. She might even find herself growing close to her MIL, which is allowed!

Why not ‘allow’ OP to do how much she wants?

She is the best judge of how much she can support, not MNers.

4 months is so soon to start boundarying/ dropping support. I think this is very unfair to be honest. When my mum died I visited my dad daily. Live your life, don't stand on ceremony as if you are hosting but let her come and join you and your family even if you are in PJs and watching tv.

Did your husband visit your dad with you 4 x a week after 4 months?

God lord I’d be tearing my hair out hosting by MIL twice a week let alone more.
I loved the PPs suggestion of leaving the washing up for her. I think it shows we have different MILs and different relationships. Mine would never consider doing anything other than hinting I’m a disgusting slob if she saw unwashed dishes!
we don’t know your MIL. We don’t know if the wailing down the phone is a performance or genuine grief or a mix.
good luck op! I don’t envy you this mess. X

@angeldelite you're looking at this as if it's a sexist issue. I will never, EVER marry someone who expects me to abandon my family. My dad is (sadly) approaching the end of his life and if someone told me that after four months I had to draw a boundary with my mum I'd leave them.

God, I think you are a SAINT. I would have left it to DH long before now. You must be exhausted. I think she is being very unreasonable.

I am single

So if your husband told you he doesn’t want to visit your mum 4 x a week you’d leave him?

@angeldelite after a bereavement? If my partner turned around and said "I'm drawing a boundary, she can't come here anymore" yes I bloody well would. You only get one set of parents.

So that’s entirely different then to OP’s situation.

Why won’t you answer the question. If your husband told you he doesn’t want to visit your mum 4 x a week you’d leave him?

Because that’s what OP is being guilt tripped into, 4 x visits a week, even after 4 months after the bereavement.

@angeldelite are you not reading my responses? You're taking it out of the context of the MIL being recently bereaved.

I’m reading your responses. You said you’d leave your husband. I’m asking if you’d really leave him if he doesn’t want to visit your mum 4 x a week, 4 months after a bereavement.

Don’t push your also grieving DH out of the house. This is a time he needs to lean on you while you both support his DM. No problems are mentioned in your marriage, so don’t put a wall between the two of you now.

Gently transition to her being present while you behave “normally” though. No big deal about it, she is there and part of your family.

Even think about gently asking her for some help when she is seeming ok. Not “you must do lots” but normal family activity: doing the drying while someone else washes up, light help for DS (depending on age: bedtime story, lift to a club, helping with a hobby) etc

@angeldelite you've now added the part about the bereavement and I am saying yes, if my partner told me I could no longer support my mother after my father's death, I would leave them.

You only get one set of parents. For the most part, they sacrifice everything to give you what you have had. They're some of the only people on this planet who will love you unconditionally. I could never turn my back on my parents.